Wow, there's a blast from the past! Long time no post NM. Sorry to hear things really haven't moved very much in your sitch....you've got a real bugger on your hands. Maybe we can stand in line with BI's frying pan?? But, as usual, through it all, you seem to be doing very well.
I would be interested in checking out your blog once you get it up and running.....let us have the link!
Its good to hear from you again. Take care,
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Didn't think I had been gone THAT long...lol. Time sure flies when you're having FUN! lol
Ok...if I've done this right....here's the blog . Please remember, it's a work in process, complete with swear words and anti-db material!! But it's my place, so I can do what I want! LOL
Quote: Time sure flies when you're having FUN! lol
Ain't that the truth! Its been almost a year and a half with my sitch (YIKES!), but I guess the good news for me is that, at least from what I can tell, OM isn't a factor anymore. Just have a whole host of other issues to deal with....
I'm gonna check out your site and made crude comments! LOL
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Well, guys, haven't been here in a while....been the same old, same old. Until yesterday.
SO has finally snapped. It started a few days ago....once again, we're back to him throwing me out...OW wanting to marry him...We were arguing about everything and during the argument I mentioned I had heard something about her awhile ago...he insisted on me telling him what I heard - I refused. I told him I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know if it was true or just rumor.
From what I can gather, OW was trying to get him to stop bothering her unless he was serious about marrying her. He, in his obsessive way, continued emailing, calling, texting her - in his usual cycle. Starting out nice, then nasty, mean, & threatening.
Yesterday, the police called again, leaving a message telling him he's not have any contact with her. He says it was all because I wouldn't tell him what I heard.
When he spoke to the police officer, he told the officer he was going to kill himself...and supposedly the cop said "Do It". When he got off the phone he told me to take the kids and leave. That he was going to end everything after we left. I refused to leave, telling him I would not leave him in the state he was in, not caring if he hated me because of it. I asked him if there was someone he wanted me to call because I would not leave him by himself. He said no and that if I didn't leave he was. I refused to go, so he took 3 or 4 vicodin, putting the bottle in his pocket. He went downstairs and got his muscle car out of the garage. I knew this was serious and went downstairs. I mena, this car can't be out on snowy roads - the pills, everything. He took off....he did continue to call me. Saying he took more pills, crying, asking me to call the OW. I actually acquiesied -it meant more to me to have him alive...I called her cell but it wouldn't let me leave a message. I told him that...then he asked me to call her mother. I refused. I said it would only make matters worse.
Somewhere in there, the state troopers showed up. The cop told me it was because SO had sent a text to OW saying he was going to kill himself. He took all the info and an APB was put out for him in 4 counties. While the cop was here, SO called me and I told him they were looking for him...he said they'd never find him and he was in a cemetary; in the meantime, a mutual friend and I were in contact and she was out looking for him....SO spoke with the officer, crying, hhysterical, telling the cop not to look for him becasue then he would take the car and make them chase him.
Eventually, mutual friend found him...he had also called both his mother and father....kept calling me, yelling at me blaming me for all of this - somehow he was finally talked into coming back home. The police kept calling here to see if he had returned, once he returned I had to call them to tell them. Then, they came to the house and took him to a hospital.
Which is where he is now. The hospital called around 4, telling me he has agreed to admit himself. SO also kept calling me during the night - yelling at me, vile and mean - I finally ended up taking the phone off the hook, but awoke to numerous nasty text messages.
His mom came here this morning and has since left to go to the hospital.
This is a freaking nightmare but I'm relieved he's maybe going to get some help.
OMG NM, what a nightmare straight out of hell! I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. But bless you for doing the right thing and hopefully now he'll be able to get some help on the path to stability and maybe get his life back on track. Obviously he has more problems than just OW.
You have been a redwood through all of this, standing up to so many obstacles. I don't know how you do it, but you do...and I applaud you for it. Wish I could offer more....keep posting.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
...of course, there's so much more to the story, but due to network time constraints, lol, I needed to give the abbreviated version.
Well, his mom just called from the hospital and he won't stay there. So, once the doctor releases him she's bringing him here to get some things and then taking him to her house. His father is also on the way to make sure everything stays calm while he gets his things.
I'm so distraught, I guess is the word. I can't help but wonder just how much of this is really my fault. Intellectually I know that it's HIS problems that led to this, but just how much has my presence (?) caused all of this. I feel like running away...just leaving. But I can't. Not financially. Plus the kids...school, etc. I can't just take off - it's simply not realistic. But how much more damage is going to occur because I am here when SO doesn't know if he wants me here? And does thinking this way make me selfish? How come I feel so bad about all of this? How come I feel like the guilty party? I don't understand. The problems he has are so much deeper than I can deal with. Or anyone except a professional can deal with.
I feel guilty telling people what's going on. Like his parents. I know it will infuriate SO when he finds out they know his dirty secrets. But I can't keep it inside anymore. The craziness; the manipulations; the lies. I love him enough to walk away. Does that make sense? But there's the financial part of it. THERE'S NO MONEY!!! And that's a such big part of this mess. He feels stuck with me....he's got work his a$$ off to pay for everything.....he despises me because he can't get rid of me; yet he's not entirely sure that me leaving is what he truly wants either. He doesn't know what he wants. And if he truly has a personality disorder, which I believe he does, the whole thing gets so much more complicated.
I hate this so bad. He just called and was nice as pie. I have no idea what to do and can't help thinking how much worse I make things by not knowing what to do.
I guess you would be distraught, but I happen to think that you seem to be taking a lot of unnecessary guilt upon yourself here. How much of this is your fault?? In my humble opinion. None. You are the one who has remained grounded here. Its unfortunately his own actions that have led to these consequences. If the pressure of being with you and wanting her is too much, then why couldn't he leave? If his life is that out of control, then he A) really needs more help than you can give him and B) needs to make his own choices about his life.
sorry if this seems harsh, but, my goodness dear. I hate to see you beating yourself up for the actions of another. Its not your fault, you know that. In essence, he is going to have to "man" up at some point and decide either he wants to be with you or make a way to be without you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you and SO now. The best thing you can do for everyone is to NOT personalize it, do NOT make it about YOU. It is not about you. You can be more help for him, yourself, and your family if you recognize this so that you can operate without worrying about what all this means about you. Jerking your kids around isn't going to help anyone.
Have you considered consulting with someone to see if he can be committed for awhile? I cannot believe that they are willing to release him after his self-destructive behavior has clearly endangered others.
Rob, OT - thanks for your input. What a stressful week. Where'd I leave off...oh yeah, the cops took him to the psych ward. The hospital called me and said that he was willingly admitting himself and that he wouldn't be there long. His mother went there the next day (Wednesday)....he called numerous times during the day...then said he was getting out that day. From what I've found out, his release was conditional upon him making appointments with a therapist, which he has. I believe that if he misses the appointments, they will put him back in the hospital. His first appointment is scheduled for today.
Then, on top of that, the OW has filed charges against him. Thursday the cops called here and said there was a warrant for his arrest and he had to turn himself in, which he did that afternoon. She got a restraining order against him and there's 2 different charges, stalking and harassment, I believe. Fine mess he's got himself into.
Over the weekend, he had his usual bar gigs, including one here in our town Saturday night. He asked me to go with him. I had asked his mother to watch the girls so I could have some time off and was going to stay at my sisters, but decided to come back because his request was odd. So, I went with him. Some other friends of his were there as well. When we got home, he thanked me profusely for going with him - telling me he really needed me with him. (Not sure why, he was working and we didn't really hang out or anything)..but then he started opening a little to me. Some info about OW, then he showed me an email from the ex-girlfriend (from before me) that says while although she's married, she thinks of him often and "what if" she hadn't gotten married. Jeeze Louise, more fuel on the fire.
I know SO's problems are a lot more than "simply" OW...it's a complicated mess of financial issues, mental issues; health issues; kids,, family, work; me...etc. This isn't just about "her" - although right now his mind is manifested on that "one" thing and blowing it up out of proportion and it's what he's fixated on. It's the way his mind works - it doesn't matter what his "real" feelings are - it's more that she told him "no" and now his mind focuses on that. I hope I explained that the right way.
The talk we had was a very good one, I felt. He opened up a lot about a lot of things. I'm trying to just be a friend right now....sometimes I really can DETACH from it all, put my personal feelings aside and try to be a good friend because this is about HIM right now and not our relationship or it's outcome. Well, I guess in a way, that's part of it, but, it's not the crisis point right now. Getting him help is the first objective. It's hard, you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make him drink. My hope is that he's honest with the therapist and not just going to coast through this because it's "required" to keep him out of the hospital.
And, honestly, it does take it's toll on me. I was real worried about him yesterday. He was very, well, lethargic is the best word I can think of. It probably has a lot to do with the pills he's on, but, I have to wonder if being THAT sedated is a good thing.
Well, there certainly little doubt that his problems transcend the OW and/or his relationship with you. In some way, I realy hope that his current problems serve as some sort of reality check and push him to seek the help that he desparately needs. Hopefully he'll catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror and recognize that treatment isn't just about skipping a stay in the psych ward, but a path to a better life for him. Unfortunately, as I've learned from my own experience, sometimes even the thirsty horse still resists drinking.
How stressful for you and the kids though! Seems to me that you could use a vacation :-)
Quote:
but, I have to wonder if being THAT sedated is a good thing.
Hmmm, as it related to me, I'm not so sure its a bad thing
Keep posting, its good to hear from you again.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
lol
