I don't know if I have posted to you or not. Walkingback asked me to stop by to see if there is anything I could offer you in the way of help. I apologize that I don't have time to go back over your entire sitch but I read the last few pages and thing I get the gist.
Actually, reading your story scares the hell out of me because there are similarities to mine except that my W has yet to go back to saying she loves the OM (and shows very little sign of doing so anytime soon) but she did say something like that a few weeks ago. Like you, I was sure all that was in the past and I would never have to hear that kind of thing again.
One thing my W shared with me that may help you understand where your W's head's at is the fact that to this day, 6+ months after they supposedly broke things off, he's still calling her. He's still professing his undying love for her and telling/reminding her that she's screwing up her life by staying with me. She says even though she's pretty clear in her mind she's done with him, and told him this, it still hurts her to remember where she was not too long ago.
Of course, she told me all the same "bad things" about her OM that your W told you about hers but still seems to have a soft spot for him. I think this is because they perceive these guys as the ones who were there for them in their time of need. The OM still represents a certain freedom and promise of a new, better life. We still, at least in some ways, represent the old, unchanging, "bad" life they feel trapped into.
So, my W was on that fence not too long ago, put there by listening to a message from OM (or at least she said it was just a message...and one actual conversation soon after) but she seems to have chosen to come back to my side...this time.
I am afraid sometimes, like you, that she'll not make that same choice next time but hey, I can't control that. I can only keep working on me and she makes her mind up from there.
Granted, my sitch is a bit better off than yours (sorry) but the fear, the not knowing part is still there. I think that's one of the lessons in all this; you NEVER know, which is why you can't put all your "happiness"-eggs in her basket. You have to learn to carry some, if not all the burden for your happiness in this life on your own. That way no matter what she does, you will not walk away a shell of a man, left with nothing, inside or out.
You HAVE to begin the process of emotionally distancing yourself from her, detaching from this wild swing of emotion that she's going through.
My W has a constant refrain she uses with me that goes something like; "You don't know what it's like. You don't know how hard this is."
Sure, we laugh until we pee ourselves at a WAS saying something like that, but I assure you, as bad as we have it, I honestly do think we have it better. We only have one set of feelings, one other person to deal with in this. Our arguments, decisions, actions, etc, are only seen and reacted to by one person. Theirs are reacted to and judged by two people, usually in diametrically opposite ways. No matter WHAT your W does, someone will be pissed, probably VERY emotional, and for someone who is very tuned in to emotions right now, not to mention being a woman (sorry ladies), that can be a very tough place to be...albeit one entirely self-created and not deserving of our pity.
Pity is one thing, understanding and compassion are another and that's where you can do some work. Try to stop putting yourself, her and OM into the roles of good and evil and understand that it's a terribly complicated situation who's moral rightness or wrongness is entirely dependant on who you are in the equation.
I'm SURE my W's OM, probably based largely on what she's told him, believes he's actually trying to save my W from a living hell in our marriage. HE thinks I am the one who's evil...of course, he's wrong, lol.
All I am trying to say is that one of the largest hurdles I had to overcome in all this was the assigning of blame and labels to all of this. He's evil, she's a b!tch, I'm an a$$hole, I'm great, she's bad, he's demented, she's crazy...
Pick yourself up, stop trying to figure her out and start living your life with a purpose. Make that purpose to grow yourself beyond the description your marriage has provided you with. Grow beyond being just a husband, father, son, etc and into the man you really want to be.
I will try to keep up with you and post when I can.
GH
THAT'S the man to listen to, mepicurious. Look up his old threads if you get some time. The depth at which he has come to understand the dynamics at play with a WAW such as this, is staggering. I "met" Grasshopper here over a year ago and much of what you're going through now...well, he blazed a trail for you. He can help you. Just reading his old threads can help you.
Be a sponge during your time here. You are getting a TON of great advice. Much of it ends up being "taken" in due time, when you reach a certain point in the trauma of it all. It will be easier to "detach" the fuller your gut becomes from all the BS. Detaching, I think, is more a place at which you arrive than something that you do. So don't worry about it if you aren't "detached" yet. Get involved in something you enjoy, or always thought about doing...in short, GAL. It will help keep your head straight when all else is spinning out of control.
You're in a good place here and are surrounded by lots of great people that have walked the walk you're on now.
So...be a sponge, don't sweat the things you can not control/change and take care of yourself.
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