H said he would consider converting the D to a LS to save me some money on my taxes so I could claim married and still keep him on my insurance until he finds a job.
His biggest concern is that I will try to control his life somehow by not being D. I told him that I was too busy moving on with my life to have the time or energy to worry about what he was doing. (Thanks Chuck!)
I'm still battling doing what I want and need instead of how it may affect him or his behavior. Truthfully, I've spent the last 21 years being Wife and mom and everyone else came first. Besides Divorce Care class, working out and yoga/meditation class, bowling and work, I don't have much else going on that I'm interested in. It's a start I suppose. I'm looking for the confident woman of 20 years ago who would have told him to keep walking if he walked out. Then, would cry for awhile and find some activities to get involved in. I'm doing the doing more things and expanding my interests, but I must say that almost 100% of my waking time is spent thinking about whether he will ever come back to the marriage or a R with me, other than parents. I guess time will tell. I'm hopeful that with time, I will think of it less and less, like with any death and greiving.
Right now, I fight staying in bed under the covers reading another self help book or a book on mid-life crisis and the Bible, intertwined with short naps. Working out at the gym and weight training, and anti depressants, have helped me stave off how bad it could have been, I suppose.
My self as an adult has been defined by this relationship and the kids. My fault. I can't seem to find the excitement/fulfillment of doing something that is just for me.
Okay, this is more journaling and rambling. I have found that reading other posts has helped a lot. I do think I'm moving to the midlife side also. I'm not sure where I belong, so I'll do both as the mood strikes me.
