I am feeling just I dunno ,,, plus it is very , very cold outside today and I feel ugly and un attractive. All in my head by the way cause I am a good person but with ths cabin fever and my daughter being sick since Friday,, I am feeling like I need to escape from myself. I had started working out last week and it felt so good but then my daugther got sick so it has been 4 days and no gym. yeah boo hoo I am feeling sorry for myself,, I do notice that when I go to the gym my mood seems to improve and I feel strong.
...also I have been talking to my h daily ( he is Mexico with his parents) and once again he seems to be doing great and he does call me but he seems to be holding back and it scares but at the same time he needs to find out for himself where he stands and I keep saying ILY and being loving and he can be dry,, but his actions speak louder than words!!!! The other nite he called me twice @ 1:45 am on the Home phone and I never heard it cause he has not called me at that time in a long time and so the phone was in the kithchen,, and he calls alot more than he has in the past when he has gone to Mexico,, but he is stingy with the ILY's and just being sweet with words,,,
.....he knows words of affirmation are my love language so I do believe he does it on purpose and I do not know if it is to intentionally be mean or he is just "trying" to prove some sort of point. ir forces me to face my fears and it forces me to wonder am I loving him and he doesnt love me with the same passion? I know he loves me but why does he seem to feel the need to play a game? It hurst to think that if after all I have accepted and forgiven that he still needs me to prove my love,,, I am for sure a lot confusd as hard as I try I cannot figure this pout and why he is doing this,, the other day he put his Nephew on the phone and told him to say hi to your Aunt and the little boy said " HI AUNT",, in Spanish.
He is @ 2 years old and his MOM is my H's Sister ( who if you remember is the OW"s best friend) and she told him to say ILY in Spanish to me and I got teared up when the little boy said this,,, mind you he has never met me and my SIL has not been very nice to me in the past.......
I dunno I am connnnnfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuused and maybe I am just being too scared and reading to much into his dryness,,,,,
We have been reconciled for about 6 months and I just hope that I can keep working on me and changing this for the better. I got an old Oprah Magazine at the Thrift store the other day,, one of my fun things I like to do( I LOVE to find great stuff for practically nothingB. And there is an Author in there and I will have to post his name later and he I guess also believes in the notion that one person in the R can change it,, I really want to get his Book and read it too. I am still so humbled and grateful for this Forum and the book DR,, it saved My life really and I will not soon forget. God bless....
Wow my H just let it all out and he sid that he is still giving too much and he feels like I am not giving anything again and that he is very sad for our relationship.
I cried and cried and cried some more and now I feel like I have to go to the drawing board again. Like I have just turned back into my old insecure self and he will soon be done with me for good.
I know he deeply loves me but somewhere I am just missing the d*mn point completely and I feel so apprehensive. I feel like if I do not get this right he will end up hurt and so will I. He seems to be in alot of emotional pain and it is all from me not showing him how I feel about him and just being like I used to be and not changing he says.That he is tired of giving and not receiving ,, I am really scared. I am terified and not of him leaving really but of him living in sadness and us just not getting it right. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy and like I said I just am missing something and If I could just make it work things would be so much brighter. I need to really focus again and yet I feel very overwhelmed like he expects me to have some Magic Wand. I want to fix this to change it to make it pretty and new and for him to feel loved and I am scared I will fall short and he will remain unhappy.
??????? Wow,, I feel like I am going to have to for sure start over. God bless....
My h says he would be a hypocrite to tel me he loves me and that i am a hypocrite for saying it cause i do not show it and that I am truly an ignorant person and that for me not to see that he loves me and shows me by leaving and working, it his is his way and that for me to need to hear ILY is stupid and rididculous and he will not say it cause our R is not that good. I explained to him that he loves with conditions and you know what I do not. I explained I would love him whether he could make love to me or buy gifts like he likes too or if he was x,y or z,, come what may that my love for him would never die.
I have been calling him cause I miss him and he has been very dry and this morning before he blew up he was in a great mood.
I now see that I need to stop calling and maybe even stop loving him. I dunno if I can stop loving him but he is feeling like I am a hypocrite and that my needs are stupid but he needs for me to set out his clothes to see that I love him,, ? he says I never show him I love him and I was trying hard but I guess it was not enough,, I am not sure if i can deal with this pain of being loved and then pushed away and then shoved away and then loved some more anymore,,, I feel as though I am not selfish and he says that he has worked hard to provide for me and "buy " me all these things and you know what all I ever wanted was HIM. To me he is more precious than all those things and I guess we always cannot get what we want,, I have a nice car and a nice necklace but what I wanted most of all his love I never got and funny thing I never asked for any GIfts but I always asked and begged for his love and I am left with my hands open and waiting and he tells me that until I give him what he needs from me he will not give me what I need,, he hasnt seen the love yet.....
he has not SAID THE D WORD BUT MY HEART IS BROKEN AND I WILL HAVE TO RECOVER IT SOME HOW.
I explained when he pushes me away to make me show him my love more it makes me scared and I hide more..........
I am feeling so sad and so lost and the tears willnot stop I have been crying for an hour straight,, love is not supposed to hurt this much and I love him still and yet i need to be free of the pain,, I will have to find my way but for now I feel lost again just like when he dropped the bomb,, I have to scramble and pick up the pieces cause he is ired of giving and he does not want to care anymore he is just tired of never getting anything.....
I dunno if I can handle much more pain and still keep coming back for more,, I do not want t o cause him pain and yet he cannot see that by pushing me away when he says he needs me so much makes no sense....
God please help me I am so scared and I have no time to be scared.
I dunno which way to turn or what to do,, I dunno if my pain will subside if it will get worse abd if I can again be a ROCK,, I realize I am not prfect bu my H needs so much from me and I know That I need to just let go and give and yet I must still be holding back,,, I know I am I am always waiting for him to leave and even though we love eachother it holds no guarantees. I know how much I love him and I love him so , so much but it all stays inside and I need to let it out and let him know,,,, why cant I just get this right? It seems to elude me,, it feels good for awhile and then bam it feels like I was falling short and I feel sad,, like I am letting the Man I love down and hurting him,, and it is never done with that in mind. I feel so scared that I wil keep my heart locked up and never ever let him in. WE both have a lock and key on our hearts and all we want is to be loved by the other.
This is not the first time he tells me and others in my life tell me I always seem to be very loving but at the same time I am guarded cause I fear the HURT. How do I show him I love and adore him when I am up here and he is so far away in Mexico,,, ( he says he left cause he was in to much pain and I was not giving him what he needed and when I do he will then give me too what I need). he told me he was going to see his DAD and was being super sweet and calling me constantly on his trip down there,, I feel as though he is still lost and when he is with his Family the first few days he hardly calls , I have noticed that for him it is hard for him to be alone.. I do not mind if he does not call but he goes from blowing up the phone and calling to not even calling to say hey I have arrived and I am safe I will phone you soon. I would be fine with that .... I love him and want for him to be happy but he is also I feel putting on me the task of fully making him Happy like he has no say and it is all up to me,, I feel he is hard on me and yet I know I put up a wall sometimes and he keeps it there by threatening to leave or saying he is not looking for anyone or anything he is tired of that,, mind you we have been married for 10 years,, when did he get tired of looking for other women? I think just this year b/c for plenty of years he seemed to be actively looking for OW and at the same time he wanted my self esteem to be so high while he would be unfaithful.
WOW,, I still have alot of stuff to leave behind.....
I am sweet, and nice on the phone,, I tell him I miss him and that I love him and that I wish he was here. I also tell him I am very proud of him and that I hope he is having a great time.
I will keep Journalling here just to let this out and keep trying to get this right. I am terrified he will tell me he has had enough,, but in my heart I do feel he loves me he is just feeling sad and like I do not love him which must be very painful,, I always tell him I love him but he says I never show him so I am being a hypocrite for saying it......?????
I feel so lost I feel like I am not enough for him and I also feel like he is very depressed,, I have felt that for years but he insists it is all b/c of me and the pain I cause him....... God bless....
I try not to think about you and yet I keep you in my mind it is burning me up and taking over all my time.I love you so much but you want to push me away,, I love you and always have and yet you seem to keep your heart under lock in key and yes then I keep mine safe. I am starting to remember that when I met you I was scared but then you were so d*mn beautiful,, I let go and loved you and just knew that you were the one. I wasnt scared to show you me, show you my hurt, show you my scars ,show you me and you seemed to love me the same .....you were so in love with me and we were so in love and I miss you and I miss the fun we used to have when everything wasnt so damn hard ,
I miss your beautiful smile and I just plain miss you and who you are,, I know you are under all that, but you would rather stay where it is safe instead of come out and play with me.I have missed you for a long time and I had the old you back for a short stay when we got back together,, why cant you just let go and let my love in your heart? Why do you hide? I want you and I need you to but you are always pushing me away. Am I that hurtful to you that you need to protect yourself? I fell in love with you and it does not go away,, the pain is there and I persevere, I know we can have something so precious so beautiful but something is missing,, you feel sad and like I do not love you. I pray God will help me to help you , but if you do not love yourself I can not do much baby.You are like a little boy lost and in so much pain that it comes to the surface and you just keep pushing it back down instead of letting it out. I am trying like h*ll to fill in the blanks ,, if you could only see in my heart and know the way I love you.. I hope to show you before it is too late and we both lose what could be so so so very Beautiful. I have always loved you and yet you do not know,,, how sad. All my blessings to you and your heart and your Happiness,, WOW I need to show you me.... LOVE is not supposed to be this hard is it? GOD bless....
I just read in a magazine an article /// by DR PHIL. And well love him or hate him he does make sense most of the time. I love him my brother hates him... anyway. ..."If you WANT a better marriage be a better partner..." PLAIN AND SIMPLE,, yes I know that is what I have known all along and what DB has taught me but also it helps me to keep going knowing if I can put a spin on this more and just give and give and give some more,, maybe just maybe my H will take my lead and soften up some and break down his wall. So if I want a beTter H then I need to get back out my DR book and start journalling more and also start my weekly goal list or at least monthly goal list again and become a better Wife. Breaking myself and down and looking at myself under a microscope again and replacing all my bad behaviors with good ones one at a time,, gives me alot to do.. cause I know better than anyone that I do have a wall up too just in case he hurts me again and so I guess I need to tear it down even if it means being even more vulnerable.. I have alot of work to do cause my fear leads me to alot of self defeating behavior and alot of mind wandering,,, and still the OW..///... BS filling my head with BS. I want that to change to and it will start now.....
I need to really take this seriously like I would anything else and really buckle down and get to work. I will be posting much more just to keep myself in order and keep my emotions recorded. I just love this place and I will keep trying and give up when the fat lady sings and not a moment before... Wish me luck!!!!! GOD BLESS...
yes today is an all time low,, my wonderful heart palpitations are back and i am feeling stressed and my heart is in the right place but my mind will not stop and I am reading inbetween housework and trying to keep busy but I am failing Miserably.. dunno where all the strength I was feeling at the tail end of my seperation is...??? help. God bless....
I want to be strong and let go and I am just stuck and it is frusrating me so and I need to move past this and get going again.... I just seem stuck/stagnant/sad/depressed/ugly/hurt/afraid/terrified/like I cannot do this right and I am going to fail. Why am I here feeling like this when just a few weeks ago I was feeling stuck but knew I could make it better by working hard,, I feel up against a wall and I do not like it. WOW I feel miserable in my own skin. Yuck again. I cant get started and I am just plain not even enjoying myself and my heart actually hurts and has been racing all morning,, even after talking to hubby this morning in Mexico I am still stuck,, yuck. God help me. I want to feel whole again and just be happy that I am alive and feel blessed again just b/c I am alive .. Please help me GOD. This anxiety is how I felt just before my h dropped the bomb last time , I am truly for what its worth terrified and it is swallowing me whole,,, wow God bless... God bless...
I know I need to wake up and put you before me and love you and stop holding back but I nver do ,, I am always acting guarded around you and smiling thru the pain I am trying so hard to puish it out and at the same time I hold onto it for dear life and it is eatng me alive.... I want to love you to wake up in the morning and just be and hug and kiss you like you are my partner for life and then the fear just holds me back I stans still and do nothing but profess my great love for you. It is there in my heart but you can not feel it....
and I am hurting you everyday making you feel so ugly,, when to me you are so beautiful,, how do I stop?
I am so scared I wil never get this right and you will never feel the beautiful love I feel for you,, and you will leave with your heart still hurt ..... you also never let me in too afraid for me to keep being scared and NEVER start showing you my love,, I alwasys hold back and tell myself I wil not do that and then when you are in front of me for one day I let you feel it and then I go back into my cave and wait for you to magically feel all the love I have for you..
Why oh why do I keep it all inside when I love you so much and want you to feel me?
Quote: My H says that I do not show him I love him and by that he means physical touch and ML.. while we are intimate he says he does not ever feel me present except for when ... Ive had a few drinks....
Here's how I feel about W not being able to be intimate. I feel like I have a disease, like I'm not good enough for her, like there's something wrong with me, like she does'nt like me or love me, like I'm shackeled and stuck in a cage that I can't get out of. It makes me want to D her, and go find a woman that'll want to have sex with me. A woman that enjoy's a good orgasm, and isn't afraid to show it. You see, one of the biggest turn on's for a guy, is a woman who's turned on. It's not a porno kind of thing, it's a sharing of the love thing. It's a communication that is deep and very hard to describe, but it lets us guys know that we are needed, loved, and appreciated, like a warm piece of fresh baked apple pie. We come away with the satisfaction of knowing that our woman just recieved the fullest of the love we can possibly deliver.
Being refused good sex is the ultimate rejection. It's like a kid pouring his soul into a work of art, or writing beautiful story, and being super excited to show it to his mom, only to find mom uninterested or not even care to see it. Makes you just want to tear it up and throw it away.
Personally, it's the cruelest thing I've ever had to face. I'd much rather have her be rude, ugly, short tempered, air headed, etc. Just about anything but frigid. IMHO, if you want to stay M, and you don't want H to go find OW, then enjoy a nice glass of wine every evening, and then enjoy a good poke from your H! Now that's livin lady! Quote: I will admit that I try so very hard not to think about anything ( the OW the past and my insecurities) but showing him the great love I have for him and yet I seem to fall short and if you remember he has her name tattoed on his chest,, so I thought I was giving im the best of me and hiding the rest but he clearly feels my guardedness,,, Well I'm sure I'd feel a little weird seeing OW name on him, but it's just sex OK? He made a dumb mistake with the tatoo. Just enjoy the sex! Cut loose and give that man, and yourself, the sex of a lifetime. Then call my W and tell her how she ought to do the same for her H.
Sex should not get mixed up in personal differences. It should be like brushing your teeth, you do it every day no matter if you're mad or sad or whatever. Don't get it mixed up with all the other confusing emotions that are runnin around. Just have a glass of wine, dance naked in front of the mirror, whatever you need to get you a little warm, and then give that man the whole of you! Teach him how to bring you to climax like only YOU know how to climax and scream outloud how good it feels.
It's a blessing from God to you and your H. Keeping your H from good sex, is keeping him from one of the greatest blessings that God has given a M.
To hell with the OW, that's over and done with. This is your opportunity to show your man that you're better than that OW could ever be. You want to mope around feeling sorry for yourself and witholding your gifts then so be it. Be a slave to your feelings and see how far that gets you.
I suggest it's time you teach your man a lesson, right there under the covers.
,,, plus it is very , very cold outside today and I feel ugly and un attractive. All in my head by the way cause I am a good person but with ths cabin fever and my daughter being sick since Friday,, I am feeling like I need to escape from myself.