New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

I'm getting all kinds of mixed signals from her now.

I talked to her this morning about our finances. Since I left and she won't take me back, she has been spending like CRAZY on our Visa and checking account! I finally had enough and decided that "Ok, no matter what happens with us, I don't want a huge pile of debt on top of everything else." So I decided to have a talk with her.

I wrote up what I wanted to say so that I could filter out all of the accusatory language and anything that pointed the finger at her. I have been spending money too, but not at the torrid pace that she has been going. So the wording was all "we" and "our" so that she would know that I acknowledge that I'm spending too. I also told her that I understood that she needed to spend some money to help her cope with the pain that I had caused her. In the end, she just agreed that she was spending too much money and would stop. Just like that. So that was WAY easier than I thought.

I also offered to her that we cancel our Anniversary trip on the weekend of the 23rd. I told her that I was concerned that this was putting too much pressure on her too soon and that although I wanted to work on us, I was willing to be patient and go according to her schedule. She didn't say, "Yeah, I don't really want to go." She just said, "We don't have the money anyway and it does take pressure off of me." So, again, not too bad of a reaction.

BUT, I know she is really HATING me right now, which is ok. This is why: I then asked her, "I have one more thing I want to ask of you. Would you let me invade your space for 30 seconds, and trust me in those 30 seconds not to hurt you?" After a few back and forths of "It depends on what you're gonna do." And me "I'm just asking that you trust me." She said ok. I got close to her, and asked her if I could hug her. She agreed but I can't remember if it was a "whatever," a "sure," or an "I'd love you to." (OK, I know it wasn't the last one!) So I did. While I was holding her, she put her arms around me but it wasn't an embrace, it was more like a place to put her arms so they wouldn't be at her sides. I also told her while I was holding her that I was sorry for all of the pain I've caused her. 30 seconds was up so I let go.

Right after that, she smirked while asking, "Does that make you feel better?" I amost have to laugh at this now. She has SOOOO much hate for me, it's almost funny. What else can I do but laugh at her sinister little smirk. All I said in response was, "I can see so much hate in you." And she replied, "there sure is."

I really think that she's breaking down behind her wall of hatred. She is nice to me and we have VERY small chit-chat when exchanging the kids, but the positive signs are there. I still don't have Divorce papers, so I still have a shot. I really think that she really does love me, and sees the changes in me, but won't let down her guard or be vunerable for a second due to what I've done with her, and I'm fine with that. I just know that time is my friend. Every day without D papers is a day on my side to reconciliation.

So anyways, I guess I'm at about a 6 on the (1 depressed, 10 exhilirated) happyness scale. I have to be. No matter what happens, I have to be ok with me.

I know I took a HUGE risk with the hug, but I wanted to give it a try, and I think it turned out ok. She didn't say no! Some part of her probably wanted me to hold her, even if she couldn't admit it because I'm an a-hole!

Talk to you soon.