Finding me....

[Delil@h]

This is why I love this place...... people like COG and just being able to heal what is so important.
I feels so blessed right now and I really do have to stop being a slave to my feelings,,

I had just told my aunt in a convo on the phone minutes before I read this I am so tired of feeling this way I cant even stand myself right now!!!!!
..... and boom I see now more than ever that I am the one hurting me and I choose to be shackled to the pain and I am denying my H ( AND MYSELF) too the greatest gift of all and all he wants ...me.. and that will make him feel so much better.
I AM JUST AMAZED..
MY GOD ..
GOD BLESS THIS FORUM ...
THANK YOU COG...
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BIG THIS WAS FOR ME......
GOD BLESS....

[Delil@h]

I FEEL LIKE A GREAT WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED OF MY SHOULDERS AND KNOW THAT I HAVE A LOAD OF WORK TO DO AND TO STOP WALLOWING IN MY SELF PITY AND FEELINGS AND GET MY SELF TO WORK.

I WILL BE POSTING DAILY AGAIN AND I AM HOPING TO BECOME WHO I KNOW I CAN BE,,, I NEED TO LET GO NOT JUST TRY TO AND FAIL REALLY REALLY LET GO.

I AM GOING TO REALLY WORK ON THIS AND MAKE MYSELF INTO THE WOMAN THAT IS HERE UNDER ALL THE PAIN THAT I CARRY AROUND WITH ME DAILY. I AM HOPING IT IS FAR LESS WORK ~~~~~ TO WORK ON BEING HAPPY AND SURRENDERING TO MYSELF AND MY INNER BEAUTY THAN THIS PAIN I HAVE BEEN CARRYING AROUND,, WISH ME LUCK.

WELL EVEN BETTER IF YOU READ THIS JUST SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR ME IF YOU CAN REMEMBER AFTER YOUR OWN VERY BUSY DAY.XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
THANKS AND GOD BLESS...

[Heywyre]

Hang in there Ali - we are all routing for ya!!

[Delil@h]

This is a list of the things that my H wants from me and then he says he will be who I need him to be...
1. I want you to look good for me.
2. I want to feel you.
3. I want you to show me you love me.
4. I want YOU to be happy.
5. I want to feel you when we make love you make me feel like you are just doing it to please me...
6. I want you to not wear jogging suits when I am at home.
7. I want to feel like you love me.
8. I want us to get better I do not care anymore about this I have been tryiong so hard and you still have not changed.
9. I want you to be strong.
10. I want you to ML to me with more passion. Like you used to when we met you used to come and just take me...
11.I want you to trust me.
12. I want you to be who you used to be your personality changed so much since we met.
13. I want to feel like you want me.
14. I want you to give me encouragement and make me feel good about myself.
15. When you trust me and let me go is when I come back so much sooner cause you believe in me.

I am sure I will think of more later,, big enough list at any rate...
and all of them boil down to me loving me and feeling valuable really.
One side note I realized all the music on my playlist that I play quite often in my IPOD is not the healthiest to listen to it is either a little sad or about being hurt so I made a new playlist for myself and I am off to the gym this morning to get my body and spirit in shape,, I am only 36 and I am walking around like I am about to die and wallowing in sadness when I know better. It is just hard to pull yourself up whe you keep getting it wrong and I need to stop my thoughts racing and just start from now and look forward to the future I am quite sure he will spend it with me if I can get this down and yet I feel fear too.
It seems so simple for me to just be happy and get on with it but I do see now that my faking it till I make it has not covered all the pain I still choose to feel and he knows me too well,, he asking for me to take care of myself and then to show him me and lift him up like I used to,, It is going to take work but I am sure I am up for it,, if not I will remain sad and so will he ,, a lot of power in my hands and I think that is what scares me.

I wanted to be important to him and now that I know I am it puts alot of pressure on me and when I feel like I do not measure up, I just give up and stay still instead of moving forward. I get ready to give up when he does not push me along and that needs to stop too.

Alot of work to do.....
God bless....

[Delil@h]

Thanks HW now if I would start routing for myself and feel like I really do deserve to be Happy... I know I need to so I just need to start,, I was feeling so beautiful for awhile and then It just left me... I have to get me back and stop being depressed,, I have struggled with self esteem issues since I was younger and there are times when I have been strong like when my H met me. Off to find me and recharge my spirit. Thanks again sweetie your support means alot to me!!!!
God bless...

[Delil@h]

I am going to sound like a fool but I have a ? for you all...


..... how do you deal wuth gossip about a spouse from a close friend of his telling my friend?

They told my best friend awful things about my H and they are even to shocking to put here.... I will say dealing with affairs and other things even worse than that.. I am in shock and I need advice.
Any input would be so greatly appreciated,, please, please ,please help.
I cant confront him on the phone as he is thousands of miles away and he will just say what I want to hear but I guess I want to know how much of what people say they know about your spoiuse does one take to heart.
I am still again like I said AM IN shock and I dunno what tommorrow will feel like.
God bless....

[Heywyre]

Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you actually see yourself

It's gossip - leave it at that. If any of it is true, you will find out yourself in time. But for the time being, you have enough to deal with - let it go

[SvenTheRed]

Hi Ali,

I'm with Heyewyre - let it go. Rumors are rumors and rarely based in fact. Cheeseless tunnel. You've had a rough couple days already - don't spend any time there.

Hey, just some ramblings I had after reading your post about your H's wishes. And to me this so nicely fits into some Mars/Venus thinking. It is important to note that us men seek validation - or significance. Many of the things there spoke of this - for your H to feel loved, he must feel that he is significant and contributing to YOUR happiness. In what ways can you connect with him (using unconditional love) such that he feels important.

So the next point, Mars/Venus would also say something to the effect that women seek connections. Hard to connect perhaps to someone you FEAR will leave you or that it won't be enough. When we let fear rule, we lose the ability to love unconditionally and we close the connection. I suspect your H might be sensing the same. When we love unconditionally, we shrug off fear and accept others as their imperfect selfs - and are able to make and maintain connections.

I know for me, what led to the bomb was that I was seeking validation in all the wrong ways - I was a workaholic - choosing that over my family. I though having the nice house and best cars, etc. would "get" my family to love me. When, in the end, they just wanted to know I cared about them. As I have been through this journey, I have centered my focus around gaining validation from how I have held this family together. And the more that I lead, the more my W follows - and validates for me that I am the man she wants and needs me to be. And I do it with no expectation from her - unconditional love shown day in and day out - so that she feels the connection she needs and I get the validation I need.

Its not perfect all the time, don't be confused - but it does get better and better every day.

If you are into reading and trying to figure where you H's head is at, read For Women Only by Feldhahn. It is a quick read and it might help you get into your H's head a bit - which might in turn ease your mind that you can in fact give him what he is looking for. AND, at the same time, stay focused on yourself - your GAL'g for your sake - you're self discovery for YOUR sake.

Hang in there...

Sven

[Heywyre]

Hey Sven - you made some good points. I think that is part of my H problem too, feeling he is not needed by me (which of course he is ALOT) but he keeps telling me how "strong" I am and I want him to feel as though I do need him but how can I do that without him feeling I am "needy"?
Give me some "man" answers will ya?

[runningoutoftime]

Hey Ali,

Go to the bookstore and get a book or two with positive daily affirmations. Also start a "Things I like about me" list or journal. Start with a few things you like about yourself and add to it every day. Read it every day.