Hi, PMC.

Boy, you asked a tough question!! I sat for a while pondering before my attempt to answer.

I guess I never felt disgust for my H. I also never felt hated for him. I don't know why. I've asked myself this question over and over. My H has asked me the same question, "Why don't you hate me? How can you love me?" Just don't. Just do.

Now, that's not to say I don't get angry from time to time when I think about this whole mess. There are still times when I feel like I'm going to explode from anger. But I let myelf feel that anger for a short time, and then I ask myself how I would feel if my H and I were to divorce. The answer is very clear. That pain would be worse than pain I felt on discovery of his betrayals -- and that was incredible pain -- beyond belief pain!!

Please understand that it has taken me a very long time to get to where I am now, and I feel like I'm still a work in progress. But, like I said above, unfortunately it took this crisis to wake me up to what was really important to me.

We went through marriage counseling for about 9 months or so. Little did I know he was involved with an EA at that time and was getting nothing out of the MC, but I did. I made me stronger and more able to handle learning about the EA. When I found about about that, I realized just how much trouble my H was in -- going from a PA right into an EA. This was definiately not the man I'd known for 30+ years. I'm not saying it wasn't devastating for me, but I knew my H needed me more than ever at that point. He was definiately in crisis. I had to "be" there for him. I just had to. I really felt like I didn't have a choice. That "little voice" inside me told me that he needed me.

My H's attitude of remorse and begging to me help him also had a great deal to do with my own healing. He went into counseling on his own almost immediately, and has continued to go faithfully every week.

In my situation, PMC, watching my H "come back" to me was a miracle. After having watched him slowly slipping away from me, and not knowing why or what really to do about it, it was miraculous to see the light return to his eyes when he looks at me. It's miraculous to hear him say "ILU". It's miraculous to have him gather me into his arms and hold on to me like he's afraid if he let's go I'll be gone. All of these things and so much more help to chase away the residual anger and pain that crop up every so often.

So, I guess I would encourage you to get some counseling if you haven't already -- both individual and MC. Talk to you W and let her know how you feel. (Try to keep the word "disgust" out of any conversation ). I happen to believe what Dr. Phil says about healing relationships after A's -- the betrayed partner needs to feel "heard." The straying spouse tends to want to sweep things under the rug. That will just cause more resentment. Get it out in the open, deal with it, and then be done with it.

I don't know if any of this helps. In the beginning, nothing helped me. I really never thought being happy again with my H was possible. It's a very long process. Like I said, I still struggle occasionally. But with the loving support of my H and all my friends here, I continue to get stronger.

We each come to our own conclusions in the end about what we can and cannot live with. Many times I felt that I could not live with what my H has done. But, I live with it because the only choice I have is to live without my H. I am not willing to do that.

Also, in my situation, my H suffers from depression -- probably has on and off his entire life. Once I finally understood how debilitating depression can be, I was able to "look at things through different eyes." He just was not himself. Not making excused for him. That's just the way it is. When he started getting treated for the depression, he changed so dramatically that it's just hard not to think of him as having been "sick."


Hope some of this helps.


Mattie