Immediately after my H dropped the bomb on me last year, I started researching this thing called infidelity. I read up on everything from the infinite number of reasons given as to why a spouse strays, to how to overcome the betrayal and build a meaningful relationship once again. I went to marriage counseling. I watched Dr. Phil. The one thing I kept hearing over and over is that it is possible for a marriage to be stronger and better after an affair. I totally disagree.

Infidelity rips and tears at the very core of a relationship. Many -- dare I say most -- don't survive.

So, why do I feel my relationship with my H is so much better now? Not because of the infidelity, but because of the crisis as a whole. And by "whole" I mean his depression and MLC, or emotional crisis. That was the major storm in our M -- not the A's. It has taken me a very long time to come to grips with that. I finally accept that the A's were just a symptom of his crisis -- a very, very unfortunate symptom.

During the past 2+ years of my H's emotional crisis, I have been forced (yes, forced!!) to take a very hard look at myself and my role in this marriage. In the beginning, I wasn't willing to do that. After all, I was the wronged partner. I was the betrayed one. But as time went by, I knew I needed to take responsiblity for my part in the demise of my M. I started my journey.

I was forced to admit that I could lose my husband -- that he could stop loving me. That concept had never entered my mind before. What I had so selfishly taken for granted for almost 20 years, I realized could be taken away from me at any moment. It scared the *%$# out of me. Why is it that we don't realize what we have until it's gone?

We have all heard stories about people who have had near-death experiences; people who have had serious illness, etc. who say, "Boy, do I look at life differently now!" I guess that's the way I feel about the crisis that my H and I have weathered. Boy, do I look at him differently now! I appreciate him so much more. I know how precious his love is, and I will not take it for granted every again. I believe if my H were given the opportunity, he would say the same thing. He holds on tight to me now. He knows how close he came to losing me forever. I know it still shakes him up to think about just how close he was to losing us all.

We made it We've been to hell and back, but we're together and happier than ever. If that's not love, I don't have a clue what is!

I have learned my lessons well. I will never let my guard down. I will not take my H's love for granted. I will always remember how it could have ended another way. I will always remember the gut-wrenching fear of the possiblity of losing someone so precious to me. I will remember that the present is all we have, and I will make the best of it I can. I will let go of the pain and embrace the joy.

I wish the same for you all.


Mattie

Last edited by matilda; 11/15/02 02:28 AM.