Don't Trade Our Love For Tea & Sympathy

[believing_isaiah43]

Okee dokee. Had lots more to say, but there's a new development that could push this off the fence. Dang, it's been some horror show every 3 months.

SO. My faithful followers (bless you! ::waving::) know that H lost his job b/c of the A, and that I turned him in. Horrible stuff. Big debris and disaster.

H was a mgr. over 3 other people he loved dearly. He's been in and out of touch with them over the last year, due to most people dropping him like a hot potato of leprosy. I have been disgusted at the way folks have run screaming away from him, as if it would rub off. Anyway, I digress.

He has been slooooooowly rebuilding some of these relationships. not all, but some. and it's been with much hesitation. he was SO hurt by their abandonment in the most dark times, that he's like a skittish animal with them (and me). His whole world fell apart, he's unemployed, we live in a small town, loss of dignity/integrity, etc. There is much more to this, layer-wise, but just go with me for now as I'm trying to be brief-ish.

He had gone to lunch with a female co-worker, AND HER FIANCE, all perfectly okay. And had been emailing her about her son's basketball schedule, and a bit of his struggle, she with hers. No, I'm not entirely comfortable with it; it's not inappropriate at all, the content, just that I feel (and thought he did too) that if it's much deeper than the weather, you need not be sharing that stuff outside of your M. It's what happened with his A, and he later realized he didn't have clear boundaries. I thought he would have better ones by now, since he's previously spoke of it, but perhaps not? AND the fact that he wasn't communicating with ME recently, this stuff, so it actually was deficient over here in the M, yet he's sharing with another female. ::ding, ding:::some red flags and bells.

So he was going to meet them for lunch again this week, and gets an email from her last night that says she was 'informed' that corresponding with him is not such a good idea. Frankly, it's a bit of a blessing from God for the reasons mentioned above, BUT b/c of his particular skittish/humiliated nature, he is CRUSHED. and Furious at the same time. As if he's a child molester, etc. Will never rise above it, things will never change. people will never see anything but what he DID, not who he was and is. you get the picture.

so the upshot tonight is, H says 'i don't think i can live here anymore' (this city) - which has been SO difficult for him. he sees someone from work every single day, passes the road to work every day. a burden emotionally, and has been, but each time he thinks he can rise above a little bit, something like this just wipes him out.

BI 'i want you to stay, but understand if you need to leave'

H 'we'd all have to go'

BI 'you don't want me to go. i'm part of your torture and you don't even look at me in the eyes anymore'

H (not looking me in the eyes) 'i don't want to break up this family'

BI 'i don't either, but what kind of M is this? we're not moving forward at all. the kids deserve a happy family, this isn't God's best for us'

H 'it's not about us. it's about the kids'

BI 'i know it is, but you may need to be away from me for a while'

H 'but i don't want to break up this family. it could be worse. i do care about you and respect you'

this is just paraphrasing, but the defeated tone he had, and let me just tell you. he was very much communicating that he would not be around me if he could, but is conflicted about the children. i am not projecting, b/c i was so shocked (yet verrrry calm), didn't expect him to be so de-fcuking-tached about us. I didn't argue with him about how he feels, it was just HARD to hear and see, when I thought we were in a different place than we apparently are.

Hello, Denial? Party of one, your table is now available.

I hugged him, and he kept his arms at his sides. Like a corpse. Nothing. NOTHING. Hands at his fcuking sides, people. WTF. uck.

I tried to go to him last night, when he came upstairs to tell me about the email, and was so distraught. he stiff armed me before I had a chance to get near him. "no. i don't want anything. i don't need anybody. i am done"

I cannot adequately convey what this was like. it sounds on paper kind of temporary, and just a phase, but i'm telling you i thought he was potentially somewhere other than where he IS. damn it. i am so unimportant in his Big Picture. DAMN IT.

Oh great God
Be small enough
To hear me now

There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a
Fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know you're gonna
Hold me if I start to cry

Oh great God
Be small enough to hear me now

There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know if everything will be alright

Oh great God
be close enough to feel me now

All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history

But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer:
Are you there?

And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping
Like in Solomon's sweet dreams
I don't need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know how many
Hairs are on my head

Oh great God (Are you small enough)
Be small enough
to hear me now

-Nichole Nordeman, Small Enough