Well, this is a keeper, Burg, and I appreciate you taking the time to try to hammer it through my thick skull.
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The basic point I want to make is, these behaviors aren't anything I had to force myself to do to learn how to do or will myself to do...I had to *allow* myself to do them and I think that's an important distinction. I don't think it's a matter of forging internal confidence or having the willpower of a "man of steel" in order to do what has to be done. It's more a matter of accepting certain masculine facets of your personality, which are perhaps not-so-politically-correct, and embracing them as "you". Perhaps that takes courage; I don't know. I was lucky enough to experience embracing that part of myself with someone who made it incredibly easy, like falling off a log. If there's courage involved, it's whatever courage it takes to accept that there's a legitimate, primal part of yourself that you want to express in your relationship, that you *will* express that part of yourself in your relationship, and that your W will then have the opportunity to deal with who you actually are as she sees fit.
I don't know when you started following my thread, but you've probably read enough to know that my W can be a real ballbuster. And I don't think it's too much of a stretch to consider at least some of her expressed ideas/beliefs/observations as falling within the "radical" camp of feminists. Some of those beliefs: Men are responsible for most, if not all of the wars, crimes, and violence in the world today, and this is because of the testosterone that, simply stated, poisons their bodies. Women who model lingerie are uniformly unenlightened and are likely the targets of current or past sexual abuse; they objectify their own bodies due to low self esteem. Any book written by a man about relationships or sex has no credibility. Any book written by a woman about sex (that is pro-sex) has no credibility because the woman was likely one of the above-mentioned unenlightened abuse victims.
And it goes on and on. So the "primal" part of me, the part that is not-so-politically-correct, has been somewhat buried. It's not her fault, it's mine. Mr. People-pleaser buried the bawdy part because it led to conflict in the relationship. Mr. Conflict-avoider decided to shelve that part for what I thought was the greater good of peace within the relationship.
But you're right about it still being there. And, despite the anti-infidelity zeal here (with which I still agree, btw), I know what you're saying about getting acceptance from someone else for all those qualities your W found abhorrent. And yes, on this forum and others, I am allowed my (otherwise) despicable male sense of humor.
It's just a matter of getting to the point where I can give myself permission to be me. It's not "girding your loins and putting your game face on as you prepare to deal with MrsHD" so much as it's reaching down, dusting off, and slipping into my old skin that I'd shed a long time ago in order to squeeze myself into the "sensitive anti-chauvinist" outfit I've been wearing lately. While some aspects of it are fine and appropriate, it's also ill-fitting in places (like, dude, there is NO ROOM in the crotch!).
Anyway, I have to head out of here. Can't wait to tell my W what a great rack she has.
