I'm going to talk to my in-laws tonight. I'm extremely upset with them about their lack of support. It may not make much sense, but if you've been a long-time follower of my sitch, then you know that my own family basically disowned me when I married, and my wife family is really the only family I've got. When my FIL told me, upon our marriage, that I was his son, not his son-in-law, I believed it and have treated our relationship as such.
That's why I'm very upset that he has allowed W to move back in with them. He had specifically promised me that he wouldn't do that. And, now, moving OM's bed into their house is a painful slap in the face.
It's brought me from being satisfied with the progress I've seen to being ready to file for divorce.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
IMHO, this is the best thing that could have happened with respect to your M having a chance.
You posts lately have been very troubling. Your hope seems pinned on circumstances conspiring to force W back into your home.
For your M to have a chance of being a healthy M, your W needs space to make the CHOICE to move home because it is what she WANTS. FIL has helped giver her that space.
As far as D sleeping on a bed that USED TO belong to OM, I would say that is a mark of how unsentimenally your W views that bed. If she thought of it as her lover's bed, she would hardly earmark it for D.
Your volatility here also suggests that both of you need some space to figure out what you really want.
FIL's actions do not sound like a slap in the face to me. Rather, they sound like the actions of a man who genuinely has your and W's best interest in mind. No father would want his W to feel coerced into returning to an M in which she had not been happy. No father would want to see his son with a woman who was with him merely out of a lack of someplace else to go.
OT, thanks for commenting on my sitch. I definitely appreciate your advice.
I can't figure out, however, how my FIL's breaking his promise to me and then deliberately doing something that he knew would upset me ... well, that just doesn't sound like "best interest in mind" to me. I agree that W isn't sentimental about the bed -- I am sentimental about it, however, and it's no good just telling me to get over it.
I'm not going to disagree with your assessment that it is better for W and me to stay apart right now, because I don't really disagree with it. That's not the point. The point is that it isn't "in my best interest" for him to break his promise to me without a discussion and for him to deliberately hurt me.
Hi RB, I think OT's advice was really good. I hear that you may have a trust issue with your FIL right now, like maybe blood is thicker, and you are not sure if you will matter if they are forced to choose between W and you in terms of wanting different things. So here's a few thoughts. Maybe FIL saw something that you couldn't see. FIL also may know he needs to talk to you about it, because he changed his mind - he probably feels caught in the middle and it's a difficult spot. Imagine if you said to FIL "I was initially upset that this happened without being informed, I was caught off guard and was not prepared. However, I can see that it is all for the best, it will give W & I the space we need to move slowly and heal our R. I am grateful to you always for your continuing support of our M. I know you know how much I love W, and you."
Just a thought, RB. That you could create it as a blessing and be grateful. Slow and steady wins the race. It is just not what you expected. And the reaction is something out of your past. When did someone break their word with you, how old were you, how did it feel? In general, how do you react when things happen without planning or your input? Does any of this perhaps have to do with wanting to be more in control of what's happening?
Trust, RB.... all is well. You are loved, and being looked after.
Hugs to you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Suited, as a Christian, I believe that good people can fall into sin. I knew my W for 6 years before the affair (married for 5), so the A does not completely define her in my mind. I believe in forgiveness and the power of God's love to change people ... and I've seen it firsthand.
Sure, I deserve better than what my W has done. She also deserved a better husband than what I was for 5 years. What do you think my 5-year-old daughter deserves?
Cunningham has some good points about generating attraction, but his view of relationships comes from a different perspective than mine. For Cunningham (and for most people), relationships are about making yourself happy and fulfilling your desires. While meaning no disrespect to anyone else, I want to make God happy and live out His will for my life, and I believe that He will bless me for doing that.
And the reaction is something out of your past. When did someone break their word with you, how old were you, how did it feel? In general, how do you react when things happen without planning or your input? Does any of this perhaps have to do with wanting to be more in control of what's happening?
Actually, PL, it has more to do with the fact that I basically didn't have a father growing up. I mean, there was a man in the house, but he didn't actually play much of a role in my life. When my FIL basically "adopted" me as his son after my marriage, it meant (to me) that I had a real father for the first time in my life. That carries with it both expectation and fear. My relationship with my in-laws is very complex.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
It's also important to keep in mind that FIL and MIL were the ones who encouraged me to kick W out of their house, which is where we were living at the time. Their promise not to support her was in that context, which is why getting the rug pulled out from under me has been such a big deal.
Anyway, I had a good visit with the in-laws last night and never got the right moment to bring this stuff up.
Well, it seems that W is stuck in a holding pattern. She spends some nights with me and some with her parents. It's over with the OM because he's through with her and she now realizes that she could never "change him" into the man she wants (since he went AWOL last week), but she's still in love with him. She "loves" me but is not "in love" with me and isn't yet willing to work on our relationship in any way. She thinks that would be wrong considering the way that she feels. I think that working on her R with me is one thing that could significantly change her feelings. We're very friendly and loving toward each other with no significant disagreements since last week.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
