Hello all, it's been a while. WAW just gave me petition papers for the big D. She's still blaming me for everything that's gone wrong, things that I did 8 years ago. Still there is no valid reason for this. I think that she has someone and just not telling. She has strung me along for 4 months and the all of a sudden she files a petition for the D!
I never in a million years would have thought that she would do this! She has turned into someone that I don't know and don't want to know. I'm not bitter, nor do I hate her, this can only destroy me so I have to be nice and kind to her like DBing has tought me to be. And I know that God doesn't want me to be like that. I just don't to be around when God goes to work on her.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
Hello all, it's been a while. WAW just gave me petition papers for the big D.
Sorry to hear this. We're in the same boat. I hope it doesn't have a leak.
She's still blaming me for everything that's gone wrong, things that I did 8 years ago.
Well, she has to have some reason.
Still there is no valid reason for this.
But the above (and more like it) may be a valid reason in her mind.
I think that she has someone and just not telling.
Could be. But if so, that's not exactly the real reason for her wanting to end the M. She was unhappy first, then sought outside validation. Or, stumbling into outside validation made her realize how unhappy she was. Something like that...
Not really any consolation to you, of course.
She has strung me along for 4 months and the all of a sudden she files a petition for the D! I never in a million years would have thought that she would do this!
Chances are, though, she had mentally decided it was over long before and couldn't face up to it.
She has turned into someone that I don't know and don't want to know.
Well, this will at least make it somewhat easier for you to move on, although I say easier, not easy. Big difference.
I'm not bitter, nor do I hate her, this can only destroy me so I have to be nice and kind to her like DBing has tought me to be. And I know that God doesn't want me to be like that.
Good. Take the high road, if that's what you want. But remember, it is OK (in fact unhealthy otherwise) to get mad too. Just as long as getting mad doesn't consume you.
Take care
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
I talked with her this morning and I know that she is a good girl and she did affirm to me (without me asking) that she never cheated on me. So this was good but she said that I just didn't love her like a husband should have and that I was selfish.
I thing that my childhood issues played a big role in all of this. My mother died when I was 4 years old and my father just ran off, he is also dead now. My grandparents raised me and they showed me no love, well they provided everything materially that I needed but never showed me love. I'm not sure if they loved each other, they stayed married because that was the thing to do. They never said to each other that "I love you" they never hugged, kissed, or touched each other, they slept in separate rooms! So I never got a chance to see what a good loving marriage relationship was like. I not trying to blame my childhood for who I am today but it had an impact.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
I talked with her this morning and I know that she is a good girl and she did affirm to me (without me asking) that she never cheated on me.
Well, I would brace yourself anyway. My instinct is that the adulterous WAS can put on a good acting face and tell all sorts of lies. They do this to protect themselves from the guilt they might feel and from the righteous position that they're sparing the LBS the pain by not telling the truth.
Let me play devil's advocate for a minute? Isn't it odd that she brought it up to deny an A, with no encouragement from you?
Not saying she is/did have an A by a long shot, just that you probably should prepare for that as a possibility.
but she said that I just didn't love her like a husband should have and that I was selfish.
Good thing to note, in the event that you get a chance to fix this M, or if not, for the next one.
{edited} I not trying to blame my childhood for who I am today but it had an impact.
This is a good piece of self-reflection. Let me copy something I posted over on tgh's thread:
It's not exactly your fault that you're the way you are. It's the genetics, the upbringing, the environment, the learning from your experience that has made you the way you are today. Chances are, you didn't learn the skills required to deal w/ life/relationships/whatever....
So, it's not your fault that you're the way you are.
However, if you're still the same ten years from now.....
People can change, including you. But you have to want to.
Some of that is specific to her, but I know at a more general level it applies to all of us, myself included.
Take care,
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
If my wife were cheating, I'd want her to just come and tell me. If the new guy is so much better than me, go to him! I hope it lasts longer than the initial excitement of new attraction and hormones. That's the thing people don't get, it's just trying to get over boredom. get over the boredom with your SPOUSE! Stop pretending that someone else is going to solve all your problems. Work out your problems with the one you married and agreed to work on these things with! DO IT!
Hope you're doing ok, don't get too confrontational with the OM, you don't want it to come back to haunt you in any way. This is her sin, not yours.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Thanks, I feel better, but yes I do know where he lives and the STBXW was very pissed that I took her stuff over there. If he was any kind of real man he would look at those wedding pictures and say "what the hell am I doing? My marriage didn't work, so now I'm going to destroy another!"
That was the first and last time, I'm not going to go ever there again, and besides he's a coward! What kind of man chase married women?
My STBXW had some serious issues within herself and she thinks that someone else is going to solve her problems? She is so mistaken, like you said when the newness of this wears off she’s going to back where she started and wondering what the hell did I do to my marriage and my husband.
This guy was once married and he left his W and now my STBXW is with him. What kind of a foundation for a relationship will they have? How are they going to be able to trust each other? They will have to be with each other 24/7 and we all know where that’s going to lead!
You’re so right, it’s the initial excitement of something new and all the chemical reaction in the brain that a new relationship brings, but you can’t do wrong and not expect it in return. She told me last night that she ask God to forgive her for filing for filing the D and she has repented!? Can you believe that? I told her we are not D yet and that you are out of your mind if you think this is ok with God. I told her that you have to repent and turn away from the D. But she is going to D and then repent! Wow, that got me and this guy is not a Christian like we are, unequally yoked. Her sins are on her head, I am so done with her. I told her that God has reconciled us to himself and he wants people to reconcile. She ask if I wanted her to come home, I told her to go to counseling, seek God and there is a lot of work that you have to do. And of course the took the easy way out and said for me to move on.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
The spiritual thing is VERY hard. Here's why. You know God doesn't want you to be divorced. The family is THE central unit of God's plan! WHY would he ever want it broken up if there was no infidelity or serious abuse? He wouldn't, I assure you.
So, when she comes in and says she's received confirmation that God has told her it's OK to be divorced, what can you say? Any rebuttal is questioning her spirituality, right? You can't do that to her anymore than someone could do it to you.
HOWEVER, there is plenty of scripture that tells us in no uncertain terms that the Spirit will not manifest itself to us nor confirm that which is NOT true or good or praise-worthy.
So, if your W decides that she is going to ignore the words of Prophets that God has chosen to reveal his word, then she is fooling herself and you have no control over that. All you can do it deal with it. If you made mistakes in the marriage and you've tried to repent and make ammends and she can't forgive you for it, that is her sin. If she decides to ignore God's will for your family, that is her sin.
Yes, it sucks, no it doesn't make you feel any better, but it's the cold, awful truth. No amount of "spirituality" if used to rationalize wrong behavior will ever make the sin less of a sin.
So, you make sure you're right with God. Make sure your heart is in the right place. replace all anger with peace and forgiveness. replace all fear with faith. And YOU will be in the right place for Him to work on you. THAT is actually a nice consolation that will work to your benefit over your lifetime.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
The spiritual thing is VERY hard. Here's why. You know God doesn't want you to be divorced. The family is THE central unit of God's plan! WHY would he ever want it broken up if there was no infidelity or serious abuse? He wouldn't, I assure you.
You're right, I know and I think I was trying to get her to see God's point of view in all this.
So, when she comes in and says she's received confirmation that God has told her it's OK to be divorced, what can you say? Any rebuttal is questioning her spirituality, right? You can't do that to her anymore than someone could do it to you.
Ding ding right again and it's not my job to convict her.
HOWEVER, there is plenty of scripture that tells us in no uncertain terms that the Spirit will not manifest itself to us nor confirm that which is NOT true or good or praise-worthy.
Philippians 4:8
So, if your W decides that she is going to ignore the words of Prophets that God has chosen to reveal his word, then she is fooling herself and you have no control over that. All you can do it deal with it. If you made mistakes in the marriage and you've tried to repent and make ammends and she can't forgive you for it, that is her sin. If she decides to ignore God's will for your family, that is her sin.
She is ignoring God and she is doing exactly what she wants to do. And I have no control over that nor her. Yes I have made mistakes in my marriage and we all have, but that's what forgiveness is for. The mistakes that I've made does not warrant this, she's following her own lust and temptations, which has nothing to do with me. She has stop blaming me for her leaving because she never had a leg to stand on and she was trying to convince and justify her actions. But in the instant gratification and fast food society that we live in today, no one wants to work for anything anymore. All a spouse has to do is wake up one morning and say you said the wrong thing to me, I want a D and that's it. Two people to get married and one to say I don't want this anymore and that's it, it's over!
Yes, it sucks, no it doesn't make you feel any better, but it's the cold, awful truth. No amount of "spirituality" if used to rationalize wrong behavior will ever make the sin less of a sin.
It's funny that you say this when we both studied under one of the best Theologians in our area and he use to teach on this stuff all the time. It's funny how people try to justify and rationalize their behavior. Proverbs 30:20 This is the way of an adulterous woman: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, "I have not done wrong".
So, you make sure you're right with God. Make sure your heart is in the right place. replace all anger with peace and forgiveness. replace all fear with faith. And YOU will be in the right place for Him to work on you. THAT is actually a nice consolation that will work to your benefit over your lifetime.
God is all that I've had through all of this and I am so grateful for that, because I don't know where I would be with out Him. I've forgiven her for what she's done and I'm not angry with her, do I like what she's done? No. God is in control and all I can do is trust the sovereign God of the universe. I know that He loves his children and I recognized early on in all of this is this is a growth opportunity and a chance to get a better understanding of Him and His love. His peace that surpasses all understanding will guard my heart in Christ Jesus.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
