This is a list of the things that my H wants from me and then he says he will be who I need him to be... 1. I want you to look good for me. 2. I want to feel you. 3. I want you to show me you love me. 4. I want YOU to be happy. 5. I want to feel you when we make love you make me feel like you are just doing it to please me... 6. I want you to not wear jogging suits when I am at home. 7. I want to feel like you love me. 8. I want us to get better I do not care anymore about this I have been tryiong so hard and you still have not changed. 9. I want you to be strong. 10. I want you to ML to me with more passion. Like you used to when we met you used to come and just take me... 11.I want you to trust me. 12. I want you to be who you used to be your personality changed so much since we met. 13. I want to feel like you want me. 14. I want you to give me encouragement and make me feel good about myself. 15. When you trust me and let me go is when I come back so much sooner cause you believe in me.
I am sure I will think of more later,, big enough list at any rate... and all of them boil down to me loving me and feeling valuable really. One side note I realized all the music on my playlist that I play quite often in my IPOD is not the healthiest to listen to it is either a little sad or about being hurt so I made a new playlist for myself and I am off to the gym this morning to get my body and spirit in shape,, I am only 36 and I am walking around like I am about to die and wallowing in sadness when I know better. It is just hard to pull yourself up whe you keep getting it wrong and I need to stop my thoughts racing and just start from now and look forward to the future I am quite sure he will spend it with me if I can get this down and yet I feel fear too. It seems so simple for me to just be happy and get on with it but I do see now that my faking it till I make it has not covered all the pain I still choose to feel and he knows me too well,, he asking for me to take care of myself and then to show him me and lift him up like I used to,, It is going to take work but I am sure I am up for it,, if not I will remain sad and so will he ,, a lot of power in my hands and I think that is what scares me.
I wanted to be important to him and now that I know I am it puts alot of pressure on me and when I feel like I do not measure up, I just give up and stay still instead of moving forward. I get ready to give up when he does not push me along and that needs to stop too.
