Thanks for stopping by; I know you are in a tough place yourself, so I really appreciate it.
The issue is twofold:
1 - Things will really be tight if I am relying solely on my own money.
2 - It would set a precedent if we ever went to court. I would want spousal support, and I know H would fight that. So I do not want to prove to him or the court that I can get by on a minimal amount. This item is actually my bigger concern.
The only real way to resolve this is to get a LS, which I didn't want to do. But now I'm thinking it may be my best option if I want to protect myself. In any case, I'll be waiting another month and then I will see what happens. H may decide to file himself.
Thanks again.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I totally hear you; I was in the same situation. While I did work full time, my salary was not anything to brag about and without H's pay I could not survive where I was living. The legal sep. is definitely a way to get yourself away from the debt he is creating. It is such a relief to not be burdened with their spending problems. And at least a legal sep. is not a divorce. In my state it bought me another year before H could file for one anyway. Not that he seemed to want to...but I liked how it was not such an abrupt marital status change, if you will. It gave me time to adjust to "this", and prepare for "that"...should it happen.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Nicola ~ My h and I still have a joint account only difference is he deposits his paycheck yet doesn't use the debit card nor does he have a check book. The money he puts in is for me to pay our joint bills which include his truck payment. After a year you would think we would separate all this out. Hmmm ...the things we do.
Other than that I am not real sure on what to tell you to do. Maybe mention to him that you were over drawn and had to transfer money to get groceries and just say can I ask what you are using the money for?! It is still rightfully yours at least half of it.
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
thanks for the 'moment of sanity' post on my thread! It is so helpful when someone else with a less tilted perspective makes an observation on my own silly behaviors!
About your sitch, it does sound like it is time for you to start taking steps to protect yourself financially. I know that means Ls, but sometimes Ls can be the good guys!
I hope you at least take some steps to safeguard some, or all, of the cash in a single account. I too left my money in joint accounts, but H wasn't spending out of one of them at all and I felt safe. Now that your H has pulled his bonus shenanigans, it may be time to assume that things aren't safe for you anymore. JMO, of course.
Thanks again for the pick me up post on my thread!
Well if you're sure that he's lying to you about the finances, then I think it would be best to move forward with a financial separation. If it were $100 here or there then no big deal, but $5,000, twice, is not a small amount of money. The financial separation may just be the next natural step in your journey/struggle. Trust me, that process will bring many things to the surface, besides the money. It was definately an eye opening experience for W and I. Made us both rethink our decisions and direction.
Very stressfull process though so prepare yourself for battle. Be prepared to give and let go, but also to stand for what's right and fair. We still have separate bank accounts and I actually like it that way. I hear what your saying about the legal precedent. That's another reason why I think you should move forward with it.
Come at it from a place of peace and acceptance. Be gentle yet stand firm when you need to. Give some to get some. Realize that this is just another phase of the struggle. It does'nt mean the end of your M. This process could possibly open new doors for your M. Stay positive, peaceful, polite, strong, and brave.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Nic, My H and I NEVER had a joint account. Initially it was b/c I was paid monthly into the bank and H was paid weekly cash in hand. So my money paid the monthly bills and his paid the housekeeping etc. When things changed and we both got paid monthly into the back to set up a joint account would've meant changing all our diect debits etc. Too much of a nightmare. Although I never realised it at the time part of my deep down was protecting myself even then. I had heard many anectdotal reports where a H had gone into the bank, closed or frozen the joint account (on his say so only), gone home told his W he was leaving (or simply left a note) and she was without money of any description despite the fact that her wages were still going into the account. That may well be donw to good old British bureacracy I don't know but it sure as hell makes you think!
If you don't want to go down the legalroute yet is there a middle ground. Could you not have your salary paid into a separate account so that you at least know you have some money if you need it? Or maybe you could open a 'rainy day' account putting a little in each time you can afford to do so.
Whatever you do I agree with everyone else you do have to tackle this sitch with your H.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Nicola, How are you doing? Sorry it has been so long since I have posted to you.
I still have H's name on our joint account even though he has his own at a different bank. He does not use the joint account at all. He still has a debit card but that sits in his dresser. I am not ready to take his name off of it. Our bills are still in both names even though I pay them.
My H makes more money than I do and if he stopped paying the mortgage, I don't know what I would do. I could probably swing it off of child support and my raise but things would be real tight. That is why I am letting things go as they are. Sometimes it is better to not rock the boat. Just see what happens.
Jim Conway is the resident expert on MLC. He, with his late wife, wrote the books Men in Midlife Crisis and Women in Midlife Crisis. He has 30 years of research under his belt. His approach combines the physical tools and the spiritual tools, which makes for a more complete package, in my view.
Although I post and listen to other people here, it's mainly for encouragement. My 'plan of attack' concerning my wife's MLC comes straight from Jim. I fight very hard not to deviate from it. Many marriages have been restored where the MLCer has come back and said Jim was 'right on the money.'
Plus, I listen to people who are successful, who have seen positive results. These people have put forth the most effort and are serious about this quest. Some of my posts may have seemed raspy, but it's because it's necessary for people to remain serious and faithful to the process or they will get pulled off course and fail. I don't want to see another divorce.
Please consider logging on to Jim's chat room and getting on the email list. There is great support and encouragement there, plus practical advice on how to deal with your H.
Also, consider some of the marriage ministries, if you are so disposed. http://www.rejoiceministries.org and http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org are two that I believe in. Covenant Keepers actually has a local weekly meeting. It's helpful to be with real people in this crisis rather than just on line.
I'm at denkogetsu@msn.com. If you will email me, I can put you in touch with the person who administers the midlife email list. It's very helpful and encouraging.
This board, as good as it is, has its limitations.
Much Love,
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
I haven't been around much lately but I don't want you to feel neglected.
How are you doing these days and how is the detaching going?
I've put my H in an extended time out and try not to talk to or see him. I need some serious detachment from the man. Plus, he's going to CAA next week to be with her and the two of them organized a session so now they are all out with themselves as a couple--ewwww!
