Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Well guys, it's been a while. Just wanted to give a brief update. Things are not much different. The MC is proving to be a bit stressful for me. The counselor has pointed out many places where my W can become accountable for her own happiness and not blame me for her failure to be happy, but she is doing little to put this into action. On the other hand, the counselor has taken issue with the extreme polarization of the positions my W and I have taken. She has been pushing for some kind of compromise.

W has ceased contact with my cousin, supposedly. I don't really believe that she has, and I certainly don't believe that she has given up the affair. She's simply pining away for him without contact, blaming and resenting me for her choice not to remain in contact with him. I have made it pretty clear to her that I do not want someone that has committed to destroying my son's family in order to further their self gratification as a friend. I will never have a relationship with my cousin again for this reason, and if my W should end things now, without ever getting the marriage to a place where we can evaluate it at its best, I don't see much between us other than civility in our coparenting. So she's trying to appease me in order to get out of the marriage in a good way. So this is a bit frustrating.

We seem to be still in a power struggle, and this is not something I'm happy about at all. I'm doing all I can to maintain my focus on myself and what I want for my life, yet my actions are interpretted and twisted into "controlling behavior" by my W. I'm honestly not trying to control her, and it's difficult territory for me because I don't want to even think about trying to dispute her beliefs, but I don't want her to believe her judgments over my honest statement of motive. Again, frustrating.

Yet the biggest problem now seems to be this whole battle over whether we should end things and how and when, etc. I don't want to participate in proceding towards a divorce if it's not something I want. I contributed to the erosion of our marriage, to its disfuntion, but I refuse to contribute to the destruction of it at this time. W spends her time focusing on getting me to understand that we don't work. She sabotages an interaction and then points out how this demonstrates that we don't work. She gets frustrated with me for making a mistake and then points out how this proves we don't work. This means to her that we should divorce and be done. I agree with her that we aren't working at the moment, but she doesn't leave it there, she tries to prove that it's because of a conflict in our core personalities that we don't work. "You shouldn't have to change who you are in order for us to work - and I don't think you can anyway."

This powerstruggle is not where I want to be. I want to just enjoy life together, regardless of where we are headed. I try and do this. W is making herself miserable, living in a fantasy world both in and out of the affair. She is demonizing me to the point where she says she cringes when she hears me walk in the door. She says she is utterly miserable. At some point she will have to recognize that SHE is making herself miserable, because I don't have the power to do so. And the relief she is expecting from this feeling by way of a divorce is fantasy as well. But it's up to her to find this out, and I'm not sure I'll still be open to a future with her once she does.