...of course, there's so much more to the story, but due to network time constraints, lol, I needed to give the abbreviated version.
Well, his mom just called from the hospital and he won't stay there. So, once the doctor releases him she's bringing him here to get some things and then taking him to her house. His father is also on the way to make sure everything stays calm while he gets his things.
I'm so distraught, I guess is the word. I can't help but wonder just how much of this is really my fault. Intellectually I know that it's HIS problems that led to this, but just how much has my presence (?) caused all of this. I feel like running away...just leaving. But I can't. Not financially. Plus the kids...school, etc. I can't just take off - it's simply not realistic. But how much more damage is going to occur because I am here when SO doesn't know if he wants me here? And does thinking this way make me selfish? How come I feel so bad about all of this? How come I feel like the guilty party? I don't understand. The problems he has are so much deeper than I can deal with. Or anyone except a professional can deal with.
I feel guilty telling people what's going on. Like his parents. I know it will infuriate SO when he finds out they know his dirty secrets. But I can't keep it inside anymore. The craziness; the manipulations; the lies. I love him enough to walk away. Does that make sense? But there's the financial part of it. THERE'S NO MONEY!!! And that's a such big part of this mess. He feels stuck with me....he's got work his a$$ off to pay for everything.....he despises me because he can't get rid of me; yet he's not entirely sure that me leaving is what he truly wants either. He doesn't know what he wants. And if he truly has a personality disorder, which I believe he does, the whole thing gets so much more complicated.
I hate this so bad. He just called and was nice as pie. I have no idea what to do and can't help thinking how much worse I make things by not knowing what to do.
