Thank you so much, i hope you are right. I have spent all day fighting back tears. He rang earlier and said he was having a really busy day but would try and get home as soon as he could. He will be away with work tomorrow so after today i wont see him until Wed eve. But i'm going out Wed eve so i will only see him briefly. To be honest i don't feel like going out at all but i will force myself and hopefully enjoy when i get there.
The thing is i do actually believe him when he says that he probably didn't ever love me. it has always been an issue, i used to say to him that i felt as if he didn't love me but he used to tell me that he did. This is why i'm so worried. i think in most cases on these boards it is true that the love will come back. But i think in my case it was never there in the first place so it won't ever be there!!
It hurts so much to love someone so much and know that it will never be returned.
What makes you say that you two never really loved each other? He used to tell you he did but you wouldn't believe him -that's really draining (I was the same, my H could never give me enough reasurance). I can't believe you two could have got married if there was no love there, it seems you're viewing the world through the opposite of rose tinted specs right now. I'm intrigued....what brought you two together and what drove you apart? IMO your sitch looks hopeful, how come you don't see it as that?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Listen to JenJam. She is great with her advice and has helped me an awful lot. I agree with her that you haven't blown it. I think you've just asked for some reassurance a little too soon and because H isn't entirely back to "normal" with his feelings he has just blurted out an answer that doesn't make him feel pressured.
I also think he wouldn't have M you and had 2 children with you if he didn't love you. He is still confused UL. My H said the exact words to me only 2 weeks before he moved back in. He said the feelings had gone and to stop waiting for him to get them back because he wasn't going to. Now after 8 weeks of being back together he sleeps in our bed, wears his ring, takes me out, kisses and cuddles me and has said himself he doesn't want us to fail and is trying really hard at all the outstanding "issues". Remember you should believe nothing they say and only half they do. I think it still applies while they are coming out of their fog. I can't see why H would have moved back in if he didn't want you two to be together and he wouldn't want to be with you if he didn't love you.
Forget what happened and pick up where you were. I know its hard I keep backsliding too. You are doing so well and you are going to make it it just takes longer than we want it to. IP
I must sound soooo negative, that is one of the reasons why H left me! I'm just finding it really hard at the moment. I'm really tired and i'm so paranoid about H and his mobile phone. That is what has set me off in a downward spiral this time. He quickly put his phone away again when i walked in the room and it seems like he is hiding something. i try not to let it get to me but it does. I know i'm being totally irrational.
JenJam - We met through a mutual friend and for at least the first year i think we were really in love. I have always been totally in love with H but i don't think he has loved me for a long time. He always said he loved me, right up until the split. But since then he says in hindsight he doesn't think that he did. We have been together for 13 years, married for 3 years. He says i pressured him into marriage - we were together for 10 years before we got married, i wouldn't call that pressure, would you?!!!!!! I suppose it must have been very draining for him if i kept saying that i didn't think he loved me - i have never thought about it like that before. Also, if someone tells you that enough times, you will start to believe it!
I am the sort of person who needs constant reasurance and approval from others and feel guilty so easily about anything and everything - basically i was really hard work, so i don't blame him for leaving. I then got post natal depression after first son was born and i think after helping me through that H had just about had enough!
I got pregnant again (totally planned) but a week after i told H i was pregnant we had an argument and he left. I think he probably couldn't face the thought of post natal depression again. which could be why he has moved back in now, now that he can see i am coping and i'm not depressed.
I am so disapointed that the hugs have stopped and once again there are no kisses in his texts. I keep trying to tell myself that this is just a bit of a setback and to carry on - which i will. I am just so desparate for his love.
Oh Unloved....I wuold like you to take your left hand and put it on your right shoulder. Now take your right hand and put it on your left shoulder. Now squeeze hard. That's a hug from me to you ((((unloved)))
First - the mobile phone. You know you're being irrational so read up in DR on Thought Stopping. Work on that. The mobile/Ow isnt' important here. YOU are.
H says he didn't really love you, you pushed him into marriage tec etc. File those things he says into the "yeah right" folder. WAS's say an awful lot of things that just plain aren't true. Don't argue it with him, just ignore it. A look about on these boards will show you a lot of the things WAS's say are spookily the same...cue Twighlight Zone music...You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a mind boggling land of rewriting the past. Next stop, the WAS Zone!
OK - your need for love, and it being draining on him. I recommend you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I suffered low self esteem and my H could never provide enough love...that book helped me understand my neediness was turning him off.
Your need for approval - I also recommend "Your Erronerous Zones" by Wayne Dyer, that helped me a lot too.
And you're right this whole situation is a setback in your M, nothing more. One thing I was told was that in the grand scheme of things this was a low point. It turned out to be right, it was a low point in an otherwise happy M. IMHO I think you have a good chance here, but work on yourself right now, DB'ing is not really about saving M's more about creating happy people in M's.
Best of luck and keep posting!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Don't worry about sounding negative on here. It's the right place for it and it stops you venting it at H.
I know what you mean about the mobile. I hate it now if H is texting away and I don't know who it is to and it has freaked me out a couple of times. I keep repeating to myself now something that H said. Where is he? Here with me. Why would he be here with me if there was someone else. He wouldn't. It works for me when I get those kind of feelings.
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I am the sort of person who needs constant reasurance and approval from others and feel guilty so easily about anything and everything - basically i was really hard work, so i don't blame him for leaving. I then got post natal depression after first son was born and i think after helping me through that H had just about had enough!
we are so alike it is scary. That is me to a tee!! I'm pretty sure my H left mostly due to my post natal depression and having to deal with it too. One thing I have learnt from all this and from all the R help books I've read is that the less I actually ask for him to show my affection or reassurance the more he seems to do it. It really surprises me because I was like you say - always needing reassurance and worrying about things.
About the hugs and text kisses stopping. I know this is scary and hope it will be reassuring to know that when my H moved from the spare room to our room he stopped hugging for about a week. It was as though he could only handle one thing at once. Then they started up again and soon after he started kissing me on the lips. Maybe your H is just going through a bit of a readjustment thing in his head and will start hugging you again when he's sorted it.
Thanks for the Hug JenJam and for recomending those books, that was very kind of you. I have now got the Mars/Venus book, it looks as if it could be quite useful.
Hi Ip, thanks for the reasurance, it's good to know that, in general, things are going well. You are right, H has chosen to be here, so, that on its own should be plenty of reasurance for now. Actually H did say to me that he thought just him living here should be enough reasurrance for now.
I haven't seen much of him lately because he has been away with work. But his texts and phone calls seem ok, (no kisses though)!
He is also going to be working most of the weekend and he will be away for valentines day. I am trying not to be paranoid but i get the feeling he is avoiding me. Maybe it is a good thing that we wont be together on valentines day. it would be horrible for us to be together and not do anything romantic. In the past we would have a lovely dinner and champagne together or do a fondue with chocolates and strawberries etc.
Just before we split he spent alot of time away with work, but during the separation he didn't seem to go away much. Now he is back again and the nights away have started again. Could it be coincidence or has he had enough of me already. During the split he told me that he didn't have to stay overnight on some of the trips but he did because he didn't want to be here with me!! I know, i know, i shouldn't believe any of what i hear and only half of what i see!!
I haven't really got anything else to say at the moment. I am feeling pretty exhausted aswell, so my brain isn't functioning very well at the moment.
I've not been around much because i've had problems connecting to internet but it's all fixed now.
I'm feeling much happier at the moment. My paranoia has stoped (for now)! Well, valentines day today and i was unsure whether or not to give H his card and pressie that i got him. I decided to give it to him and just said "i hope you don't mind but i've got you a little something for valentines day" He looked quite relieved and said he hadn't expected anything. He gave me a big hug and then left the room. I wasn't sure if maybe i had pushed things too far, but then he came back in with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne!! I gave him a big hug and he kissed me on the head and said "things will be alright because that's what we both want". I was so happy i got all emotional and i think he did too. I then took him to the train station because he is going to be away at an exhibition with work today so i won't see him until tomorrow evening. But the other day he actually asked me to arrange a babysitter for Sat afternoon so that we can go for luch somewhere to make up for not being around on Valentines day.
How things have changed!!
It is so amazing that this is happening that at times i do question (to myself)why he is being so nice? Is it because this IS what he really wants or is it a guilty consience? I know i shouldn't think like that, i just find it hard to believe sometimes.
Wow your post has made me so happy!! I am so pleased for you I really am. Flowers and champagne from your H that is so lovely and even more special after everything that has happened. I'm not surprised you got emotional.
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"things will be alright because that's what we both want"
That is a brilliant thing that H has said to you. It shows he wants it to work too. My H said exactly the same thing to me a couple of weeks ago and the other day I said to him I just want things to keep getting better and he said so do I that's why I came back. These things are so reassuring to hear aren't they. Store it away and say it to yourself whenever you feel uncertain.
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But the other day he actually asked me to arrange a babysitter for Sat afternoon so that we can go for luch somewhere to make up for not being around on Valentines day.
Another great sign that H really wants to be with you - he is arranging dates for you both!! I hope you have a lovely time.
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It is so amazing that this is happening that at times i do question (to myself)why he is being so nice? Is it because this IS what he really wants or is it a guilty consience? I know i shouldn't think like that, i just find it hard to believe sometimes.
I know how you feel here I keep questioning it too. I think it is because you hope and hope for it for so long but deep down however positive you are a part of you thinks it will never happen and then when it does you have to keep pinching yourself. IMO I think your H is with you because it is what he wants not because of a guilty consience. If it was just guilt he would just be there and that would be it - he wouldn't be getting you flowers and arranging dates for you both.
I'm having a good day too. I got H a valentine's card but decided I wouldn't give him it unless he did something for valentine's as I didn't want to look pushy etc. He has not mentioned valentine's day at all and he was still in bed when I got up this morning. When I went downstairs he had left a card for me in the kitchen!! So then I left mine for him to find when he got up. Only 9 weeks ago I thought I had no chance of getting a valentine's card this year!!
So far i have let H initiate any hugs or kisses, is this the right thing to do or should i go up to him and hug him from time to time? I don't want to put pressure on him but i don't want him to think that he is the one making all the effort.
Whatisis - I have still been trying to cook!! H is totally amazed at the transformation. Recently we went to stay with family and my brother-in-law cooked a wonderful meal. When we got back i bought all the ingredients and attempted it for H and I. It went really well, H even said he thought it was better than brother-in-laws!! He was probably just being polite, but even so i was over the moon. I am actually really enjoying cooking now and don't find it stressful anymore. For the first time in ages i feel like a 'normal' person, who CAN acheive things, not the waste of space that i thought i was. I am loving being a mum to my 2 wonderful boys and H calls me 'supermum' all the time, which is brilliant.
This probably sounds as if i am blowing my own trumpet a bit but, why not!! I have spent such a long time feeling really down with myself and i now feel that i have come such a long way and changed so much - basically, i am proud of myself!
To anyone out there who is in total despair - DON'T GIVE UP, it can work out if you try hard enough.
I know that i am feeling great today and there are going to be lots of black days still to come. But i am just going to make the most of the good days and hope that the bad days get less and less.
Speak to you again soon (hopefully i'll still be happy)
