Immediately after my H dropped the bomb on me last year, I started researching this thing called infidelity. I read up on everything from the infinite number of reasons given as to why a spouse strays, to how to overcome the betrayal and build a meaningful relationship once again. I went to marriage counseling. I watched Dr. Phil. The one thing I kept hearing over and over is that it is possible for a marriage to be stronger and better after an affair. I totally disagree.
Infidelity rips and tears at the very core of a relationship. Many -- dare I say most -- don't survive.
So, why do I feel my relationship with my H is so much better now? Not because of the infidelity, but because of the crisis as a whole. And by "whole" I mean his depression and MLC, or emotional crisis. That was the major storm in our M -- not the A's. It has taken me a very long time to come to grips with that. I finally accept that the A's were just a symptom of his crisis -- a very, very unfortunate symptom.
During the past 2+ years of my H's emotional crisis, I have been forced (yes, forced!!) to take a very hard look at myself and my role in this marriage. In the beginning, I wasn't willing to do that. After all, I was the wronged partner. I was the betrayed one. But as time went by, I knew I needed to take responsiblity for my part in the demise of my M. I started my journey.
I was forced to admit that I could lose my husband -- that he could stop loving me. That concept had never entered my mind before. What I had so selfishly taken for granted for almost 20 years, I realized could be taken away from me at any moment. It scared the *%$# out of me. Why is it that we don't realize what we have until it's gone?
We have all heard stories about people who have had near-death experiences; people who have had serious illness, etc. who say, "Boy, do I look at life differently now!" I guess that's the way I feel about the crisis that my H and I have weathered. Boy, do I look at him differently now! I appreciate him so much more. I know how precious his love is, and I will not take it for granted every again. I believe if my H were given the opportunity, he would say the same thing. He holds on tight to me now. He knows how close he came to losing me forever. I know it still shakes him up to think about just how close he was to losing us all.
We made it We've been to hell and back, but we're together and happier than ever. If that's not love, I don't have a clue what is!
I have learned my lessons well. I will never let my guard down. I will not take my H's love for granted. I will always remember how it could have ended another way. I will always remember the gut-wrenching fear of the possiblity of losing someone so precious to me. I will remember that the present is all we have, and I will make the best of it I can. I will let go of the pain and embrace the joy.
Remember, infidelity is a SYMPTOM, not the cause of any problem. This may explain why you feel this way! You do not feel that your relationship is better BECAUSE of his infidelities and your subsequent dealings with the problem, but because the symptom showed you first of all that something was wrong, and second of all lead you to action, to rectify the situation!
Had he NOT had an affair, he would have been unhappy, without showing any outward signs, and you may never have gotten to the place you are now!
Like many diseases, you were able to figure out the cause by examining the signs...and caught on time to be able to cure it. You did not only take care of the symptoms, but of the cause of these!
If ALL of this hadn't happened, we would both have gone on the way we were and missed out on what we have now. I wish to God it didn't take this crisis to wake us up, but apparently that was the only way God could get us to listen.
I will always have to deal with some pain regarding this chapter in my life. There's just not getting around that. Probably even some anger and resentment occasionally. I am, after all, only a mere mortal. But that pain pales in comparison to the pain I would have felt had things not turned out so well.
Really loved your post! I am one of those people that feel a M can be better and stronger after an A. Things are different I agree but I honestly feel that the A was a major wake up call for both of us. We have talked about it and we both feel that our bond has strengthened because of the changes we both made following the A. We were both scared of what happened and we both know that we never want to be in that place again. We both admitted that we took each other for granted. I too never thought that I could ever lose my H. The thought terrifies me,not because I feel I can't live without him,but because I love him with all my heart.
At first I felt the A was my fault even though my H was telling me it wasn't. I finally realized that the A was NOT my fault but I had to accept part of the responsibility for the condition our R had gotten into. I too had to take a long hard look at myself and to be honest I didn't like what I saw. I was unhappy,miserable,over weight,bitchy and several other things that I hated. I knew that I was responsible for those feelings. True my H was not trying to make me feel better but the bottom line was...I can't allow someone else determine how I feel about myself! I made changes. As soon as I started losing weight and exercising I developed more self confidence and started feeling not only physicvally better but mentally and emotionally better. I did not do this for my H... I did it for me...he did however,reap the benefits !!
Thankfully my H also realized that he had changes to make in himself also. He has never been a very talkative" person,never liked sharing his feelings. He is trying really hard to open up more. He now tells me when something is bothering him and doesn't hold it in. He shows me now that he appreciates me and the things I do for him.
I am one of the fortunate ones in that my H and I knew that even though things weren't going too good,we still had love going for us. We didn't want to lose each other and we wanted to make things better.
I know our M is better. It wasn't because of the A...that was just the thing that brought us to our senses before things got worse. I believe in my heart that God answered my prayers. Yes,I had to be hurt for those prayers to be answered but I have dealt with that. I prayed constantly that we would find a way back to each other. I prayed that we would find a way to fix what was wrong and if it was God's will,we would fix things and stay together. My H can't explain why he brought home all the evidence of the A. He said he "just did". But my belief is that his "conscience" led him to do it so things would come to a head and be settled one way or the other. We honestly have "fallen in love all over again". We remembered all the reasons why we fell in love in the first place. This time however,we realize that you can't take that love for granted or you could lose it. Because of that knowledge we fill that our M has become stronger. Because we know we don't want to lose each other we are working harder on our R and therefore the M is stronger. People have remarked that they see a difference in us(and no one has a clue about what we have been through...they just could see what we were unhappy and we seemed "distant" toward each other).
I still have memories of the A and they still cause sadness. I am happy to say that the pain has all but gone. I don't believe I will ever totally forget the A but maybe that isn't a bad thing. It will serve as a reminder of "what can happen". I have learned to accept that "it happened and I cannot change it". I now start thinking of all the positive things in my life whenever the memories of "her" pop in my head. I refuse to allow someone who means nothing to either of us control my life. It has been almost 2 years (in March) and I have come a long way. My M survived and is in a great,happy and solid place.
I wish you continued happiness and peace Mattie!! You deserve it!! Anyone who has been where you have and survived with your H and your M still there,deserves all the happiness in the world!! I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope I will continue to hear from you from time to time!!
I was reading your post and it begged me to ask you a question.
First....a little background. My wife and I have been together 18 years and married 11 of those. She left our marriage and our two young children this summer as she was having an EA with an older man she met at the gym. It didn't take long after she left for it to turn to a PA.
She now says that she wants to work on things and I am having a lot of trouble motivating myself to do that. I look at her with disgust more than anything and I find it hard to imagine that I could ever get the same feelings back that I had for her before.
You appear to have gotten over this or maybe you didn't even go through it. If you did how did you manage to get over the anger? How can you look at your mate with love and respect after what they have put you through?
I am not sure if this is only a temporary feeling for me but I honestly have to bite my tonge when she asks me what's wrong...because if I was honest it would derail this whole thing.
Boy, you asked a tough question!! I sat for a while pondering before my attempt to answer.
I guess I never felt disgust for my H. I also never felt hated for him. I don't know why. I've asked myself this question over and over. My H has asked me the same question, "Why don't you hate me? How can you love me?" Just don't. Just do.
Now, that's not to say I don't get angry from time to time when I think about this whole mess. There are still times when I feel like I'm going to explode from anger. But I let myelf feel that anger for a short time, and then I ask myself how I would feel if my H and I were to divorce. The answer is very clear. That pain would be worse than pain I felt on discovery of his betrayals -- and that was incredible pain -- beyond belief pain!!
Please understand that it has taken me a very long time to get to where I am now, and I feel like I'm still a work in progress. But, like I said above, unfortunately it took this crisis to wake me up to what was really important to me.
We went through marriage counseling for about 9 months or so. Little did I know he was involved with an EA at that time and was getting nothing out of the MC, but I did. I made me stronger and more able to handle learning about the EA. When I found about about that, I realized just how much trouble my H was in -- going from a PA right into an EA. This was definiately not the man I'd known for 30+ years. I'm not saying it wasn't devastating for me, but I knew my H needed me more than ever at that point. He was definiately in crisis. I had to "be" there for him. I just had to. I really felt like I didn't have a choice. That "little voice" inside me told me that he needed me.
My H's attitude of remorse and begging to me help him also had a great deal to do with my own healing. He went into counseling on his own almost immediately, and has continued to go faithfully every week.
In my situation, PMC, watching my H "come back" to me was a miracle. After having watched him slowly slipping away from me, and not knowing why or what really to do about it, it was miraculous to see the light return to his eyes when he looks at me. It's miraculous to hear him say "ILU". It's miraculous to have him gather me into his arms and hold on to me like he's afraid if he let's go I'll be gone. All of these things and so much more help to chase away the residual anger and pain that crop up every so often.
So, I guess I would encourage you to get some counseling if you haven't already -- both individual and MC. Talk to you W and let her know how you feel. (Try to keep the word "disgust" out of any conversation ). I happen to believe what Dr. Phil says about healing relationships after A's -- the betrayed partner needs to feel "heard." The straying spouse tends to want to sweep things under the rug. That will just cause more resentment. Get it out in the open, deal with it, and then be done with it.
I don't know if any of this helps. In the beginning, nothing helped me. I really never thought being happy again with my H was possible. It's a very long process. Like I said, I still struggle occasionally. But with the loving support of my H and all my friends here, I continue to get stronger.
We each come to our own conclusions in the end about what we can and cannot live with. Many times I felt that I could not live with what my H has done. But, I live with it because the only choice I have is to live without my H. I am not willing to do that.
Also, in my situation, my H suffers from depression -- probably has on and off his entire life. Once I finally understood how debilitating depression can be, I was able to "look at things through different eyes." He just was not himself. Not making excused for him. That's just the way it is. When he started getting treated for the depression, he changed so dramatically that it's just hard not to think of him as having been "sick."
I really do appreciate your thougths Mattie and I usually take time to reflect on a lot of things before taking any action....so far this has been a good thing.
I know that my wife is going through something that I don't understand....she will be turning 35 in a few months and has been a full-time stay at home mother over the last 8 years. She has only told me that "I am a great guy that would never hurt a soul...and that I don't deserve any of what she has put me through" This gives me very little comfort and my anger and disgust are more towards what kind of man she has left to have the affair with.
I did get angry once and told her that I believe this man has no charachter...she was very defensive about him and told me that it takes two....I can understand this but I spoke to him on two separate occasions to ask him to back off from my wife as she was going through some difficult times in her life. Each time he did show remorse but it did not stop them from escalating their relationship to a PA. Right now this hurts more than ever...I feel I gave this man two opportunities to take the high road and he chose not to take it.
Now when I feel this much anger it affects my feelings for my Wife since I can not separate her from him right now. She has accepted counseling for herself just last week and she spoke about how she knows that she needs to work on herself right now, before she can work on us.
I look at this as a positive sign, but my fear is that it has taken so long that I now look at her with indifference where I never used to be able to look at her and not feel love. I worry that I will never get the respect back that I had for her.
You sound like you have come through your ordeal amazingly well. I wondered if the difference may lie in the way a female can interpret the affair as I appear to be stuck on the other man at the moment...just a thought.
Anyway, I appreciate your comments. I honestly can't say that they help me today but your comments around how would I feel if we divorced...made me think a lot. I need to learn a lot about forgiveness as this seems to be the farthest thing from my mind right now.
We've been to hell and back, but we're together and happier than ever. If that's not love, I don't have a clue what is!
!!
). I happen to believe what Dr. Phil says about healing relationships after A's -- the betrayed partner needs to feel "heard." The straying spouse tends to want to sweep things under the rug. That will just cause more resentment. Get it out in the open, deal with it, and then be done with it.