The reason I ask is because I work rotating 12 hour shifts myself and my W use to hate the hours. Lots of overtime to which took it's toll on our M. I like my occupation, but I work in IT and in my line of work it's either going to be shift work or your going to be on-call 24 hours which to me is even worse.
I've learned since then to volunteer less and work less OT. Not for her sake, but for my own. I realized I was neglecting my family by not spending enough time with them. I spend more time with my boys now which is what is really important in life. It's one of many lessons I've learned from this experience.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
My H's work certainly contributed a lot to our break-up. Not surprisingly when he was working abroad 5 days a week (where he met the OW). He denies that this had anything to do with it, of course!
Here's my thread 4ever_regretful, on Surviving the big D.
4ever, I'm so happy to hear that things went well when he came home! Sounds like the little bit of time apart has given him a chance to clear his head somewhat.
Probably a good thing you didn't say ILY. It'll probably be tough to know when the time is right to test the waters and say it again, (but with any luck, he'll beat you to it ). One of my H's complaints was that I didn't say ILY much. I pointed out that just because I didn't say it doesn't mean I didn't show it, and listed off little things I used to do which were my way of saying ILY without actually saying the words. So saying the words more would actually be a 180 for me, but saying the words is also very bad DBing, and he sure as hell doesn't wanna hear that from me at this point in time.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Working hours contributed in a BIG way to my sitch....H on night shift Wed-Thurs-Fri-Sat night...so no weekend, plus me, a workaholic wife who was only physically present at home before 9pm after having a baby (sometimes wouldn't be home before midnight before getting pregnant)...recipe for disaster. I will never repeat that and work will never come first in my life again. And my H knows that I am willing to (HAVE already!) altered my schedule. Just hope it's enough to save things and hope he will try and change his too so we have weekends together if he decides to come home.
Sometimes we don't know how important people are to us until they are no longer there.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Thank you all for sharing! Astimegoeson, my husband worked in IT as well. He had a regular Mon. - Fri. schedule, but was on call all the time. No matter what time or what we were doing, he was bound to receive a call. Quality time with love ones does need to be a priority.
I am trying to not regain my title as the OT Queen, but habits die hard. I am planning on setting a limit for myself on the amount of OT I will work. That would be progress.
Journaling:
Had two phone convos with H. I initiate both calls. One after my MIL and I took our daughter to have some "ritual" done so she would not cry so much and be more healthy. My MIL's idea of course. I called to tell him about it and the convo continue about my D and the funny expressions/things she has been doing. That was the longest call we have had in a long while. Another baby step?
The second call was made on my way to work. I told him I was on my way to work and I had learned on to ride a bike. Learning to ride a bike has always been one of my personal goals. I was not able to before because I was too afraid to fall to give it a good try. Now going through this sitch and all, falling down and getting a few scratches don't seem that bad. He was surprise I was going to work so early and commented on it, but then he recalled the OT so I didn't have to explain. Simply him remembering about my call last night was good. He was asleep and my call woke him, so I didn't think he would remember what I had said. He congratulated me on learning how to ride the bike. I asked him if he was on his way home. He told me he was still at work and went on to explain why. He ended the call. Still considering it a positive since he bothered to give me details on why he was still at work.
As I am typing this, I hope I am not being too optimistic about the prospect of reconciliation. He may just be acting as he is because he is comfortable with the current situation with no thoughts of reconciling. He may even think he has made the right decision to file for the D. Just voicing some of the thoughts crossing my mind. I won't let them bother me too much.
PMA is still high and am confident it will remain high for the next few days.
Ask away. I am just not sure if I can explain it well. I only have a vague understanding of it myself. I have not been able to get a clear and concise answer when I have asked. Therefore, I don't quite believe in it.
We took her to a "specialist" which I usually translate into as a much elder person gifted with the understandings of the "other" forces in the world. It might help to let you know I am Asian. There is a belief that the world is made up of several elements and these elements must be balanced for harmony. So my D was seen by this elderly man in his home. He happens to be related to MIL. Not sure how. But everyone seems to be related. Yet that is another topic. My D was said to have too much of one element determined mainly by touch. This may sound cruel, but I have experienced it first hand as a child and not much pain involved. To correct the balance he took a piece of "something" (can't describe it). I will find out what it is call and let you know. Well he took a lighted incense and lit the "thing". There is a slight glow, but it diminishes quickly. This "thing" was then placed on her over different areas of her head, forehead, face, hands, and feet. Naturally, my DD is crying the moment the "thing" first made contact against her skin and long after it was done. My MIL was holding D during the whole process. All I could think about was Asian's give a whole new meaning to tough love.
Journaling:
Spoke to H a couple of times over the phone. Yes, I know. I shouldn't be calling so much. I had my reasons. The first call was made to ask if he needed anything from Costco. I usually like to ask because I don't like going more than once a month. Mainly because I will be shopping for two families (immediate), his and mine (just caught how I would separate the two). Conversation was cut short because his co-worker was calling.
Called him again on the way to work to give him info about my W2 and such. We are planning to file jointly for last year. H was still at work. Short conversation.
I called him again remembering how I had forgotten to tell him I had moved more of my stuff back from my parents. Should have asked, but I didn't think I was going to be bringing that much stuff back. I didn't want him to think I was dismissing this was his place and he has allowed me to stay. When I called I hear his friends in the background. Sounded like they were watching television. Perhaps waiting for the rest of the gang to arrive to start playing Texas Hold'em. That would be a usual Friday night for them. For some reason I was upset to hear them there. Perhaps it reminded me that he was spending time with them religiously every week like before and maybe they weren't going to gamble, but gathering to go clubbing. That was a possibility. When I spoke to him, he didn't offer any info of what he may be doing and of course I didn't ask. For a while after that call I was very upset and contribute it to the fact that he may be having fun without me. But after giving it much more thought, I realized I should be happy he picked up my call. He could have ignored it and let it go to v/m, like he has done before. Guess this could be a baby step from the latter view.
PS: The stuff I was bringing were clothes. For the past month or so I have not felt a need to deviate from the 5 sets of clothes I would interchange. Mainly because I had gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy and was not able to fit properly into most of my clothes. Now that my old favorite jeans are fitting so loose, I am sure I can make use of my other clothes. I even feel like giving more thought to what I will be wearing on the weekends when I see H. Don't get me wrong. I was not in sweats and such most of the time, just mainly in jeans and t-shirts. More of a casual person anyways. Sorry about my ramblings. But this has helped my PMA stay high. I gained so much weight during my pregnancy I thought I would never lose it all. Just 5 more pounds to get back to my original pre-pregnancy weight! Then I just need to work on gaining back muscle.
Thanks for taking the time to explain the ritual. It sounds very spiritual in nature. I was thinking the rituals the Nun's in my Catholic grade school were putting me through were odd.
Anyway, good to hear your PMA is still high. Don't worry so much about H having a good time. Get out and do something on your own that you find fun or entertaining. Good job on the weight loss. Wear something this weekend to make H notice.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I don't recall what I wore, but my focus on myself paid off.
ML with H on Valentine's Morning! Best yet, he initiated it.
Enjoyed a couple's massage and dinner together that evening. H got off work early to join me. H usually does the footwork to plan everything, but I did this time and I think he appreciated it.
No talk of reconciliation, but I am keeping my fingers cross.
Sounds like the little bit of time apart has given him a chance to clear his head somewhat.
). One of my H's complaints was that I didn't say ILY much. I pointed out that just because I didn't say it doesn't mean I didn't show it, and listed off little things I used to do which were my way of saying ILY without actually saying the words. So saying the words more would actually be a 180 for me, but saying the words is also very bad DBing, and he sure as hell doesn't wanna hear that from me at this point in time.
But will work on controlling myself because I do not want to invade H's space and have him revolt by withdrawing.