We didn't go to MC in Jan, instead BB wanted to keep our promise to stuff envelopes, which we had signed up for before the MC called with his next open time, so maybe Feb might be a go.
BB is still friendlier than 6 months ago but still has some days where she thinks I do things to upset her out of my lack of caring about her needs, wishes, and wants.
An examples is, I don't turn on the light at night when I go to the bathroom, the dog walks in front of me, I almost step on the dog and someone make some noise in the process. BB thinks I am too lazy to turn on the light, but I didn't turn on the light because it disturbs her. Looks like a double lose.
Problem solved. No more getting up w/o turning on a light.
I felt I had to explain why I do things, based on past reactions she has had. I asked why she sees things so differently and often as her being the victim or me doing things to supposedly do to PO her.
I didn't say anything twice or explain things further or try to justify why I was right or why she was wrong. Hay, maybe I am getting better.
On another note, I did like the YouTube video about Deida. It reminded me of the "Dog whisper’s" policy, to own the space you occupy and control it by not letting the OP run over you.
I am still in a place of not asking for much but what I do ask for, I pursue with more determination. Like Lil and others have said or implied in other posts, sometimes not asking or expecting is the way to go.
There is a belief that if you want something picture yourself already possessing the thing or picture yourself reaching the goal, IE own it before you have it.
Well, doing that means I will likely have something I want, but when I don’t get what I want, then mentally, I have to give back what I wanted, return it, and that is sort of like winning a prize but the prize giver saying “sorry it was almost yours but something changed, not today. Better luck next time.”
I guess I don’t like to give up something I thought I had or what I thought I could count on. It is sort like having a Hershey bar in the pantry but not being allowed to eat it. For me, it is less frustrating not to even have the Hershey bar in the house..
An examples is, I don't turn on the light at night when I go to the bathroom, the dog walks in front of me, I almost step on the dog and someone make some noise in the process. BB thinks I am too lazy to turn on the light, but I didn't turn on the light because it disturbs her. Looks like a double lose.
Problem solved. No more getting up w/o turning on a light.
The problem is that you are trying to please her rather than just being the naturally courteous man that you are. Subtle difference but very important. I think BF would advise you to just say "Hush woman and go back to sleep.". I would advise you just to think it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think BF would advise you to just say "Hush woman and go back to sleep.". Good point MJ, and I think you are right on track. I need to remember the “Dog Whisper’s” favorite gentle and calming expression “shhh”
Maybe what I wanted to convey in my previous post, was that some/many of my interactions with BB seem to result in her coming from a point she is some how getting the short end of a deal, so she semi-automatically goes into some mind set, that I am taking something away from her, she will not get her fair share, or she has to protect herself.
I would like for BB to get past of some of that ?one-down type? mind-set, but I know I can't force her to see that I try to be fair/considerate in my interactions with her most of the time. I know I can mostly work on myself.
BB and I were watching the TV program "Talk Sex With Sue" and a caller was asking a question about regular/ordinary oral sex on the female.
I asked BB a related question and she came up with the idea guys do oral sex on the gal because the guy likes the smell of the gals Vulva. I said guys want to give their gal pleasure and want to help her have fun.
BB: No, the guy just does that be cause it satisfies some sick need he has. Why do people want to anything other than penis in vagina sex.
Lou: If I preformed oral sex on you it would be because I wanted to see you have pleasure, not to smell your Vulva or your butt.
Lou: I don't think I am that different from other guys wanting their gal to have good sexual experiences. It's about the gals pleasure, not a guy smelling something.
My frustration or problem is when I say that is my truth, but she doesn't appear to accept it as the truth or that she sees men in general, pursuant to her mental set of made-up ideas.
She doesn't see the need/ reasons behind a guy doing manual stimulation on gals either.
Point #1 I know most of this is lack of interests on her part, some of this is testing, and some of it is also her talking about what she feels is reality per her thoughts/experiences.
Question /opinion#1, I think I just have to say what are my true feelings and let her have her opinions.
Question/opinion #2 Is there any truth to any guys doing it for the smell or some other strange reason?
I suppose some of BB's resistance to what I have to offer is mostly related to her LDness and backing up her thoughts about men being mostly interested in their own pleasure.
Some guys like to get pee'd on or defecated on, so smelling is not too far-fetched.
She is just deflecting, my W does the same thing. She refuses oral and says manual stimulation makes her feel like an immature teenager that doesn't know what to do (presumably inferring that intercourse is the only REAL form of sex, just like BB is stating).
How do you think BB would respond if instead of saying "I want to do it to pleasure you" to "It would be a real turn on to me to see you getting all hot and bothered by it." How do you really feel about it?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Oh Lou, the only good thing about hitting your head continuously against a brick wall is that it feels so good when you stop. I can see OGHairdog and OGMs.Hdog, years from now, having the same convo as you and BB, except, perhaps that we'd be watching the "Talk Sex with Brittany" or some other hostess. My W would say the same thing, in the same, "how disgusting" manner. She'd never believe me when I'd tell her about how pleasing a woman or seeing a woman writhe in pleasure is enough reward for a man.
And then, I'd wonder why I even bother watching such a show on TV with her. I'd switch the channel (by the power of my cerebral implant, of course) to the "Cyberdog Whisperer", which really was more relevant, anyway, considering it's about robotic b!tches.
"It would be a real turn on to me to see you getting all hot and bothered by it." That is how i feel. It would be a turn on for me to see her get some pleasure out of something sexual.
She claims, the most pleasure I can give her is to play with her hair and rub her back.
At one time she would have been hot for me to play with her clit and related area, but that was before 1981.
right now it would be an improvement if she said, "Yes, I understand you want to see me have pleasure, but right now I don't feel much pleasure from sexual things but I still like the physical closeness.
Maybe, in her own way, that is what she does say minus the fact she doesnt see that I do want to do things to get her excited for her and my benefit.
How do you really feel about it? I would like to find something sexual that gave her some degree of sexual pleasure. It would feel like what we were doing together, was something that gave us both a buzz and was some form of an emotional connection builder.
Some guys like to get pee'd on or defecated on, so smelling is not too far-fetched. The first one wouldn't bother me, its relative sterile but the deficating isn't even in the picture. Too many e-coli etc and the smell is gross.
(presumably inferring that intercourse is the only REAL form of sex, just like BB is stating.. Same here.
Problem if regular ses isnt something she likes, most other stuff is also off the list.
"how disgusting" manner Same quotes are said in our house.
I will separate/differentiate our situation some from the rest of the younger posters.
I has my back surgery in 1981 and couldn't do much for several month. That is when BB lost the most interest in sex, BB had a hysterectomy in the early 80's but went on HRT which helped make-up for lost hormones. Then in about 1997 BB had breast cancer and had half the tissue of one breast removed and took tamoxifen, which is a sex-drive killer, for 5 years.
Her attitude about sex was “not that interested” but she would have sex with me once a week to 10 days. I got used to gift sex or what some people call mercy sex. If that is all she could muster up, I guess that is what I had to accept as the new gold standard.
Around Aug of this year, she didn't want much body contact and said penetration was becoming uncomfortable and my juices burned.
I sort of gave up wanting sex because of all the problems that keep cropping up. If you remember the UTI issues, and all that I did to help solve those and other issues. the pain/uncomfortableness and her not wanting my body next to hers, it was almost too much for me to solve that problem.
In Dec, I decided if I helped her solve this new pain problem, was it solvable, and if remedied some what was going to be the next problem.
At some point, the past problems just get to a point of me feeling like what BB is feeling or experiencing is not something I can help her with anymore.
I tried to be content w/o sex. I tried to give up on the idea that anything physical between us would bring her joy or pleasure. I decided maybe it is time to sleep in separate bedrooms like she seem to be saying all along.
I say all of this because our or BB's problems are more than just feeling LD?ND. Some of the problems are age and physical related. I grant her that courtesy out of trying to respect her beliefs and from reading other women's posts in similar circumstances. I still wondered how much of the LD/ND was emotional, not physical.
Anyway, that is why I think our situation is different than HD's or other women that mostly tend to have the mindset that sex is for the man's pleasure and women are being somehow put down as some ultra feminist suggest.
What is happening now: With me withdrawing, which I don't like, after several weeks, BB has been friendlier and asked why I have not been initiating. I told her, knowing it was uncomfortable for her, I didn't want to be the cause of some future resentment from the current discomfort she might experience, when we had sex.
I asked if more foreplay would help. She said only hormones would help and that if I insisted, she would take them. She said it sarcastically, she would risk getting breast cancer again but indicated it would be my fault if she did.
A couple of days ago she decided she wanted to have sex soon, wouldn't give me any clues as to what would make it more comfortable for her, Yes I asked several times but got the usual "nothing" or she didn't know.
So soon, I will say lets go to bed an hour early, start off with some foot rubs while watching TV, then some PBTS activities in the bedroom, then the real thing for as long as I sense she can feel comfortable or she tells me it's about time to end the LM.
I will say, the last week or so I have spoken my thoughts to BB and did so w/o being apprehensive with what she was gong to say or how she was going to act.
I will treat her with respect and negotiate, but I won't let her put me down with things like her saying I want to give her oral sex because I like smelling her crack. That is so much BS to me it deserves one answer. She has it all wrong.
Being co-operative, easy going is something like being the beta male, not that attractive to BB I suppose. It is something like male PMS. That is Passive Male Syndrome, doesn’t do anything for BB.
I am sorry for your pain. I know this has got to be wearing on your patience.
I have some suggested actions for you.
First off, go buy a nice fitted suit. Spend the money for a nice one.
Find a dance club in your area. Sign up for lessons. Show up for dances by yourself if you have to. There will be some single women looking for a dance partner.
On the day of the first lesson, tell your wife that you have signed up. Don't give her any more notice than 24 hours. Ask her if she would like to come along. If she declines, then you go anyway.
Your wife has told you that other women wouldn't be interested in you. Let me tell you something; working, capable, and sexual men at your age are in high demand. If she doesn't know this, it is time to educate her by example.
I suspect, that just as she knows that the oral claim was bogus, she knows that you are an attractive man to a lot of women.
Get out from under her. Stop chasing her. Grab your hat and suit, go out and just have a look for yourself at how many single women your age and younger are interested. Make some new friends. Socialize. Go to the gym.
Let your wife chase you for a while.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Feb might be a go.