Really loved your post! I am one of those people that feel a M can be better and stronger after an A. Things are different I agree but I honestly feel that the A was a major wake up call for both of us. We have talked about it and we both feel that our bond has strengthened because of the changes we both made following the A. We were both scared of what happened and we both know that we never want to be in that place again. We both admitted that we took each other for granted. I too never thought that I could ever lose my H. The thought terrifies me,not because I feel I can't live without him,but because I love him with all my heart.
At first I felt the A was my fault even though my H was telling me it wasn't. I finally realized that the A was NOT my fault but I had to accept part of the responsibility for the condition our R had gotten into. I too had to take a long hard look at myself and to be honest I didn't like what I saw. I was unhappy,miserable,over weight,bitchy and several other things that I hated. I knew that I was responsible for those feelings. True my H was not trying to make me feel better but the bottom line was...I can't allow someone else determine how I feel about myself! I made changes. As soon as I started losing weight and exercising I developed more self confidence and started feeling not only physicvally better but mentally and emotionally better. I did not do this for my H... I did it for me...he did however,reap the benefits !!
Thankfully my H also realized that he had changes to make in himself also. He has never been a very talkative" person,never liked sharing his feelings. He is trying really hard to open up more. He now tells me when something is bothering him and doesn't hold it in. He shows me now that he appreciates me and the things I do for him.
I am one of the fortunate ones in that my H and I knew that even though things weren't going too good,we still had love going for us. We didn't want to lose each other and we wanted to make things better.
I know our M is better. It wasn't because of the A...that was just the thing that brought us to our senses before things got worse. I believe in my heart that God answered my prayers. Yes,I had to be hurt for those prayers to be answered but I have dealt with that. I prayed constantly that we would find a way back to each other. I prayed that we would find a way to fix what was wrong and if it was God's will,we would fix things and stay together. My H can't explain why he brought home all the evidence of the A. He said he "just did". But my belief is that his "conscience" led him to do it so things would come to a head and be settled one way or the other. We honestly have "fallen in love all over again". We remembered all the reasons why we fell in love in the first place. This time however,we realize that you can't take that love for granted or you could lose it. Because of that knowledge we fill that our M has become stronger. Because we know we don't want to lose each other we are working harder on our R and therefore the M is stronger. People have remarked that they see a difference in us(and no one has a clue about what we have been through...they just could see what we were unhappy and we seemed "distant" toward each other).
I still have memories of the A and they still cause sadness. I am happy to say that the pain has all but gone. I don't believe I will ever totally forget the A but maybe that isn't a bad thing. It will serve as a reminder of "what can happen". I have learned to accept that "it happened and I cannot change it". I now start thinking of all the positive things in my life whenever the memories of "her" pop in my head. I refuse to allow someone who means nothing to either of us control my life. It has been almost 2 years (in March) and I have come a long way. My M survived and is in a great,happy and solid place.
I wish you continued happiness and peace Mattie!! You deserve it!! Anyone who has been where you have and survived with your H and your M still there,deserves all the happiness in the world!! I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope I will continue to hear from you from time to time!!
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