Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[LoginName]

HW, I've seen some of your posts on other's threads too, and I'd like to comment,because you've touched on a topic that is important to me; namely, why are we the ones doing all the work and where is the understanding of how we feel, let alone gratitude.

For starters, reading around, it seemed that some LBSs were very willing to be total martyrs and accept all the blame and take pride in how selfless and pure they were. Maybe that's true for some and maybe it works for some, but it didn't work for me. (I've always had a problem being a martyr anyway. As a 180, I need to be more overtly selfish).

When I was just starting on this journey, I had some wise advisors who would hit me over the head with 2x4s whenever I felt that I was getting the crappy end of the stick and thinking too much about how I was the harmed one. I think I needed those 2x4s then, although I felt I just wanted some support and acknowledgement that I was hurt too.

So, I am glad in a way to hear people like you talk about how we have some dignity too, and deserve some consideration.

But, I think it's easy to overdo. At least in my case, I think that my W must have really been miserable for her to do what she did, and she must really be afraid of returning to that misery if she can't find a way to commit yet to the R. I don't understand all of her misery. I don't think it justified what she did. But just because I can't understand it doesn't mean it's not real for her. This has to be really hard on her too. I'm guessing that it's hard for almost all of the WASs. Maybe, in whatever way, it's very hard for your H too. Maybe he's facing some serious questions about himself that aren't too comfortable.

But still, we deserve medals, and a parade, and some affection.

Your comment about having more bad days then good lately is an important reminder to me and others that when you start piecing, the stich doesn't magically become wonderful. It's probably even harder. When my W was away, I was surprised by how strong I was. Now that she's here, it seems harder in many ways. When it was clear cut - she's gone, get over it and move on - it was somehow easier. This stuff, and maybe especially for you, is very ambiguous and confusing. And sometimes I think we probably ask ourselves if it's worth it.

By the way, my W said I was too needy. I've read around here that is not an uncommon complaint toward the LBS. I don't think it's totally justified, but there is some truth to it. Need is tricky. The MC told us that he felt I wasn't needy, but maybe over accomodating. Just had a thought about neediness; I think I will try to not ever NEED her again or need to be needed. It seems sad to become so self contained and self sufficient that you don't need anyone. It seems the opposite of initmacy. But I'm going to give it a try and see what happens.

Got a little long winded here, and still have more to babble about, but I'll quit now. Hang in there HW. I've heard that we learn more from pain and challenges than from happiness. Think of all you must be learning!