Good point, Muddle. But I really wasn't upset about the time thing. I recognized that this was maybe me trying to be "caring" and it wasn't necessary. But yes, in my mind I was hearing, "here's one more way you annoy and displease me". There is rarely any gratitude or encouragement from her, just a steady stream of complaints, some subtle and some more blatant. Again, it's often not the complaint it's the delivery! So yes, I let loose this morning...inappropriately. I did strike back. Often her remarks are made out of frustration about things outside of me and I know that, so I try not to respond. It's hard to know where to step in and where to let it go. I can't go through life with letting every little thing work me into a lather but I also can't let her just slice pieces of me off little by little. Maybe just to calmly say "I understand your issue, I will work on it but I would prefer you to bring it up in a more polite manner?" What do you think? Cuz basically it was the friggin tone behind it that got me going, not the content of her complaint. It's also that there is never anything good to balance it. But hey, she doesn't love me, my feelings aren't a priority for her and she's is in ME ME ME mode, so what can I really expect here?
This seems to be a good way to deal with this issue:
Quote:
Basic premise - You can talk to me about anything as long as you treat me in a way that I find acceptable.
Action plan - If your tone is nasty, 1. I will draw attention to the fact that I am having an emotional response. I will state how I would like to be spoken to. 2. If the tone doesn't change, I will draw attention to the tone and state that I am not going to continue in a conversation where I'm spoken to in an objectionable tone. 3. If it continues I will remove myself from the situation for a set period of time.
First and foremost is being aware yourself of how you would like to be treated and how the current treatment is not acceptable. Second is communicating this awareness (both parts are important - what is objectionable and how you would like to be treated). Third is making it clear that this is not negotiable. You are defining yourself in this interaction, and if the way you have defined yourself is not respected, you will not remain in this situation.
The benefit of this is that YOU are aware of what you want. You are in control of your space. You are in control of your emotions. You are not stuffing them just to get through a conversation without having an argument or some other conflict. Your W will only abuse you as much as you allow her to. You are expecting her to act according to a code of honor that she doesn't have. Maybe she thinks you behavior gives her all the reason she needs to act horribly towards you. You gave yourself permission to let her have it based on her behavior, I'm sure she does the same. Make it clear what you want and what you don't want.
This was a foreign concept to me when I first started incorporating this into my interactions, but what I was doing wasn't working. My perception changed when I started being more assertive. It seems to have balanced the scales somewhat. I'm not a perpetual victim, with my W choosing to wrong me ("what a bad person, I just don't understand why she chooses to act that way"), but I'm an equal party to the negotiation of behavior. Let me ask you this: do you expect that when you wife decides to work on the marriage and recommit that she'll suddenly hold you in high esteem and act the way you think she should all by herself? This inbalance in your relationship has always been there on some level and it will always be there. What are you doing to change this? More of the same won't help anything.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Just a little side note to myself: Only an idiot expects to be validated by a woman as unwell as my W! Is it reasonable to expect graditude and sensitivity from her? NO. Is it reasonable to allow her moods to dictate my PMA? NO. Is it reasonable to expect to be treated with a minimal amount of respect and politeness. I'd say so. DETACH for the millionth time, dummy! OK, done. To do this is the trick. Wish me luck!
Hey, how about not expecting anything, and then looking for the positive in what happens? It's there you know. There's genuine caring there. You're focusing to much on your hurt to see it.
I think you are trying to make your world predictable with your expectations. Maybe if you detach from your desire for an outcome, from your desire to know what will happen, from your desire to protect yourself from the threat you are expecting, you might just realize that your PMA is still going strong. Focus on the positive.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
How the heck do you do that, Muddle! Seriously, I need tips from the Master on this. It's not that she doesn't do nice things for me, at times she does. I try to be accepting and genuinely grateful when they happen. But to be happy with a person who is so miserable much of the time feels so beyond me! I do notice that weeks she seems to be more up my PMA is skyhigh but on weeks, like this one, where she is in a mood my PMA drops drastically. It's the underlying hostility I pick up which probably (again, for the millionth time) has little to do with me. I am just the recepticle she spits into. I also wonder about why even bother? If I was in a prison camp, like Victor Frankl, it would be absolutely imperative to look for ways to survive as best you can but I am not in a prison camp, I can leave! Sometimes I think only a fool or someone with real emotional issues would stay here without the hope of anything changing (I know things change all the time but...)Are the heavens going to open up and my W is hit with the revelation "My God, I love my H"...don't think so. Is it best for the kids to see their father treated like furniture and learn that this is how you treat a spouse? Maybe it's just time to clear the mind and go from there. Thanks again, Muddle.
You recognize that your W's hostility doesn't have anything to do with you. Yet she's dumping it on you. Do you want this? Do you want to be on the receiving end of this? You don't have to be, and you shouldn't be. If she's stressed or upset or angry she can share this with you, but not take it out on you. It does affect you, regardless of whether it's because of you.
Leaving is not the only answer here. You can learn very valuable relationship negotiation skills here. Things will change as long as you are willing to.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, one of the things I wonder about is how do you decide which issue is to be confronted (I hate that word but...) For example, last night she came up from the basement and said "Is this the most I can expect with those magazines?" I had put some old magazines I've had for years into bags and was going to recycle them but the bins were full so I put them back in the basement until next pick up. I responded "what do you mean?" and she said "Is this all I can expect, that they will be in bags?" This was with a somewhat unpleasant, frustrated tone. I explained to her my plan and why they were there. She responded "well, if they don't go out can you at least put themin boxes, seeing your magazines in bags drives me crazy" I said "Sure, but they will be going". Would this be a time to say "I would appreciate if you would use a different tone with me" or do I just brush it off as just another one of her little mood thingies? How many of those do you handle in the course of a night before confronting? You see, I tell this boring little diddy because this is what I face frequently. If I say, "Is everything OK" I get a verbal swat, so I don't. If I confront each time I'm being a prick, constantly harping on her every word. So any thoughts from you, or others, would be helpful. I want a peaceful house but one that values respect as well.
