Whoa, you are fired up right now! I'd be standing at attention too if I were your H.
Good for you for wanting to set some boundaries, and stick to them. That is absolutely appropriate and well deserved. I hope to help you with the approach, that's all. Not judging the appropriateness, just trying to help you with the delivery.
It's sounding more and more like you are DONE, and I'm not judging that either. But maybe my POV might help you or somebody else that reads this.
Example: If it hurts you, or insults you, for your H to sit and read the paper while you do dishes, then he needs to know that. I know you must feel like just hitting the SOB up side the head with a pan. I'd feel the same way. But we guy's sometimes need to hear it straight. Look me in the eye and say, "H, I love you and I want our M to survive, but when you dirty the dishes and sit and read the paper while I clean them, it makes me feel like dirt. Like a monkey just threw poop in my face. It stinks, it smells and even a shower won't get rid of it. I really need and expect more from you. I know you probably don't even realize how it hurt me, but please help me out by being more respectful, and let me know if I ever do things that are disrespectful to you." Smooch on the cheek, end of story.
I had to learn how to communicate that way with my W. When she did things that hurt me, I tended to just let them(anger) build up, then I'd reach a breaking point and jump on her or critisize her for something she did that might be totally unrelated. At that point, her defenses would come up, and she would'nt hear a word I said. So, she would'nt know nor would she care that SHE was really the jerk, because my outward hostility overshadowed everything. Mind you I did not break things, or yell and scream, but I was clearly being hostile in the attitude, words and the approach that I took.
I agree with you 100% that it is VERY important to set boundaries, clearly state expectations, and voice your concerns. Equally important is how these things are delivered. A delivery that is mature, loving, patient, kind, and supportive, will get much more respect than one that is short, defensive, or in any way controlling or hostile. The old catching more bee's with honey than with vinegar thing.
I understand you've reached the point that you know who your H is, and you are pretty well sure he's not the man you want to stay M to, and you'll not stay M to him unless he changes. Nic, he's always been the way he is, even was that way before you M him. You knew how he was, yet you still M him. It was probably cute for awhile, but enough is enough after all these years it's way old.
IMHO he's been a jerk. He should not have had an A, he should be more responsible, a better father, and not such a flake. You have my complete sympathy for being stuck in the sitch you are in. But have faith, there is a purpose and a reason for this struggle. You will and are, growing, healing, and moving forward with life. Please be patient with your H, forgive him for being weak, be open and honest with him but be gentle and kind. Show him, teach him, how you want to be treated, and do it in a way that will give him no other choice but to admire you.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
