You have posted before - way back when. I thanked you for it then, and I'm thanking you now. Man, it's been a long road for both of us. I appreciate you giving me some insight as to what's around the bend.
Yeah, the OM thing is a recurrent thorn in my side. It is VERY strange to hear about how you W feels about her OM, because it works very much the same way with my own. On at least four or five occasions, my W has gone into exhaustive detail about what a disaster her OM is. I mean exhaustive. The way she describes it, the psychologists of the world would have a field day just trying to classify everything that's out of kilter with this character. Or at least that what she tells me, and I'm assuming that's partly going on what he tells her. I do think that he invents problems to gain her sympathy (the woe is me routine), but there is some weird crap (most troublingly having to do with his attitudes toward incest, for example) that no-one would just throw about about themselves to gain a shoulder to cry on.
And my W still has a soft spot for him. Even after she's told me she recognizes that he tries to make her feel responsible for him and his plentitude of mental aberrations.
I know what you mean about the OM "being there in her hour of need" too, and how that might contribute to the attraction: my W was very unhappy, nearly suicidal, and OM was there at the end of the line with all sorts of psychological/"spiritual growth" advice, a good deal of which had to do with getting away from a "horrible, damaging" marriage.
It doesn't take much to reignite this feeling, either. During counseling, she was communicating with him all the time, then called it off at least twice. (Small wonder counseling didn't accomplish much for the marriage.) He always got her back by sending carefully chosen gifts that were likely to call for at least a thread of gratitude. Once that feeling started up (I could see it in the way she'd refer to him, or in the fact that she referred to him at all), it was just a matter of time before the whole thing was up and running again.
Now, for detaching, I'm working on it. Your point about understanding what she's going through speaks to this. I'm sure you're right: as lousy as this is for me, she's being jerked around in at least two different ways. The less I feel like I can influence what happens (although I think that we DO have an influence that a simple attitude of "detachment" doesn't address), the more I can empathize with what she's feeling, and vice-versa. They build on each other.
That helps with my judgmental attitudes. I still think this OM is a filthy sort of opportunist, and I genuinely despise him, but I'm not standing out there waiting to cast the first stone, as tempting as it is. I get angry about my W, but for the most part, I don't label her an adultress or anything. Like you, I have a hell of a problem holding on to this rather generous sense, even though I recognize that it is to my benefit. I have a sprited nature that tends toward the all-consuming kinds of passions, so sometimes I really feel like leading the whole situation into the deepest pits of hell just to get all this pussyfooting over. I don't know if you get that sort of impatience to force the isssue, even for the worse, but I have to fight against it pretty often. I know about where it comes from, but that doesn't make it go away.
Anyway, thanks for stopping in. It is really good to talk to people who've gone through this. Good luck in coming out on the other side - make sure you tell me when it finally happens.
I'll be here, trying to chart a course through the storm.
