Bizarre situation

[geordie]

ask them if they want to go out and have drinks or something on the nights that he sleeps over. see how he reacts. Once again don't make yourself too avaiable and creative a mystery about yourself when you go out during the times that he least expect it.

Thanks for your comments....problem is, because he is on night shift he sleeps here in the daytime so he would never know if I went out. Also with having the little one it is almost impossible to get out alone....hard to trust anyone with your child if you don't know them too well. But I am making progress in that area, getting to know someone I may be able to leave S with for a while, and occasionally I have taken S out with me for a meal with a friend. H seems curious to know my whereabouts too.

I did check out the meet up links....amazed to see one abour British ex-pats! I do miss home more now because of this situation. Would have SO MUCH support if I was home and plenty of opportunity to go out as the grandparents miss S so much and love to have him as much as possible! Guess that's why I didn't miss H over Xmas as I was having a lot of fun!

Recent interactions with H have been good; he has been doing little things for me (called me out of the blue last night asking what size the air con filter was as he was in the store and wanted to get one...??! Guess he wasn't with OW at that moment even though he just drove to her several hours previously). Tonight when I came in from work he was lying on the bed with S (trying to get him to sleep - guess he misses him since he's never around at bed time, and S usually sleeps in his crib) and he seemed really relaxed and didn't rush away when I came in. Wanted to show me how he makes S laugh. Things have been positive overall.

I told him that he wouldn't see S this weekend as we were going to California. He was curious to find out more but I smiled and said that details didn't matter (my brother is in the US for a week or so, so I am going to SF to see him). I know I shouldn't have but I said (as he was on his way out of the door) "I would have liked you to come with me...." he replied "err...oh..no, that isn't right". For some reason that made me quite upset.

Anyway, later on I felt really down depsite having a good day. It was that last comment he said that got to me, like he didn't even want to go anywhere with me. I called his cell (knowing that he wouldn't quite have reached OW yet). I told him I was sad and that even though I am trying to move on with my life I miss being a family and I hold out some hope that we may give our marriage another chance. I didn't say anymore or get too tearful (just a wavering voice); just wary of him thinking the sitch is OK and I'm happy about it. Anyway, for the first time in a while I feel like I heard some very geniune words...he told me "i do miss being with you babe" (and quickly followed that with "and of course I miss S too"). I told him that I didn't want to have a go at him or get angry or talk about R etc - just wanted him to know that I am hurting. Surprisingly he didn't try to get me off the phone (like ususal) and we changed the subject to california......of course I told him who and why (he kept asking who I knew in california and I am not a good liar.....too damn honest!). Anyway, all in all, it ended on a good note and he said "I'll see you tomorrow".

Ups and downs...it's giving me a headache. I'm very stressed with work this month although I am really trying to make the effort to keep looking after myself. Need to look good every time I see H and so far it's working. He is noticing.

Oh well...that's it for now.