This seems to be a good way to deal with this issue:
Quote:
Basic premise - You can talk to me about anything as long as you treat me in a way that I find acceptable.
Action plan - If your tone is nasty, 1. I will draw attention to the fact that I am having an emotional response. I will state how I would like to be spoken to. 2. If the tone doesn't change, I will draw attention to the tone and state that I am not going to continue in a conversation where I'm spoken to in an objectionable tone. 3. If it continues I will remove myself from the situation for a set period of time.
First and foremost is being aware yourself of how you would like to be treated and how the current treatment is not acceptable. Second is communicating this awareness (both parts are important - what is objectionable and how you would like to be treated). Third is making it clear that this is not negotiable. You are defining yourself in this interaction, and if the way you have defined yourself is not respected, you will not remain in this situation.
The benefit of this is that YOU are aware of what you want. You are in control of your space. You are in control of your emotions. You are not stuffing them just to get through a conversation without having an argument or some other conflict. Your W will only abuse you as much as you allow her to. You are expecting her to act according to a code of honor that she doesn't have. Maybe she thinks you behavior gives her all the reason she needs to act horribly towards you. You gave yourself permission to let her have it based on her behavior, I'm sure she does the same. Make it clear what you want and what you don't want.
This was a foreign concept to me when I first started incorporating this into my interactions, but what I was doing wasn't working. My perception changed when I started being more assertive. It seems to have balanced the scales somewhat. I'm not a perpetual victim, with my W choosing to wrong me ("what a bad person, I just don't understand why she chooses to act that way"), but I'm an equal party to the negotiation of behavior. Let me ask you this: do you expect that when you wife decides to work on the marriage and recommit that she'll suddenly hold you in high esteem and act the way you think she should all by herself? This inbalance in your relationship has always been there on some level and it will always be there. What are you doing to change this? More of the same won't help anything.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
