What you're describing is a tough situation. I've sort of been there so I can understand it a little. To me it sounds like he's acting very immature wanting to be a single guy. If he's having so much fun and enjoying it so much why does he want to come home? That's a question I'd be asking....
For years my husband did the same thing and would return home with "conditions." I know you want to DB and have your family together, but is he really ready to come back? Is he ready to fully commit to working on the marriage and having a family?
Regardless of what your husband does you MUST detach and focus more on you. I know that's hard. You are probably used to doing for others, particularly if you've been focusing on an autistic child (I have one of those too! Kids with special needs add substantially to the difficulty of keeping a marriage together... hugely!!!!). But do try to do more for yourself and strive for balance. And just for your own sanity, try to work towards being more organized, get rid of clutter, start doing fun things with the kids, find some quality babysitting and go out with girlfriends, have H watch the kids so YOU can go out!!!! If you improve your life, and your family life, it will be your husband feeling left out and angry about all the fun you and the kids are having together.
By the way, if you haven't tried this yet, Low Dose Naltrexone has been really helpful for my son. You can google it to learn more.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
