and just for my own edification whatsis, may I add "some people have no morals!"
Thank god we are not SOME people
It is funny that you say that. I have said that same thing to myself. You know, at one time they did have morals but threw them away because they let the selfishness of their wants take over. They didn't communicate their needs and decided that they were going to go elsewhere. Why? We may never know but I think they are at this point now that they just think, "I have already committed the ultimate sin, so why not go for this full steam ahead."
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
ngu, by going full steam ahead they are legitimizing what they have done, "the ultimate sin". Love is considered the ultimate legitimzer of anything we do. S thinks "if I wasn't truly in love with this OP then this would be wrong, so therefore because I am so in love WTH is your problem with it!" They feel frustrated that we just can't accept it and carry on because "love" is the ultimate in making it OK, in their eyes. Stubborn, I remember on the "dumbest thing" thread one fellow said his W's OM told her "God says this is OK" Wow, where do you go after that! Thanks for checking in folks.
Hi everyone, I've just been doing a little thinking about the way I've been feeling the past few days. My W's planning of a trip struck me as a blow. It showed that she wasn't thinking any further about my counselling idea but just carrying on as usual. It would appear that we're back to "if you want to leave, then leave". I must remember that all this is what is going on in my head, it may not necessarilly be so. But I feel like my options in this sitch are become fewer each day. A big part of me says "it's over, there is no way she is going to change". I've always kept plugging away and that little hope that maybe something I was doing would make a diff. I feel that part is being sucked out of me now. Do I hang in and hope to outlast the OP? Detach and just carry on? or do I say this is not working lets sit down and discuss separation. She seems to be under the impression that it's as easy as me just going, uh uh! I do wonder if she actually sat down and looked at what would be entailed in that process whether that might force her to think about the future more. Does she realize that legally I am entitled to half of what the house sells for? Does she even realize the house would be going? How would she be there for the kids on her nights to be with them? There are tons of things to deal with yet her response is an off the cuff "leave if you want to leave". I could try the LRT or tell her there is a cutoff date for her to choose to save her M and family, or else? I don't know, it's just a horrible feeling to even contemplate ending our family. So, for now I will continue with my activities and keep my spirits up, go back for counselling and see what comes my way. I just don't see our family remaining intact at the end of this. That's sad.
Continuing the thought process here. I'm wondering whether an option might be to tell her I'm making an appointment with the counsellor and ask if she'd like to come. If not, ask her how it is that previously she said she would go but now, will not. What has changed? If she still is unwilling then I will go for the appointment and discuss the next step. I'm thinking maybe it's time to say "I'm letting go" and give her the space she needs. I would suggest I move into a spare bedroom, we separate the finances by both keeping separate bank accounts and contributing whatever is needed to the family pot for bills etc. I would suggest we sit down and talk to the children about what is happening. I then let go and live my life as best I can. That could be the next step. I'm tired of f@cking around. Something must change and I can't live my life waiting for someone who does not want to be part of it. She needs to recognize that the status quo is ending. Again just some thoughts before BR dance 2 lesson 4 Cha cha cha
Well, BR dance was an interesting event (I'd say affair, but I hate that word now) last night. At break time I had the urge to grab my coat and leave! W was correcting me frequently, or actually fine tuning my performance. I'm not sure how much was my sensitivity and how much was her being a b!tch! Again, my W looks at dance differently than I do, she has done it since childhood and does a number of different styles in other classes. She looks continually at the "little things" and, unlike myself, can actually notice these subtle things that make a dance better. I'm just nervous and trying to stay afloat! I tried to tell myself this, and follow her "suggestions" but felt kind of deflated when I never hear anything positive. Just before break she made a remark about how I was holding her and my face just fell. It was obvious to her I was not happy. During the break she began to small talk with me, which is unlike her, and initially I wasn't receptive but then decided to let it go and carry on. Now, I thought about mentioning it to her but, again, I wasn't sure how much was me and how much was her. My akwardness and sensitivity versus her perfectionism and tendency to be a b!tch. On the way home we did not speak, not unusual. I guess I'd just like to hear once in a while "Hey, you did pretty well in this dance" or acknowledgement when I correct something she pointed out. I'll figure out what to do before next week. On the way she started to talk about our finances, no problem. She suggested we get together as a family on the weekend to start looking at how to cut down spending and start a savings program. I said I thought her suggestion was wonderful. Then she started with a longstanding approach to problems, she began putting us down. "This is disgusting, the way we handle our money, our children can't even go anywhere and have to sit at home because we can't handle our money" I pointed out that we have had a number of large expenses to cover but no longer and it is therefore a perfect time to start saving for things. Our kids just went on a trip to China in the summer, costing $6000 and we just took them for a weekend getaway. WTH does she think is reasonable! Oh well, got to go...work calls! Oh yes, I guess I should have validated rather than defend, live and learn!
I've decided to take the "suggestions" at dance class at face value, helpful suggestions. I think she is very proud of her skills at dance and loves to share them by trying to improve me! I've got to relax a little more when I'm on the floor. She wasn't snarky but actually in a pretty good mood. It's just very hard to constantly feel that I'm being "fixed" meaning the way I am isn't good enough! Gee, that might touch a sensitive cord somewhere LOL. If I continue to feel this way after next class I think I will ask her to chill out a bit. If she gets pissed, she gets pissed. Now as for the finances. It's bizarre that here she is talking about us getting a savings plan going to save for trips, house repairs, emergency fund as though we are a "normal" couple planning to spend the rest of our days together. I'm not sure whether I should just go with this and go full tilt into planning mode with her "as if" or say "hold on here, I think we need to split up our finances" Right now I have nothing yet she has money stashed away and growing each pay cheque. On the other hand, if she's willing to work as a team towards joint purchases etc then is that not a good thing? Is it not something we can build on? I tried to do this last year with her and it died a slow death. She wasn't interested, it wasn't a priority to her. Now, she sees it as something important. I guess at any time I can say "time to split the finances" so is there a rush? Any kindly thoughts here anyone?
Well DBers, W and I had a little skirmish this morning. I'm just not ready for criticism before I even get out of bed! She needed to get up early this morning and I rolled over to let her know the time as the alarm wasn't set. She stated bluntly "I know the time" I said OK. She then said angrily "Can I tell you something? At 6:30 every morning you are rolling around in the bed and I can't sleep!" I replied "then maybe I should just sleep elsewhere!" She said "Oh yes, that's right, I can't ever say anything about anything besides it's all my fault anyway, isn't it!" I said "It appears I can't do anything right, I can't even sleep right now. Maybe if something nice ever came out of your mouth that would help!" Yes, it was a classic "how not to fight" episode. All those "evers" and "nevers" were as inappropriate as they always are in such situations. Before I left I approached her and said "I'm sorry for keeping you awake and I'll try to roll around less" there was no reply. I said "see you later, have a nice day" and she replied "You too". I felt what she was asking was not wrong but again it was tone and delivery. I also don't like to just leave things lying like that. I feel I did what I could to reach out a little. I know there's something happening at work and this week is a typical reaction on her part, but I have my limits too. It wasn't the way I would have wanted to handle her sh!t but it was a start. Just don't rag on me before I'm even out of bed!
Where was the criticism? I can tell you, it was in YOUR mind. She made a statement about what you were doing, and told you how it affected her. She was connecting with you, and you took it as criticism and got defensive and unleashed your pent up anger at her.
You were hurt by the tone of her response to you telling her the time. Did you tell her this? Did you draw her attention, or your own, to your feelings? It seems more like you attacked her back. Acknowledge your feelings in the moment and communicate them when they happen. Otherwise you just look for an excuse to attack her back.
Please don't take this as blame, just notice what you can use to your advantage here. It's much healthier for both of you if you acknowledge your feelings.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
