I feel I've had enough

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

Not a whole lot has happened in the past few weeks but there were some odd conversations.

One day H and I met for lunch. We had small chit-chat and he asked if we could watch the Super Bowl together. I told him sure. Well that never happended and was never mentioned again. I was not at all surprised that we didn't get together. In fact, I never count on anything where it involves us getting together that is planned in advanced. It somehow gets swept under the rug and H acts like it was never planned. I've learned to stop bringing such things up.

On January 30th H was phoning me over little things. As I was picking up D17 from school for an appointment H phoned me and we somehow got to talking about what would happen if he were to die. H told me that I was the bennificiary on his policies and he trusted me to do the right thing with the money. H went as far to tell me that he wanted me to make any funeral arrangements. I tried to make things light and told him that I had hoped that I wouldn't have to, and by the way, if you remarry wouldn't your new wife want to have a say in this? H danced around that question and told me that he trusted me. He told me that I just didn't get what he was trying to tell me. I told him I honestly didn't. H told me that he still cared for me and wanted me to be taken care of in case something were to happen to him. I started crying but didn't want him to know that I was. I told him that I didn't think he cared anymore. H told me that he knew he had done me wrong and nobody else knows the bullsh!t that has gone on between the two of us. He stated that we have been together for 13 years. One thing I forgot to mention...this day was also our 13th wedding anniversary. Neither one of us said anthing about it and have not to this day.

Two days later we meet for lunch. H asked if I was seeing anyone. I told him no. I asked the same. H said that he has gone out a few times (I'm assuming with a few other women). H said that it's fun in the beginning but then it fizzles out. H said he compares everyone he meets to me. He stated "they are not you." I didn't know what to say. So I asked him what he meant. All he could say was they are not you. (I have heard this statement from him a few times this past year). So I asked H would it be better that we didn't talk on the phone or meet for lunch like this anymore, and would this help him move on so he could get serious with someone? H looked at me with a shocked/surprised look in his eyes and told me NO. H said that he needed me in his life. The only thing I could say was okay. After lunch he phoned me and made me promise him that I wouldn't send him anymore texts asking him not to call me anymore (I have done this 2 or 3 times hoping that no contact from him will help me move on). I told that I wouldn't do that anymore.

The next day I helped him with his taxes and he owes to the federal. He was not too pleased and I was expecting to get blamed for it because I wouldn't allow him to claim our D13 this year. To my surprise he didn't blame me at all.

This week there has hardly been any phone contact from H. He did call me on Monday a few times and once on Wednesday. H usually withdraws from me after we've had an argument but we've hadn't had one so I'm kinda confused as to why the daily phone calls have ceased from him. I'm still kinda gun-shy to call him, even if it's to say hi. Is he waiting on me to start making contact (which he has never questioned as to why I don't call him) or is he needing this time to see if he make it alone without me in his life?