Living One Day at a Time

[WCW]

is there a point where it will take a wake up call for someone to realize they're taking a R for granted and that expecting someone to stay in limbo is unacceptable?

Sheila, I struggle continuously with this. I want very much to get out of limbo, but I want to be out of limbo WITH H. While I continue to peck away at the monumental task of putting things in order to go on with my life without H if he really does follow thru and leave, I never let go of the feeling and hope that I do want H to be here. I never let go of the thought that I know we can make a happy successful future together if he gives us a chance and we do the work that never ends.

Having said all that, today I am in an extreme fluctuation with my emotions. I woke up in a rage over pictures I saw flashing across H's screensaver last weekend. Now why today? Why did it take me almost a week before this flood of rage consumed me? I am trying to remember and focus on what I consider recent positives, but I really want to scream and grab him by the collar....

I am trying to figure out what set me off today. I think it is too much time on my hands to dwell on bad thoughts, but that doesn't make sense because I've been pretty busy. So that leads me to the fact that H has not made any physical contact with me all week, he's been sick with a cold. This is following a week of almost daily contact initiated by him. So I am feeling very alone, very lonely, and that makes me concentrate on bad feelings. H has been doing so much around the place and a few nice things for me, that I am feeling guilty and almost lazy, like I am not doing enough. He even asked if I specifically did something, and I had forgot, and he had a look of disappointment flash across his face. Is that setting off my rage? am I feeling inadequate because H is doing more than me right now? am I shifting my anger at myself for forgetting to do a simple chore to something else so I can be upset at H for something?

Sheila, remember AKiwi? he told me more than once that when things got better I would sabatoge the good things. Maybe it's taken me this long to understand what he was seeing. If I feel that H is disappointed in me, I want to shift the blame back to him for something he has done to hurt me. Last night I clearly saw his disappointment in me, and today I woke up in a rage at something from a week ago.

I have to remember that H is home earlier, doing more, we're talking better, all good stuff but very miniscule in the big picture of what is really needed between us.

That brings me back to your question,

Is there a point in DBing when the best course of action is to say screw it.. I'm finished?

I can easily say screw it - TODAY - and I can easily do something to screw it up so bad today that it would be finished. But, for me, I know I am not finished, I am not done being hopeful, I am not going to say screw it. Thanks for letting me work thru this on your thread. I finally feel better today, and I think I will make it one more day, and I will get back to positive thinking.