I think it would help to GAL. Do things for you. Hobbies where you lose yourself in them are excellent. They build emotional reserves. They make you feel better.
Don't take your wife seriously. She needs a good therapist, probably some form of medication. She's sick. Really sick. Her flip-flopping could be many things: bi-polar, depression, who knows? Don't hang on every word. She's like a raging storm. She needs help.
Try not to let her current mood/posture affect yours.
The more you GAL, the more you will not pressure her to do anything in order for you to be happy. The more you GAL the less she will feel her power over you. The more you GAL the more yuo wil be attractive to her. Tee more you GAL the less threatened you'll feel by the OM who is a psychotic, manipulative scum bucket.
The only real thinking/studying you might need to do is figure out what she's getting from OP that you aren't giving her. Perhaps he listens more, perhaps he's more passionate and open, perhaps he's dangerous/crazy and that seems more "alive" to her. Who knows? It could be that it's just the endorphin/adrenaline high of a new romance that lasts 6-18 months. Every wife who has an OM says he fills a hole in her that you don't. Either way, you are growing stronger and wiser. You'll outlast him. By the way, Getting a life makes you more fun and intuitive, which might be what she likes in him.
And it's OK to say NO regarding things like celebrating Thanksgiving with him and meeting him. He's trying to steal your wife. He's a scumbag. How can I say this nicely?... be a man. DO NOT enable her affair. Do not approve of it. Why don't you hold his coat for him and wash his car while he sleeps with your wife? Sorry to be that rude, but my wife expected me to remain best friends with the guy who was having an EA with her.
If you try and push him away, you'll make him more attractive. If you act frightened they'll both smell your fear and eat you alive. But draw a firm line: You don't want to be buddy with this guy, nor do you want to meet him. She'll respect you more if you have some boundaries.
I also think that this OM is wiley. He's got nothing to lose, so he's dangerous, he takes risks and is rather relaxed. If you met him he'd make mince-meat out of you. In your mind you have too much to lose so you're tense. If you GAL, you'll relax more, by the way.
I think your wife doesn't have the courage to divorce you. She's a mess. I also think she's wondering how long the new you will last. You'll last because you are getting a life and investing in yourself. You are the light in the darkness. You are a great man.
Keep at it.
If being there for your wife improves things between you. Go for it.
