quote:Originally posted by gbon: Justifying an affair...
I believe this involves putting yourself in your spouses shoes for a moment.
The spouse who starts an affair has typically been deprived of their basic relationship needs. These could be attention, affection, conversation (the big three for people who start affairs), etc...
These needs are often different from the needs of the spouse who is being cheated on. Take note that most people's needs change in some way with time. Thus the beginning of problems. The cheated on spouse has probably been trying to fulfill the needs of their significant other, but using the needs that they feel are important, not important to their SO.
Imagine, if you will, being neglected, ignored, verbally abused, etc... for many months or even years by your spouse. You start to long for attention and respect from your spouse, but it never happens (well, occasionally, but not consistently). So you start to withdraw. Over time, the urges to have your needs met become stronger and stronger. Then... you notice the guy/girl you work with seems to be fulfilling your unmet needs through basic conversation. Soon, your conversations start involving your personal life (marriage, dreams, expectations). Wow, you find that this other guy/girl not only listens to you when you talk, but they seem interested as well. You start to compare this person to your spouse, who by now has become a villian in your mind. Not knowing this new person as well as your spouse, you put them on a pedastal, they can do no wrong in your eyes. You start to fantasize about being with this person. This marks the beginning of an emotional affair.
Now that you've experienced a little bit of joy and happiness by spending time with this other person, you wonder why you ever married your spouse in the first place. Now you really shut down towards your spouse. You wonder how you could possibly be in love with your spouse when you have strong feelings for this new, exciting (and I emphasize the NEW and EXCITING) person and relationship. You begin to convince yourself that you have a natural born right to be happy (which by the way, you do) and you must do whatever is necessary to achieve this happiness. The quest for happiness is a very POWERFUL force that causes people to become "takers" instead of "givers". So, you start to take more than you give, which includes continuing your inappropriate (inappropriate meaning that your intentions are not of moral standards) relationship with the new person that seems to be fulfilling your needs (not all of them mind you) and making you happy. JUSTIFICATION #1: After all, what's wrong with being happy? So, you decide, if you haven't already, that you are going to exit your current relationship with your spouse (either emotionally, physically, or both) and make a go of being with this new person. JUSTIFICATION #2: After all, what's wrong with being with this new person when your relationship with your existing spouse is dead?
So, your spouse finds out that you're seeing someone else (CHEATING) and they cry, beg, plead, call you names, blame you for the breakup of their family, etc... You now think to yourself, damn, I've made the right decision to leave my spouse, look at the way they're acting. I don't want to live the rest of my life with that person. JUSTIFICATION #3: After all, they are not only out of control, but they want to control my life as well.
There are more justifications, but these three seem to be the most common.
Of course I'm not condoning their decision to have an affair, but I do understand why.
Greg
[This message has been edited by gbon (edited 05-02-2001).]
