I understand completely about the memories of your H and the OW together. I guess you could say I obcessed about it for along time. I would close my eyes and see her face(I saw her picture she sent my H). I would think about the nights they spent together in a hotel room (she sent pictures of the room and pictures of my H in a robe sitting at the table with room service!). It would tear me apart! I asked my H a few questions but I feel some of his answers were not totally honest. There are a lot of things I know I am better off not knowing. I no longer talk to my H about the A because I feel after a year and 8 months there is really nothing else to be said. There is nothing else he will tell me or even can tell me. To him,it is over,finished,done with and should be left in the past. He is right but I don't think I will ever forget it. I do know however that the pain has gotten so much better. I no longer feel the need to burst in to tears when I happen to think about it. The deep deep pain is no longer there...just a sadness. One thing that helped me was that she lived out of town and he stopped the trips there. The A was very brief (only 4 trips in 4 months)and he broke it off when I found out. Also he never loved her or told her he did. Another think that helped me was going to the town where she lived and making my own memories. That may sound crazy to some people. Everytime I thought of the place (which incidently was somewhere that I had always wanted to visit) it made me angry,it hurt and it made me hate the thought of the place. He agreed to take me there for a romantic get away 8 months after the A ended. I went on line and found some places there I'd like to go. Unbeknown to me I picked the place where he met her!! He agreed to take me there because he said it held no special meaning to him but he was concerned that we would see her or some of her friends and they would say or do something to try and upset me or hurt me and he didn't want that to happen because we were doing so good and having so much fun together. It was her "hang out". Well,she was not there the night we went. Then we went there again 3 months later to celebrate our 33rd anniversary. We went 2 nights in a row (I really liked the place and it was the best place in town to have drinks and dance) and I guess it was not meant to be that we run in to her. What happened to me was that I now have only happy memories of the things my H and I did there together and I have happy and very special memories to replace the unhappy ones.
I honestly do believe it is normal to think about it and I also believe it is a part of the healing process. Coming here also helped me so much. Anytime I think about it and it makes me feel a little nuts,I come here and everyone is so caring,understanding and make me feel so good about myself. They make me see that I am human and quite normal!! I am a firm believer that time does heal!! I have already healed a great deal and I know that I still have some healing to do. I have dealt with the issues one by one. Slowly but surely I am dealing with them and eventually I hope that her face will be totally erased from my memory and the whole A will be just a distant sad memory.
You need to ask yourself if the things you want to know are things that you'd be better off knowing or something that would just add to your pain if you knew. I feel that if there is something I really "need" to know,it will be revealed to me. I am a firm believer in prayer and Goid answering them! I prayed for a long time for a way to find out what was making my H and me so unhappy in our M and to find a way to fix it. The A was revealed to me...yes,my prayer was answered in a way I didn't like or want and in a way that hurt deeply but God knew that it was time to stop it and showed me the way. He also knew that my H made the choice and I would have to be hurt but He also knew that out of the pain would come a more loving and a much stronger R with my H. That has happened!! Now I pray that whenever we go to that place,if it is meant to be that we run into the XOW,then God will see me through it. I no longer worry about "her" or what she did with my H. Why? Becuase it simply no longer matters!! It happened,I cannot change it,my H can't undo it. The important thing is to find a way to replace the hurtful memories with happy ones.
If you H is with you,the XOW is completely out of the picture and you and your H have love going for you then you will make it. You will eventually put the hurtful past behind you. It won't happen overnight. It takes work and it takes time but the "prize" at the end is worth it. You will find peace of mind and your R with your H will be happy,fulfilled and strong!! I wish you the very best and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. If you would like to talk to me privately about anything please feel free to email me at...pfroglady@aol.com.
