What to expect...part four

[Mamabear]

Thanks for joining in Piglet,

If your H is throwing a tantrum, shifting blame, or threatening to abandon the R, then you have hit a sore spot that needs to be explored further

And how do I explore this sore spot in a way that he doesn't throw a tantrum, shift blame or threaten to leave?

[SweetRedd]

You can't control his reactions to what you say, but being aware of what he's doing might help you to remain calm while he is venting. Try not to be so afraid of his anger and the consequences of it. It'll keep you from addressing the problems with him and the more they are buried, the more resentment will build.

There shouldnt be any harm in you stating your needs in your relationship, or requesting that he sit down and discuss things like an adult. He can not do it, but you're not wrong to ask him to. I guess what I'm saying not too well, is that DBing is about becoming better for ourselves. It's not about changing ourselves so that we can be perfect enough that our spouse won't abandon us. Can you see the difference?

It's OK for you to ask "H, what time can I expect you home?" If he chooses to go off because of it, that's his choice. Continue to ask. Is it gonna push him farther away? Maybe or maybe not, but not mentioning "anything" isn't gonna create forward motion either.

What approaches have you tried on this problem? I still remember changes when you were carefree and very busy with the kids when he wasn't at home. How much time are you two getting alone together? Is your work schedule starting to create more distance between you? What changed from the time when things were going pretty well, until now? If you can't discuss this directly, maybe figuring out what is creating the distancing and fixing it would help?

[runningoutoftime]

Mama Bear,

That's a really good question. Unfortunately, one thing I've read and have come to accept is not everything can be resolved. Sometimes you just have to let it go. I have a similar communication problem. I still want answers about some things and there are things I really would like to discuss in what I think would be a non-threatening, relationship-building manner... but my H will get mad as well. I sometimes try tobe smarter and come up with different approaches that might work.

I wish these things that bother me could be resolved, but I'm starting to realize it may not be possible to resolve everything. But maybe some can, and just focusing on the most important one(s), and trying different approaches might be helpful.

[Mamabear]

Quick update,
H came home 1/2 before I was to leave for work. Looking at me with contempt in his eyes. I sent the kids upstairs and we had a few minutes to talk. He basically said that things were going good and then all of a sudden I started questioning everything. He says he feels like I have his ball$ in a vise grip. He can't make a move without my "permission". He said I am pushing him away. He thinks he would rather get a D and give up everything he has just not to feel like this anymore. He said I analyze things too much, why can't I just let things be. He said he is guarded around me, that I would probably know alot more but he cannot approach me because he thinks I will go off on him. He said things were great when he left for work in the morning and then when we talked I started laying into him if he is 1 hour late coming home and he can't take it anymore. In the end he said just let it go and went upstairs without saying goodbye.

So off to work I went feeling like crap. It's not too easy to be cheerful and friendly when your life is falling apart. As I expected, there was no I love you note left for me this morning.

He also mentioned that he hates when I call him at work; he does not have time to talk he said he doesn't call me when I'm at work. So I guess I will not call him anymore and if he gets his way I am not to care where he is and he can come and go as he pleases. Isn't that a perfect partnership:

[Fender]

MB have you read the Dance of Anger? It is a great book and can help you learn how to ask question without seeming b!tchy. Also have you seen this website?

You seem to be undermining your own progress? Read the book and the info on the website. The book will help with the anger and how to fight effectively and the website with detaching. If you are calling him at work you really do need to detach some. Back off and he will come closer.

[Mamabear]

Thanks Fender,

You seem to be undermining your own progress

You are exactly right, that is exactly what I am doing. Spoke with my best girl friend this morning. She said listen to yourself, would you like it if H treated you that way. She told me to just stop, let it go, that everytime I am ready to say something to "shut the F up". She was watching Dr. Phil yesterday with a similar sitch. The H was mentally exhausted and would go out after work to avoid his W. He was drained and couldn't do it anymore. (Sound familiar?)

GF said regarding the $ H spends on lotto tickets; let it go. H is thinking "Geez I can't even buy a scratch off ticket without her all over my case" budget our $ to accomodate him. As far as H stopping for a beer, that is ok too. He needs to unwind after work; he gets up early, works all day and has to deal with me and he needs a safe place to unwind. She also told me to get rid of all my self help books, she too thinks I overthink everything and H is probably thinking she can't do anything without reading it in a book first. So back to fiction for this chick.

Thanks for following along, off to work!

[oldtimer]

I don't believe that Fender was suggesting that you dismiss your wants and needs as legitimate. Rather, I think the suggestion was that you do so more constructively.

I doubt your girlfriend meant that H should spend several hundred dollars a month without question when you are deeply in debt, far enough for H to bring up bankruptcy. Rather, I think the suggestion was that the two of you come up with a budget that leaves you both with your own discretionary funds.

Again, you are swinging wildly over to the "Mamabear is a demanding b*tch" view of yourself because H had a tantrum. This truly is not going to get you or your M anywhere.

Best,
Oldtimer

[Mamabear]

Update:
Tuesday night and Wednesday I just felt sick to my stomach at how things were between H and I so I decided to just let it all go; especially everything that happened in the past. I changed my attitude to positive and loving and the pain in my stomach dissappeared. I am done dwelling on the past; what you focus on expands. I am going to expand my future with love and happiness for my family and be grateful for all that I have.

(Yes OT, I have now swung wildly to yet another side ;))

[oldtimer]

What are your plans for improving communication and the money sitch?

[~Sol]

Update:
Tuesday night and Wednesday I just felt sick to my stomach at how things were between H and I so I decided to just let it all go; especially everything that happened in the past. I changed my attitude to positive and loving and the pain in my stomach dissappeared. I am done dwelling on the past; what you focus on expands. I am going to expand my future with love and happiness for my family and be grateful for all that I have.

(Yes OT, I have now swung wildly to yet another side ;))

You seem to be going through the same cycles I am, how weird. I was in a rut, angry at the past, what W did, etc. And I got sick and depressed. I changed my attitude, sought out medical help, and got back on track in positive thinking and being grateful for the things I have. It has made a huge difference, and things are improving also. It can be hard, though, to maintain a positive outlook and stay motivated. It's good to hear that you have made the choice to expand your future with good things!