I can only share something she said to me over Christmas. It was short of saying "what the hell was I (she) thinking" on her part - but I'll take it. In essence, she said "I was really 'hoping' all along that you would 'get it' and that the change was permanent. I really don't think I had a future with the OM".
What got me to win over the OM was a CONSISTENT demonstration that I had changed - but really in that I changed back to the person she fell in love with in the first place. I GAL'd my arse off - I lost 35 lbs, rekindled my love of outdoor activities, found a way to channel my stress (mostly from the gym). I FOCUSED intently on my kids and fostering the love I have for them (and they for I).
I COMPLETELY accepted that my M was probably over and it was time to start living my life - for my own happiness and sanity - for ME. Through that, I became a far better choice over the OM (he would complain he was going nowhere in life, was grumpy and crabby). At first, she was intensely attracted to him and his jerky ways. BUT, over time, *I* emerged as the leader - taking charge of my life and where I was going - regardless of whether she wanted to come along or not.
This came after many an evening at the gym, or a coffee shop where I laid out my plan to take my life back. I did NOT engage in R discussions with her unless it was in a counselling session. I was also guarded with what I told her I was doing. My time was my time (and this drove her crazy). I wasn't going to let her insecurities rule my life. She made the choice to divorce me, so I found it important to just move on.
Look, I'm not saying I'm the best at this at all - but having her "wavering" at all is a good thing. If you want some light reading, I'll propose pouring over a few of my threads, Grasshopper's threads and even Frank_D's (probably one of the best) and most closely relates to your sitch.
Hope that helps somehow,
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
