Still alive, Part II

[Burgbud]

I don't get the sense that the point I really want to make is getting across. Maybe I'm just trying to put too fine a point on it (yep, that's me). I'm reluctant to put much personal experience into the discussion because it tends to distract me and I feel compelled to write a ream of explanatory background but maybe it will help.

In my post-bomb life, after I'd accepted that my M was over, I was very fortunate and got involved with an incredible woman. She was drawn to me, especially sexually, by the very traits and qualities that my X abhored and labelled "uncaring", "selfish", "abusive" and worse. Her acceptance led to my acceptance that this is who I am and it's as good a way to be as any. That acceptance has been fortified by experiences at various levels with other women since then and by reading the thoughts of many of the women in this forum. I'm now much more capable of the behavior you pointed out those two web videos.

The basic point I want to make is, these behaviors aren't anything I had to force myself to do to learn how to do or will myself to do...I had to *allow* myself to do them and I think that's an important distinction. I don't think it's a matter of forging internal confidence or having the willpower of a "man of steel" in order to do what has to be done. It's more a matter of accepting certain masculine facets of your personality, which are perhaps not-so-politically-correct, and embracing them as "you". Perhaps that takes courage; I don't know. I was lucky enough to experience embracing that part of myself with someone who made it incredibly easy, like falling off a log. If there's courage involved, it's whatever courage it takes to accept that there's a legitimate, primal part of yourself that you want to express in your relationship, that you *will* express that part of yourself in your relationship, and that your W will then have the opportunity to deal with who you actually are as she sees fit.

I don't know much about the NOPs' story but when I see her talk about how every time she turned around, there he was with that look in his eye and that intent on his face, I can't imagine that he willed himself to do that. I don't see him thinking, "Every time she turns around, I'm going to be there with intent." My guess is that, instead, he accepted that that's who he is and that's what he needed and that's what he was going to get. So whenever she turned around that's what she saw because that's who he was. I doubt if he willed it or forced it, he accepted it and expressed it.

So my sphincter clenches when I get the idea that you're girding your loins and putting your game face on as you prepare to deal with MrsHD. It puts me in mind of someone getting psyched up to bench press more than they ever have. She can probably sense that pushing vibration she's determined to resist, knowing that if her will power exceeds yours she'll get her way (as misguided as her way may be). If, on the other hand, you're just you, she's got nothing to push against. She can stay and deal or she can leave. She can attempt to push but it won't matter because she has no target. You being yourself isn't a matter of being with her or a different woman or all on your own. To misappropriate a phrase from Schnarch, I think that puts her in the crucible.