You can't control his reactions to what you say, but being aware of what he's doing might help you to remain calm while he is venting. Try not to be so afraid of his anger and the consequences of it. It'll keep you from addressing the problems with him and the more they are buried, the more resentment will build.
There shouldnt be any harm in you stating your needs in your relationship, or requesting that he sit down and discuss things like an adult. He can not do it, but you're not wrong to ask him to. I guess what I'm saying not too well, is that DBing is about becoming better for ourselves. It's not about changing ourselves so that we can be perfect enough that our spouse won't abandon us. Can you see the difference?
It's OK for you to ask "H, what time can I expect you home?" If he chooses to go off because of it, that's his choice. Continue to ask. Is it gonna push him farther away? Maybe or maybe not, but not mentioning "anything" isn't gonna create forward motion either.
What approaches have you tried on this problem? I still remember changes when you were carefree and very busy with the kids when he wasn't at home. How much time are you two getting alone together? Is your work schedule starting to create more distance between you? What changed from the time when things were going pretty well, until now? If you can't discuss this directly, maybe figuring out what is creating the distancing and fixing it would help?
