Mojo is 42

[MJontheMend]

Wow Mojo you're up early - or late?

I'm always up by 4 or 5 but I have a tendency towards "can't get back to sleep" insomnia so if I wake in the middle of the night that's it for me.

Your H is not very well, he is suffering from depression. Has he seen the doctor about this? Does he know he is depressed? You are losing your jingle because he has sucked it right out of you, that's what depressed people do to those close to them. Everything I read about your H reminds me of mine, peas in a pod, and your comment about being cranky when he really wants to cry resonated very strongly. They put up "don't come near me" walls/barbed wire/machine gun nests when they are losing it and can't cope. Being nice to someone else at that point is more than they can handle.

He does know that he suffers from dysthymia. He has been treated for it off and on over the years. He is back on Wellbutrin since last week and and hopefully he'll stay on it. He has the tendency to quit taking anti-depressants because he doesn't like the side effects.

I'm glad that you posted with this thought because I was kind of thinking along those lines. My thought was "I have lost my jingle because I am trying to empathize with someone who is depressive.". It's kind of like trying to empathize with someone who is in a coma. I shouldn't let myself go to that place.

If your H cares for you he should be able to say (even if you have to give him the script)
Mojo I'm sick and depressed and I can't see a way to enjoy my life right now, however that doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy yours. Go and have fun in any way you can, bring home a little sunshine and don't feel bad if that sunshine doesn't warm me up. Finding a way for me to get happy is my job not yours.

This is true and the bit of advice about (even if you have to give him the script) is right on target. To give my H some credit he did give me the note on my Bday indicating that he owed me about 10 years of fun. It's really incredibly sad that he recognizes this but is still unable to do anything about it. That is why I felt sorry for him when he couldn't manage to get me some flowers later in the day. Which, now that I think about it, points directly to my problem at the moment. When he apologized for not getting me flowers, I said "That's okay. Just give me your charge card and I'll order a bunch of garden seed and have lots of flowers this summer." BUT I never went ahead and ordered the seeds. I wasn't able to take care of myself in that way because feeling sorry for him was making me feel sorry for myself.