Well, here's a update/explanation addition to the whole thing.
My W complains about a number of things very often: a fear of death. The absence of family. The loss of her self. A fear of failing to acheive her goals. (I'm leaving aside her marriage-related problems.) I don't know how much of this is like a "MLC" or whatever; it seems that the MLC/WAW frameworks are pretty damn similar.
So I don't know how much GAL will do with regard to THESE things. In fact, she notes my distance with almost preternatural skill - I can just THINK "detach" and she catches it. Then she begins to weave together something that seems like a guilt trip on me. I'M the only one she has. I'M the only one she can trust. I'M the one who has taken so much - now it's time for ME to give. And so on.
Taking care of myself, in other words, gets translated in her mind into me "abandoning our friendship."
Ok, so this is something that she COULD work out with a (good) therapist. But she is WONDERFUL at cancelling out on her appointments. She'll go to the podiatrist before she'll make an appointment and keep it.
Just yesterday: a made and deferred appointment with a psychologist - more than likely, she'll defer it forever.
Add that together with the fact that the OM is a bona fide mess (who will not take meds, but studiously assimilates all and any psychological theories as to better "explain" my W to herself), and you get a seriously screwed up situation.
Detaching is not easy when your W is dropping weight week by week. I'm waiting for the supressed menstruation - either she's gone over the line to seriously dangerous territory, or her OM has gotten his wish and finally sired some bastards to warm his waning years (which are scant years away.)
My W professes up down and sideways that she loves me and will love me forever, implying, of course, that I would (if I were a decent human being) stick to the same eternal model if I REALLY loved her too - and sticking to that model means accepting her decision to eat about 500 calories a day (until she "figures her heart out") and blessing her "love" for OM.
Whenever I deviate from #2, I get lumped into the "not unconditionally loving" basket, which means (to her) that my interest in getting some food in her MUST have something to do with my desire to keep her as my wife.
That's why "detaching" is such a issue for me, or at least it's one part of the reason-collection.
