There's this dynamic my H and I have had in the past ( which still affects me) and I am wondering if it resonates with you and your H as well. I have noticed that my H seems to do something hurtful towards me, and the resultant guilt he feels makes him want to make up for this, which drives his sexuality. IOw, it goes like this: Hurt IHJ...feel bad...want to make up for it...feel sexual. Over time, I began to shut down, which lead to a whole different scenario. How cool it would have been if H and I were able to have this talk with me saying, " Look, you have some need to hurt me. It would really be great if you could try to bypass this step. I'll try not to personalize it in the meantime, while you work on yourself, and I'll try to see what behaviors I am doing to perhaps cause you to want to act in this fashion. Now let's make some popcorn." And then I'd have to ponder if I am getting distracted in fantasy-land and this is my H's way of getting my attention.
Maybe the brutal honesty stuff is the way to go and Cobra is just ahead of us all.
