Thanks everyone. I just feel somehow disloyal. I have gone back and read some of my old posts since I am on bedrest for the weekend and feel ashamed of sitting in judgement of H. No - he isn't perfect and neither am I. There is a part of me that thinks I need to just tune in to my life and stay out of my head. Instead of posting I need to be attentive to the good in my life, the good parts of H, the good parts of my kids and stop feeling entitled to have anything.
I am a lucky, lucky woman. I have wonderful children, an H who loves me in his way, a nice home, a good job (who sent me flowers BTW), parents who live close by and came to support and help us all (without a single discouraging word) and due to miracles of insurance, a rental car that H picked up for me to use complete with new car seat that he went and got yesterday too. How much better does it get for anyone in this world?
It is more than just counting blessings. It is recognizing something that is almost intangible - maybe I am getting back from the universe a little of what I've been dishing out. I have never had an accident like that. I am a good, careful driver generally. I don't speed often, I have had one or two small fender benders since I started driving, two tickets in my life. I wasn't talking on my cell, sipping coffee, eating breakfast or anything else when the accident happened. I was probably thinking about the meeting I was headed to, my grocery list, getting gas later, whatever. I was on time for my meeting, a little early, not speeding but to some extent I was probably in my head. Maybe this is the universe saying - slow down, notice the love in your life, quit living so much in your head....get a grip woman, you won't live forever so "chop wood, carry water."
Anyone who has never heard that reference (I'm betting that most of you have) - a student of the Bhudda wanted to know how to reach enlightenment and that was the perscription - "Chop wood, carry water". Upon further questioning, that was still the answer. See? Maybe the reason for my accident, the reason for my flailing in my marriage and the reason for some other things in my life are that I am not chopping wood and carrying water, I am doing that while I do 1,000 other things in my head and the result is that I am not safe with the ax and I spill some of the water.
