I dunno which way to turn or what to do,, I dunno if my pain will subside if it will get worse abd if I can again be a ROCK,, I realize I am not prfect bu my H needs so much from me and I know That I need to just let go and give and yet I must still be holding back,,, I know I am I am always waiting for him to leave and even though we love eachother it holds no guarantees. I know how much I love him and I love him so , so much but it all stays inside and I need to let it out and let him know,,,, why cant I just get this right? It seems to elude me,, it feels good for awhile and then bam it feels like I was falling short and I feel sad,, like I am letting the Man I love down and hurting him,, and it is never done with that in mind. I feel so scared that I wil keep my heart locked up and never ever let him in. WE both have a lock and key on our hearts and all we want is to be loved by the other.

This is not the first time he tells me and others in my life tell me I always seem to be very loving but at the same time I am guarded cause I fear the HURT.
How do I show him I love and adore him when I am up here and he is so far away in Mexico,,, ( he says he left cause he was in to much pain and I was not giving him what he needed and when I do he will then give me too what I need). he told me he was going to see his DAD and was being super sweet and calling me constantly on his trip down there,, I feel as though he is still lost and when he is with his Family the first few days he hardly calls , I have noticed that for him it is hard for him to be alone.. I do not mind if he does not call but he goes from blowing up the phone and calling to not even calling to say hey I have arrived and I am safe I will phone you soon. I would be fine with that .... I love him and want for him to be happy but he is also I feel putting on me the task of fully making him Happy like he has no say and it is all up to me,, I feel he is hard on me and yet I know I put up a wall sometimes and he keeps it there by threatening to leave or saying he is not looking for anyone or anything he is tired of that,, mind you we have been married for 10 years,, when did he get tired of looking for other women? I think just this year b/c for plenty of years he seemed to be actively looking for OW and at the same time he wanted my self esteem to be so high while he would be unfaithful.

WOW,, I still have alot of stuff to leave behind.....

I am sweet, and nice on the phone,, I tell him I miss him and that I love him and that I wish he was here. I also tell him I am very proud of him and that I hope he is having a great time.

I will keep Journalling here just to let this out and keep trying to get this right. I am terrified he will tell me he has had enough,, but in my heart I do feel he loves me he is just feeling sad and like I do not love him which must be very painful,, I always tell him I love him but he says I never show him so I am being a hypocrite for saying it......?????

I feel so lost I feel like I am not enough for him and I also feel like he is very depressed,, I have felt that for years but he insists it is all b/c of me and the pain I cause him.......
God bless....