You aren't giving him the third degree. It is reasonable for a couple who are M to communicate with each other as to where they will be, whether or not they have kids, but especially when they have kids. Wanting to know his plans is NOT giving him sh*t about going out.
I tried to communicate this to him. He brought up my ex-h, saying that he went out all the time and I stayed with him. Huh?
Quote:
Avoiding this is not going to make it go away. IF he simply wants personal time and is not seeing OW, then communicating with you about his plans should not be an issue. It is simply common decency.
I also said this to him, I don't see what the problem is. He says he is tired of people telling him what to do.
Quote:
"H, we have a problem we need to work through, and I want to work through it. But, your anger is getting in the way of us making progress. How can we get beyond that?"
I know calling him while he is at work is not a good idea but I just can't leave things like this. So I did, and as I expected he didn't pick up. I pretty much said above. I asked if there was anything that we could do to work things out without resorting to yelling as I do not want to live this way either.
As far as money issues, yes we have big problems there. We are both irresponsible, but I have vowed to do better by getting a job and stopping almost all unneccessary spending.
I just wish we could talk calmly and rationally without anger flaring it's ugly head.
It doesn't sound to me as though you are trying to tell him what to do. On the contrary, you would like him to share with you what he has decided to do.
BTW, sounds like H is skilled in throwing big stuff at you to silence you. Can I just say, YUCK!
"Gee H, where did that come from. I thought we were talking about X and all of the sudden you are assaulting me with bizarre random threatening comments. Yuck. I don't think that is going to get us anywhere. Let's go back to X."
Ok, now that we all agree that I am not being unreasonable and H is probably still hiding things from me, where do I go from here?
I suspect his anger is not about me trying to control him as it is more about him being caught. This just sux!
I am the type of person that needs things to be resolved right away. I have to work tonight, should I see if someone can cover my shift for me so we can talk or do I go to work and start DB'ing all over again from square one?
H just called. Said he was returning my call. He sounded calm. I said we really need to talk and resolve these issues. He said we will have plenty of time to talk (don't know what that meant). I told him I was thinking of getting someone to cover my shift tonight and he asked me not to do that, he doesn't want me to get in trouble at work. I said right now I don't care about work, you are more important to me.
As a side note, I was doing some bill paying online and saw that he just took out money in OW's town. So is he running to her to complain about his terrible life with me? This just gets worse and worse and until he can come clean with me I feel this is going to continue forever....
OK - my take - and bear in mind I don't knwo your whole sitch, why you go bombed etc. All I al going on is what's in this post. How about a 180? You say you've always complained at H, and in the talk that's what you did. I can totally sympathise with wantnig thins resolved right away, I am the same but sometimes it does me no favours. You have made it clear to H that you would like more consideration if he decides to go out, and yes I agree with that. I like my H to tell me if he's going to be late, no so I can object (he often has a quick drink with his brother after going to the gym) but just so I KNOW so I'm not sitting there at 10pm thinking "I hope he's OK". But H sees this as control - mine used to as well. So how about a 180? What could that be?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Well since H thinks I am controlling the obvious 180 would be to not control. Easier said than done. I never was controlling before, never questioned H about anything, but that was when I trusted him completely.
He broke that trust in Oct. 05 when the bomb was dropped. I have been Db'ing for 15 months and things seem to finally be progressing but we are still not there yet. It is hard not to wonder where he is and who he is with because of course, my mind immediately thinks he is with OW.
If I didn't want to know his whereabouts, to me that would seem like I didn't care.
The need to stop complaining is a valid one, I tend to complain about EVERYTHING. Again, I have issues and need to resolve them.
Hi Mama I'm glad OT showed up because she's leading you the right direction with this. Absolutely you shouldn't feel bad or guilty or wrong because your H is angry about you bringing up this subject. Please don't allow him to intimidate you with that anger and sweep these issues under the rug. It's a cheeseless tunnel for your M. Like OT said, you deserve someone who will talk with you and work out problems and be open and honest. If your H is throwing a tantrum, shifting blame, or threatening to abandon the R, then you have hit a sore spot that needs to be explored further.
I'm glad OT showed up because she's leading you the right direction with this. Absolutely you shouldn't feel bad or guilty or wrong because your H is angry about you bringing up this subject. Please don't allow him to intimidate you with that anger and sweep these issues under the rug. It's a cheeseless tunnel for your M. Like OT said, you deserve someone who will talk with you and work out problems and be open and honest. If your H is throwing a tantrum, shifting blame, or threatening to abandon the R, then you have hit a sore spot that needs to be explored further.