He cannot get over the OW help us...

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

I am in desperate need of help from this wonderful group. Here is the short version of my story Aug 9th 2006 he came home saying he felt we needed a divorce. I was totally blindsided I asked if there was another woman and he said no. I believed him because I wanted to. He had written the longest letter in our 20 yrs together and he placed no blame and told a lot of truths (I am controlling, I am the more selfish one). I agreed with everything he said in that except that I was just as unhappy. I told him we needed counseling he owed me this at least since he had been keeping his unhappy feelings from me for over 6-8 months. So we went to counseling after 8 sessions she said there was nothing in this marriage that could not be fixed and that the problem was with him. She wanted to see him on his own. Well I think she knew there was the OW and she wanted him to admit it, he did not. She told him to ask for a divorce he told me all this but still said he was unsure. This was October 27, 2006.

Fast forward a little, we took the kids to Disney World for Christmas and we just did not feel right. We did not fight or scream he just was not into me or us. Finally on Jan. 6, 2007 we had a fight after our date night and he said he just needed out and that I needed to accept it. It is just I could not understand why even at Disney I asked if there was someone else even emotionally, and he still said no. Well now he was admitting there was someone and guess what she was a good friend of mine. I asked if he loved her and he was unsure. This broke my heart, but I told him I could forgive him then and there which looking back I think he wanted me to make the final decision. I just cannot give up on us. Why? This is the most painful thing I have ever done. He did call the OW and
told her I knew everything and that he was through with her. I finally felt I was not crazy and could understand his source of unhappiness.

I thought now we can really start to reconnect, but this seems almost not possible with him still emotionally attached to her. It is going on 5 weeks and we are reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is awesome, it fits our situation entirely. She says not to make any decisions to give up for three months and he is having a hard time with it. I try to do the DB of working on the marriage while the affair is still going on, even though he says he has not seen her or talked to her he still loves and misses her. I know I need to stop pursuing him, my heart just wants him so. He has done all this to me and I cannot let him go, I just love him so much. He says he will give me whatever, so I know financially I will be fine. I am more so scared for our kids D (12) and S (10) and how they will get through this. They do not see us fight, we rarely raise our voices. They know we are having issues but they saw us all cuddly and loving those first two weeks in Jan when he really was trying to connect. This morning I told him he probably should find an apt. he just wants to make a divorce decision based on his feelings for the OW . He feels we will waste rent money and that he should just file, I try to explain that I cannot live with him until it would be final and that by separating he can see what he would be missing in terms of me and the kids and our routines. I feel there is a chance he may change him mind once he is on his own,

Right now it ended with us trying to go day by day baby steps. He has agreed not to throw the towel in so far, so I may have bought 6 weeks if I can keep my emotions together. I am scheduled with a therapist (new one) this coming Monday so maybe she will be able to give me some insight. He says he does not need counseling and I think he does not want to hear that hard cold truth that his infatuation/fantasy is only that. The OW was pushing him to file for D and he does not like to be pushed. She filed immediately in August and they are almost complete but she is still living with her ex and he knows nothing of this affair. I told her I would not tell him if she and my H had zero contact. I really feel they needed another month to see that the R would have ended naturally. OW has two boy 12 and 8 and they are in therapy right now.

My help is how/what do I do to keep us going in the right direction. I know I need to be positive and stop pursuing him, it is just so hard. I hear all about how he misses her and that he feels we cannot reconnect, kinda hard with her emotionally between us. He just does think he can forget about her. I said he forgot about us and our 16 yrs together.. He feels his trying to reconnect is to Not think of OW and I am not sure this is valid??????

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I would call into a coach but I am not sure there is anything I can do at this point. I am willing to do whatever for him but he seems hell bent on proving we cannot make it.

Me 41
H 44
D 12
S 9
Married 9/15/90
First Bomb 8/9/06
Truth told 1/6/07