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I told him that he wouldn't see S this weekend as we were going to California. He was curious to find out more but I smiled and said that details didn't matter (my brother is in the US for a week or so, so I am going to SF to see him). I know I shouldn't have but I said (as he was on his way out of the door) "I would have liked you to come with me...." he replied "err...oh..no, that isn't right". For some reason that made me quite upset.


You have every right to be upset as you were just being honest. But at the same token, try not to if you can, to express your desires right now. Just try to see what happens if you don't.

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Anyway, later on I felt really down depsite having a good day. It was that last comment he said that got to me, like he didn't even want to go anywhere with me. I called his cell (knowing that he wouldn't quite have reached OW yet). I told him I was sad and that even though I am trying to move on with my life I miss being a family and I hold out some hope that we may give our marriage another chance. I didn't say anymore or get too tearful (just a wavering voice); just wary of him thinking the sitch is OK and I'm happy about it. Anyway, for the first time in a while I feel like I heard some very geniune words...he told me "i do miss being with you babe" (and quickly followed that with "and of course I miss S too"). I told him that I didn't want to have a go at him or get angry or talk about R etc - just wanted him to know that I am hurting. Surprisingly he didn't try to get me off the phone (like ususal) and we changed the subject to california......of course I told him who and why (he kept asking who I knew in california and I am not a good liar.....too damn honest!). Anyway, all in all, it ended on a good note and he said "I'll see you tomorrow".


Lord knows how many times I felt like this in the early beginnings of our separation. Though I never got past holding the phone but not actually calling, I've always wondered what would have happened if I did. Of course since I know what I know now it would've just put more pressure on her. It's totally understandable. On a good note, it may very have left a good impression. That the door is open should he decide to work on it.

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Ups and downs...it's giving me a headache. I'm very stressed with work this month although I am really trying to make the effort to keep looking after myself. Need to look good every time I see H and so far it's working. He is noticing.


Kudos on the looking good part. But also keep in mind you're doing it for yourself as well. Looking good plays a major part in feeling good. When I started doing this, I have to admit I really worked hard so it wouldn't be too over the top or seem out of character. For a while there I felt like I was in MLC. But in time it just felt natural. It's been a while since I was being hit on by women but if felt good. I only felt somewhat uncomfortable in instances where the ladies seemed to be in their mid 20's. I felt old enough to be their father. I wonder what would have happened if my W was with me at that time. Just kidding! Just wondering.....

Time and patience are your allies. Make the most of them and use them to your advantage.

Keep up the good work and you and your family will be in my prayers.

I'm not sure if right now you have the desire to read up on books but one that I've been reading recently really caught my attention. It's entitled, "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck MD. Check it out at your local library. You can google it and see the some excerpts before you decide to pick it up.
Hang in there my friend.

H