Do you think about leaving because you want him to chase after you, or do you think about leaving because you are not getting what you want from an R?
My guess is that it is the latter. Wanting honesty and openness in an M is not childish. It is not childish to want your H to work with you on your M to rebuild trust. It is not childish to want some actual passion.
Perhaps what is childish is how you handle your feelings of emptiness and frustration with his continued lies and lack or effort. For instance, something like a temper tantrum at 2am because you can't stand it anymore isn't the route to a more adult dialogue. It sounds like you were the freaked child and he was the reassuring adult. The problem, of course, is that it is not real reassurance, because you believe he is lying. And, if you believe he is lying, he almost certainly is.
"H, last night wasn't the best time to bring stuff up. Let me try again more directly. I love you. I am glad that things are moving in a positive direction. To be fair to both of us, I need to share with you that I am not satisfied with some things and if our M is to work we will need to work together on these things. I feel in the dark a lot of the time about what you are doing and who you are with. I have observed things that directly contradict what you tell me. I want to be in an R where there is openness and trust. Rebuilding trust will take effort on both are parts. And, I am a worthy person who deserves that effort from you if we are to have the kind of wonderful M I know is possible for us."
You seem to swing from bottled up anger to remorse for having acted badly for expressing those doubts to dismissing your doubts because you were a bad girl in how you expressed them, which of course doesn't work so the anger builds again.
Look, your doubts and concerns are legitimate. You deserve honesty and openness. You deserve an H who recognizes that he has a role in rebuilding trust and making your M work. Until you confront this and accept it as real, see yourself as deserving, and set some boundaries that demonstate respect for both partners in these areas, you will probably keep repeating the unproductive cycle above.
