So many problems...

[imwutend]

Hey, it sounds just like what I've said about 100 times.

(And I think I'm just about 10% of the way into how many times it is going to have to be said.)

The problem seems to be that all the blame just gets shifted back on me, even when the W admits that she's been no angel.

[imwutend]

Thanks, Goal.

I've screwed up on all of these and learned their value the hard way.

Problem is that some of them are hard to avoid. She lives in the same apartment building as me (a big one, but not so big that it's all that tough to drop in anytime, which she does), which makes me pretty available. I have to do a lot of work at home, so I can't really stay away very easily.

I'm trying to be happy. But her foul moods really bring me down. They also make me feel guilty. And then I think about the OM and get enraged.

She brings up relation stuff all the time, basically to tell me how much I hurt her.

So I'm doing the best I can (or close to it).

How she met the OM? Business over the internet. Phone calls and e-mail. It happened right under my nose, which makes me look like a.) the biggest moron on the planet and/or b.) such a horrific SOB that another man(?) could woo my W right out from under me with nothing but a kind word.

I know that neither one of these are strictly true, but I feel like a real ass some days.

[imwutend]

This really is a rollercoaster, and it ain't at all fun.

Now the W is happier than a pig in you-know-what, or at least she's giving every indication of it. She's thanking me all over the place for my support, talking about how she's on the move, XYZ ABC.

Trouble is, not one bit of all this fun 'n frolic has anything to do about us. Suspect it has to do with chatting up the OM once again. She's also had some encouragement on some things she's been doing (thanks in part to y'rs truly), so maybe other parts of her life are looking up.

Trying to detach, but can't help but sense that the other shoe's about to drop: "Oh dear, I'm moving away to NYC to be with OM, my one and only true love. Please try to understand and give us your blessing. I'm SO happy."

Ughhhhh.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That shoe may never fall, and even if it does, you'll tear yourself up until: either it does fall, or it doesn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah Jack don't worry about it, easy to say.

How many times have you been right about what she is going to do next?

Your suspicions will eat at you. Anything to back them up? If yes by all means worry about something you cannot control. If no...knock it off.

If that happens the way you envision it: "No, no blessing, except I cannot think of two people who deserve each other more. You'll fit right in NYC"

GAL helps with the Detaching. What have you done for yourself today? What are you doing this weekend?

[imwutend]

I know, I know. That 'shoe dropping' expectation is really the pits, and it's hellishly difficult to totally bury it. When I'm busy, I keep it at bay. But when I'm alone...

Then I start to think. Better - brood.

The whole GAL theory certainly makes sense, but it is basically a better rather than worse way of redirecting your attention. Sometimes I think that the history of the problems of my M are too important to relegate to half an hour of contemplation at the end of a fulfilling day.

See, maybe I'm more subscribed than I think to the analytical side of psychology. I get the feeling that all I'm doing to "live my life" is a sort of manipulation of the situation, the attempt to rehabituate myself to life w/out my W.

That makes sense, but I'm concerned that I'm dodging too much.

For one, I'd like to understand what the hell my W is talking about and why some of the time. That's what I mean by analytical - I want to get to the "roots" of what's going on (even if they are only part of the story).

I want to know how much my behavior contributed to this. It is hard to deal with 1.) guilt and 2.) a sense of being wronged. If I get a better handle on it, I can accept everything more easily.

Not sure if that helps detaching, especially if detaching is sort of "forced" on you.

So what am I doing for myself? Trying to keep my life as it is in order (enough trouble there), with as much attention as available to trying to better it with or w/out the W.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Your a smart cookie imwutend,

Thats too bad. Cause you're gonna think TOO much.

DBing isn't about getting your wife back, it is about helping you...however, in helping yourself there lies the chance to get your spouse back.

I'm doing to "live my life" is a sort of manipulation of the situation, the attempt to rehabituate myself to life w/out my W.

YUP! Bingo...in 6 months or 1 year or 18 months or...you get the idea. If you have rehabituated your life to life without her...and that turns out to be the case...are you going to be better off mentally at that point in time having already adjusted? Conversely if she comes back and you want her, you will have already become a stronger person. Right?

Sometimes I think that the history of the problems of my M are too important to relegate to half an hour of contemplation at the end of a fulfilling day.

You are looking at ALL the small problems that can be grouped under a few big problems...shouldn't take an hour to think of the few big problems, and see how to work on them and avoid them in the future.

For one, I'd like to understand what the hell my W is talking about and why some of the time. That's what I mean by analytical - I want to get to the "roots" of what's going on (even if they are only part of the story).

We all do/did. Until she starts speaking honestly the answers she gives will confuse and contradict anyway. That may or may not happen and if it does...thats down the road man. We all want answers sadly we do not always get them ok? Start trying to accept that.

I want to know how much my behavior contributed to this. It is hard to deal with 1.) guilt and 2.) a sense of being wronged. If I get a better handle on it, I can accept everything more easily.

A little, not as much as you believe, more than likely. Guilt? why you going to do it again? If not forgive yourself, do not dwell on a mistake, just don't make it again. If you plan on doing it again...then feel guilty, mmm K?

As for being wronged, oh man, you were wronged! Suck it up life isn't fair. Otherwise that feeling will hurt you even more. If you cannot forgive the woman you love, your wife....your doomed. Give it up let it go. Everyone gets a screw up, let this be hers.

So what am I doing for myself? Trying to keep my life as it is in order (enough trouble there), with as much attention as available to trying to better it with or w/out the W.

Blah blah blah...pat answer.
I am going to dinner tonight with my parents, tomorrow night I have friends coming over for some games. Staurday writing class in the morning my boys all day long, then hockey game at night with coffee aftwards. Sunday is Family day with my boys and my w.

Thats what I meant.

[imwutend]

Okay, I can see that you're not going to let me off the hook about the GAL.

Yeah, I'm dodging that a bit. I'm not going to pretend that detaching and looking out for myself haven't exactly been the most successful of my endeavors lately.

But:

I exercise (lifting weights and jogging) about 3 times a week on average. Sometimes every day, sometimes twice a week.

I've been setting aside time to appreciate my music collection, and have taken up listening to some new things.

I've been getting back to my work (which I've avoided in favor of spending time with my W).

I've been spending some time in prayer, much more so than ever before.

Reading a few good books.

Dinner with W nearly every day, if that counts (it's a dangerous sort of thing regarding detachment).

I'm not saying that it's quite like taking scuba lessons, but these are the kinds of things I really value in my life. And in the winter, I can't really go out sailing or anything.

Okay, now back to my sort-of "veiled" criticism of GAL...

I know that getting my own life in order will help me be stronger whatever the outcome. I do think that there is a good chance that me looking stronger will help the chances of a reconciliation too.

But so far the things I've seen that have helped get me closer to my W have been more along the lines of developing personal qualities that weren't so apparent before. Listening well, for one.

Yeah, you do that "for yourself". But mainly you do it because you want to be able to relate to others. Your "betterment" is your relational betterment.

Part of making that happen does seem to lie in self-analysis and analysis of difficulties. I do see what you mean - endless brooding ain't doing much. But I've seen positive stuff come of this. The problem is - and you've nailed it - the info I'm getting from the W is confusing indeed.

So I keep going back to it, as if to digest it.

And "thinking too much" is what I'm always prone to do. You're right. You might say I've made it my curse. But now, I'm just trying to figure out how to balance the way I am with the way I'll have to modify my approach to things here.

So thanks for the kick in the ashcan.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

IM,

Glad that you are GALing.

I've been setting aside time to appreciate my music collection, and have taken up listening to some new things.

Not the depressing stuff ok man? No Hal Ketchum Past the Point of Rescue. No Linkin Park Numb...none of that stuff ok? Something fun Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta ... it is a great song for people in our sitch. "I'm not sick, but I'm not well!" heh.

Dinner with W nearly every day, if that counts (it's a dangerous sort of thing regarding detachment).

This is pretty good for you man. Was this your idea or hers? Or mutual? Detaching is just emotionally detaching, up to you if you can or not. But wow, good for you guys...ok if this is your idea....I'd suggest finding out if she likes doing this.

But so far the things I've seen that have helped get me closer to my W have been more along the lines of developing personal qualities that weren't so apparent before. Listening well, for one.

Told you that your are smart.

Your "betterment" is your relational betterment.

Besides physical or spiritual/mental...what other type is there?

the info I'm getting from the W is confusing indeed.
So I keep going back to it, as if to digest it.

Would you digest bull sh*t, literally or figuratively? I mean you could but you won't get anything out of it.

Sad to say at the beginning and most of the journey for them they are so f-ed up in the head it doesn't matter what they say. Hey they might say something insightful, but you have to shift through all the sand to find it, and how are you going to know? Trying to save you some hurt here man.

You'll be fine IM.

Comes a time when thinking too much hurts more than helps. Active imaginations and all that, not good either.

[imwutend]

Let me explain the context of the dinner thing.

My W seems to want to spend as much time as possible with me. This includes having breakfast and dinner, even though we live in separate places.

This also includes sleeping together, although there haven't been any fringe benefits to that for a long time.

She has forwarded me a list including a whole slew of activities she wants to do with me - everything from working on projects together, to cultural events, domestic stuff, and travel.

But (and this is the thing), she "cannot" be married to me. She "can't imagine life without me in it," and "would like to live in the same city, if not the same house," but there is "no way" this relationship could ever be anything other than "friends."

Effectively, she has no family. She has very few friends, none of whom are exactly good role models, and none of whom date back much more than a couple years (if that).

She has a OM, who was ostensibly "just a friend" (very strange to say this even after admitting to PA with him), and who is the kind of friend who wants her to leave her husband to marry him.

So how much am I the default choice?

I don't know. Maybe she doesn't know. It is a lousy position to be in. For example...

She tells me she "loves me" about 50 x a day. When her up mood drops and despair sets in, she shows up at my door or in my bed, looking for comfort. She is so bad off that I can't help but feel for her. It is really wrenching to watch - shaking, crying, gasping for breath, the whole thing.

My "detachment" consists of trying not to get my hopes up when she comes around, but just to show her undemanding love. But this gets to be pretty g-damn tiring when the cycle goes from up to down to up to down again.

And I feel put upon that she wants to have such a happy relationship with me, as if just ushering me out the door and letting in the OM is the most natural thing in the world.

So the GAL thing is important, but hard to pull off.

She's very quick, and can tell when I'm backing away from heavy emotional involvement. Then she starts a kind of game, as if it what's going on is just me being angry: she gives me a sort of smile as if to say, "oh, I see you're taking your distance. Well, good for you," but she sort of pays me back in kind up to a point. Then she usually collapses in one way or another, and the whole thing starts up again.

That's making a very long story out of dinner, but it's a complicated dish.

[imwutend]

...and one problem more --- the W is on her voyage to never-never land right at this moment. Before that dirty ol' sun sets and rises again, she'll be together again with OM.

So is this the test of detachment, folks?

Right now, I'm angry, so I'm not exactly passing with flying colors. I've resisted the temptation to "point out" the fact that she's told me that OM is a walking psychiatric ward, and that's good. I've also firmly said that I'm not "OK" with this crap, and reminded her that she really is trying to get me to be ok with it. But that's sort of simple when you want to punch a hole in the wall.

Now I need to do something 'positive'. Oh boy, can't wait for that...