I am not saying that you haven't successfully resolved your situation. I'm just saying that I haven't found "improving my attitude" to be a way to successfully resolve my situation.
Ha! My situation is hardly resolved. But I feel less resentment and more at peace about what the M IS providing than what it is lacking. I guess going through a seperation can do that for you. That's just my experience though.
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I also understand what you're saying about this BB being a possible contributing factor to my bad attitude through negative reinforcement. However, I find that it has worked both ways for me. I've been on and off this BB since I've joined it and sometimes I come back when things have gotten better and sometimes I come back because they have gotten worse while I was gone. Overall, I think I have experienced personal growth vis a vis the BB because I no longer have bad reactions in response to the posts of LD spouses like I used to.
I see that as growth too. Maybe that is why I am even on this board right now. I hate to fail and to avoid my mistakes. Can I get something from all of you in a healthy way without it bringing me down into a state of depression? I don't know. Nothing is really "fixed" in my M other than my attitude but that may be the key for me. Time will tell. Interesting posts this morning by the way. All I could picture when you were talking about BF being the hero in a romance novel was an alternating image of him being all grumpy reading that, and him on a white horse attmpting to be Fabio. Lol. At least this board provdes some comical relief. But seriously, thank for the "Hi" from BF, Lil, and Lou. I'm going to respond to you, Heather, on your own thread.
Lil: Did you make a heartfelt personal commitment to the MAN, or did you just promise to take him on as a project? Or to make the best of the soup you found yourselves in?
Mojo: Have there been times in my marriage when I would have wanted to make a heartfelt personal commitment to my H if I believed it would be returned? Yes. Is that a good enough answer?
Yes, that is a good enough answer: the answer is NO. There's nothing wrong with this answer; just realize that you are keeping yourself in this R with sheer will power.
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Also, I have to say that I don't think that the heart is the organ people should be making any sort of commitments with.
Deflect, deflect, deflect. You KNOW what I'm asking you-- you said it above, "I would have wanted to make a heartfelt personal commitment if I believed it would have been returned." Your self preservation instinct was right on: if you HAD made such a heartfelt personal commitment to him, you'd probably be hurting worse than you are now. At least now you've got your shields up high enough that he is mostly an annoyance.
The point is that you two got into this relationship through an accident of poor judgment and you've been trying to make the best of it. YOUR will power is running out. The phrase "running on empty" comes to mind.
HIS will power is not being tested... he can stay in the place of slacker-self-loathing-loser indefinitely. It doesn't take energy or will power from him to do that.
Mojo has had a long, wakeful, busy night/morning. You doing okay?
Yeah, I'm okay. I was just up super-early because it is a bajillion degrees below zero here in Michigan. Thank you for expressing your concern. I appreciate it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MJ I was just up super-early because it is a bajillion degrees below zero here in Michigan A balmy 63f here yesterday after -0 last week. More cold comming
Open the cabinet doors under the sink so the pipes don't freeze.
Nothing is really "fixed" in my M other than my attitude but that may be the key for me. Time will tell.
I do understand that perception matters. Why else would my H now be seeing me as someone who should eat MORE pizza rather than LESS.- LOL
Things change whether or not you want them to. I think I am pushing for more change in my relationship because it is really hard for me to see how I would be content with the status quo once the kids are gone. Maybe my "smoke alarm" is going off too early in that regard but I guess I feel like it's only fair play to give my H a sort of "head's up".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Why else would my H now be seeing me as someone who should eat MORE pizza rather than LESS.- LOL
Who the heck knows. Stop trying to figure these men out. They make no sense half the time. All I know is just finished of an entire slab of chocolate cake, and when I mean slab, I mean not a mere slice, but a square of about 6x6. That can't be a good sign.
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Things change whether or not you want them to. I think I am pushing for more change in my relationship because it is really hard for me to see how I would be content with the status quo once the kids are gone. Maybe my "smoke alarm" is going off too early in that regard but I guess I feel like it's only fair play to give my H a sort of "head's up".
But what kind of reaction do you expect with that attitude. You yourself just stated things change whether you want them to or not. Why try and control what is going to happen 5 or 10 years down the line. That's getting your panties in a bunch for no reason. Or, you are focusing so much into the future and ignoring what is happening right in front of you today. Maybe try and live more in the moment. Sounds corny but I find it helpful.
Just wanted to ditto the flylady site recommendation. Awesome sight and I am pretty organized. It just helps keep me on task in small, doable increments and prevents me from doing and insane, blowout cleaning effort because the back of my mind has been saying "not good enough". I love my day planner - it is from Franklin Covey and I mostly use it to write things down, rarely actually refer to it because once I write it down I can remember!
Yes, that is a good enough answer: the answer is NO. There's nothing wrong with this answer; just realize that you are keeping yourself in this R with sheer will power.
Don't forget maternal nesting drive, fear of conflict, general wishy-washiness, distracted fantasizing, the support of this BB and the occasional espresso brownie.
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Deflect, deflect, deflect.
I knew you would say this (sigh). At least I know what you mean when you say it now. That's an improvement, right?
Let me tell you a little story that may illustrate better why I continue to work at this relationship. I have a Type 4 friend named Karen. She actually sort of reminds me of a cross between you and BB Karen personality wise. When we were young we were both married to "slacker" LD men, although her H was more of the good-natured househusband variety. Anyway, about 10 years ago she became thoroughly fed up with her H and had an affair. She left her H and married the guy with whom she had the affair. When she did this what she said to me was "It is so great to be with someone who wants me.".She moved far away and I completely lost touch with her for the last 9 years. Recently, she gave me a call out of the blue. She had left husband 2 after 8 years because he became abusive. After she left husband 2 she and her first LDH tried to make it work again to no avail. Now she is living with the man that she was engaged to when we were all in high school together but she vows that she'll never marry again.
I guess the moral of this story to me is if I don't do a good job fixing me before I make a decision to leave this marriage I will either end up in another f*cked up situation or I will end up burnt out on the whole concept of being in a relationship. My current modus operandi in terms of fixing me is to ask myself "Am I doing everything possible to take care of myself the best that I know how?" and if the answer isn't "Yes." then I need to work harder at that.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
