Boy can I relate to the "standing for the marriage" for fear's sake and not for love. Fear is definately the predominant emotion I felt when the first bomb dropped. In fact, it may have been the only emotion I felt for many many months. Everything was driven by fear. I don't necessarily think things could have been different. After all, that was the first time I'd ever been through something like that, and my H had been my ONLY life line where we moved.
And I too get a little frustrated with some posts about standing for the marriage that seem to be more self-righteousness and justification than faith. I AM a LBS, and I did find some comfort in the feeling that I was the bigger person for not reaching for D. But now I can be honest with myself and say that I did not reach for D, mostly out of fear of the unknown and of cutting off the possibility of having the familiar back.
And now that the fear has receeded (always feeling it to some degree) I can see this.
When I got to the point that I could verbally give H and myself permission to move on and let go of the marriage, I think I felt real love for H. I've always loved him in a way I can't explain. I think it has to do with understanding his most base personality drives, because we have them in common (introversion, withdrawal, self-protection, depression). But when I got to the point where I could say I didn't hate H for not being healthy enough to be part of a family, and I would care about him even if I had to move on with my life, then I think I was really in touch with my love for him. And my love for myself and S4.
